Archive for February 26, 2017
Raw
There is no witty title for this one, no sarcasm and no humour; I am without.
This is one of those few blogs where I just open my heart up.
This weekend has been full of emotion. It was a weekend that had been planned to be fun, full of laughter and enjoyment with my daughter, my best friend and his son; thankfully they appeared to enjoy it, although maybe by the end of the time away my upset began to show.
It would appear; if only to me that by hearing less I am actually not able to see as much either!
My sight has not changed by any great degree, but when I find myself struggling to hear in a situation, I also find seeing more of a struggle too.
Maybe it is because I am not getting the sound clues that I rely so heavily on to fill in the gaps that I miss with my vision. Maybe it is totally in my head (as some have suggested)
All I know, is that which ever it is. It has completely thrown my idea of the world upside down and has left me feeling RAW and unable to cope.
I have cried, I have screamed and I have hidden it all from my daughter. She doesn’t understand, mostly because I am not sure that I even do.
How do you explain RAW to a child?
And if you do know, can you please explain it to me ?
One moment can change it all.
Yesterday a chance meeting with someone suddenly enabled me to put together the mess of a jigsaw I have been living for many months.
A polite, kind and welcoming woman who was absolutley besotted by Fizz, asked me a question I have never been asked before, there was no malice in her words or ulterior motive for asking what she did, in the way she did; she asked me one very simple question.
How do you feel about having a disability?
I can imagine as I type these words that several of you will be taking an inhale of breathe through your gritted teeth!! Maybe even muttering “you can’t ask that!”
Honestly though ….. YOU CAN.
Why can’t you?
I grew up with the saying “there is no such thing as a silly question.” A phrase that I stand by even now as a parent, a friend and most of all as ME.
The answer to this question was out of my mouth and I could hear my own words as if I were listening to someone else say them.
My answer was simple;
I feel guilty.
I feel as a parent I am holding my children back,
I feel like I am a burden to my friends.
Rationally I know the answer to my own guilt is me, I have just never put it into words. And WOW didn’t those words hit me like a 500 tonne truck!
Not because my own words shocked me, not because they upset me, not I was cross with myself for saying it; rather because hearing the words made me realise my irrational and unfounded fears and how they held me hostage in my own thoughts.
I have no need to feel guilt; I did not cause my eye condition and hearing loss. My disability isn’t the result of anyone’s actions. It just is.
So, if I know rationally I have no need to feel guilt, doesn’t just stop me feeling it. Nor does it stop me thinking these thoughts. It just gives me the realisation that to move forward I need to understand it. Work through it, and most of all admit it.
After all, isn’t there a plagiarised quote on Facebook, Pinterest and Intagram that says:
LIFE IS 10% OF WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU AND 90% OF HOW YOU REACT TO IT
