Angry with myself

Tonight I made my climbing partner cross with me, I made myself angry and the result?  It made me physically sick!

Back at Calshot climbing as it is just 5 weeks until the final climb of the season for the 2017 Paraclimbing selections.  Last week was great, I really pushed it and got some brillianr results.  But tonight, I felt completely isolated, alone and insecure.

Calahot is (in the whole) a safe haven for me, a place I can be and feel free, feel comfortable and most of all; not feel blind!

Silly right?

So what changed tonight?

Tonight I couldn’t hear, tonight I could tune into a climber on a completely different wall, yet I couldn’t hear myself…. as my hearing has changed, certain pitches have been a struggle, but this was a first.  I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, yet I could nearly hear my own voice as a whisper.

I panicked, i tried to make myself heard to my partner, but even if he did hear me; his response was lost.

I found my palms starting to sweat, my legs were starting to shake and when you are half way up a wall…… Well, I shall save you the details, but suffice to say it is VERY scary!

I came off, my partner had me and I was safely lowered to the ground, but it didn’t feel like that, it didn’t feel like I was safe, the ground didn’t feel firm and with absolute anger and frustration mixed with my own stubbornness I managed to get myself away, I walked away from my partner, I walked away from the wall.  I took of my harness and shoes and barely made it into the ladies loo before throwing up!

I am shaking now, I have crunched my  way through a packet of poloS just to keep myself from being sick again and I am sat on the cafe at Calshot, so very close to bursting into tears that I find myself writing this as way of stopping that.

I told my partner it was the noise of the kids, I told him the holds were greasy.  He told me I was making excuses.

He is my dearest friend, which is why I got so angry with myself; he is only trying to help me be a better climber, he has supported me throughout and I feel like I have just totally and utterly messed up and ruined his evening.

That may be another reason I am writing this, by way of an apology to him.  I don’t know if he will read it.

But right now, right this minute I feel like I am stranded on the end of a long road, miles away from anything with no idea of how I will ever get home.

I can’t face the idea of putting my harness back on this evening and being brutally honest, I don’t even know IF my climbing partner is still here.

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