Tag Archive for Isolation


This is likely to be one of those posts that will be void of humour, but one I feel I wish to share with you. I have eluded to it in the past, but never been so upfront; however now I feel it is important to share.

As someone who is called ‘inspirational’ and ‘stubborn’ and wildly independent I am not the sort of person people would think could face isolation.

But I am.

Maybe it is because I am fiercely independent. Maybe it is because others see me as strong. And yes; I am both of these things, I am also many other things too.

Isolation doesn’t mean someone is alone. It doesn’t mean someone isn’t surrounded by others.

To me; isolation is what it is to be in my own mind because of my sight and hearing loss; and in a way because of how these affect my mental health.

Sight loss is such a complex condition and so very individual that you will rarely find anyone who experiences it in the same way. This also makes it tricky to explain to those who are sighted.

And for me, isolation is only something that I feel will increase as my disability changes. This in itself is a very fearful time for me as I learn to adjust to this and put in place coping strategies to minimise the impact to myself and those close to me.

I find myself thinking of how with my sight and hearing loss I will also loose my independence, the very same independence that I fight so hard to keep, for as long as I can.

However loosing my independence feels as if I would loose myself. The life I have built, the relationships I have created.

And that in itself is isolating !

I already hold certain limitations in my life because of my sight. Having never been able to drive I have always felt limited by not having the freedom to just get in a car to take myself to the beach…. If I wish to go to the beach I either have to wait for a friend to take me or go at a time when I can get there myself on public transport.

However the thought of more limitations being placed on me, as my independence dwindles is what fills me with this feeling of isolation.

I have thought and rethought (I have even over-thought) this post. However I needed to write it as much for myself than for anyone who is reading this.

Although maybe, just maybe one of you reading this will find it helpful to you too.

Angry with myself

Tonight I made my climbing partner cross with me, I made myself angry and the result?  It made me physically sick!

Back at Calshot climbing as it is just 5 weeks until the final climb of the season for the 2017 Paraclimbing selections.  Last week was great, I really pushed it and got some brillianr results.  But tonight, I felt completely isolated, alone and insecure.

Calahot is (in the whole) a safe haven for me, a place I can be and feel free, feel comfortable and most of all; not feel blind!

Silly right?

So what changed tonight?

Tonight I couldn’t hear, tonight I could tune into a climber on a completely different wall, yet I couldn’t hear myself…. as my hearing has changed, certain pitches have been a struggle, but this was a first.  I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, yet I could nearly hear my own voice as a whisper.

I panicked, i tried to make myself heard to my partner, but even if he did hear me; his response was lost.

I found my palms starting to sweat, my legs were starting to shake and when you are half way up a wall…… Well, I shall save you the details, but suffice to say it is VERY scary!

I came off, my partner had me and I was safely lowered to the ground, but it didn’t feel like that, it didn’t feel like I was safe, the ground didn’t feel firm and with absolute anger and frustration mixed with my own stubbornness I managed to get myself away, I walked away from my partner, I walked away from the wall.  I took of my harness and shoes and barely made it into the ladies loo before throwing up!

I am shaking now, I have crunched my  way through a packet of poloS just to keep myself from being sick again and I am sat on the cafe at Calshot, so very close to bursting into tears that I find myself writing this as way of stopping that.

I told my partner it was the noise of the kids, I told him the holds were greasy.  He told me I was making excuses.

He is my dearest friend, which is why I got so angry with myself; he is only trying to help me be a better climber, he has supported me throughout and I feel like I have just totally and utterly messed up and ruined his evening.

That may be another reason I am writing this, by way of an apology to him.  I don’t know if he will read it.

But right now, right this minute I feel like I am stranded on the end of a long road, miles away from anything with no idea of how I will ever get home.

I can’t face the idea of putting my harness back on this evening and being brutally honest, I don’t even know IF my climbing partner is still here.

A simple cold can bring the world down

It’s early January, the weather has beensuprisingly warm and wet, so having a cold is not something of a shock to me.  Its that time of year, it would be more suprising not to get one.

But this is different, this time this is making it a real struggle to get on…… I have plenty of tissues, Vick’s, hot blackcurrant and black tea to keep me going.

This time, the difference isn’t actually the cold, it is how it has affected my hearing, which in turn has made my world incrediby difficult to navigate within.

And if I am being totally honest, it is scaring the …. out of me.  My hearing is my indeoendance, my hearing is my way of ‘seeing’ the world.  My hearing is my escapism over a coffee, I am not currently able to pick up the conversations of strangers, I am struggling enough to pick up the conversation of anyone I am with!

I am feeling pretty lost.

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