Blind Blog

Entires which feed the main part of the blog. general entries about things that happen in every day life.

Blind Blog • Challenges

My personal journey that was the Great South Run

Having said I would update you on the training and how I was getting on, I let the side down. This wasn’t that the training wasn’t happening, it was just that life got in the way of me writing my blog.

So Sunday 27th came and so did the severe weather warnings!

I have to admit that throughout the training it was the rain I was worried about, not the wind. A very foolish misconception, after all the last 2 Miles of the race where along the sea front at Southsea, with no shelter. And as you will be aware if you have been anywhere near the great outdoors on that day, it was windy…. Very windy.

After an issue with my guide runner, the dog costume for the guide runner and everything coming together at the 11th hour I didn’t have the chance to be nervous about anything other than being able to finish the race.

My original guide runner was too tall for me, making him too fast in stride even at his walk pace. So, thankfully I was able to twist the arm of a friend, to join me. As a former partner, he is aware of my eye condition and my preferred way of being guided and having things explained to me. He also had a good understanding of what it meant to me to be doing such a challenge. Although I don’t think he had a full appreciation for what doing a 10 mile flat open air course would be like with a giant dog suit on!

The dog suit was another issue, the events team at guide dogs was arranging for me to have one of their costumes as the one that I had used from my local Southampton mobility team was already being used by someone else. With just 10 days to go before the race it arrived, a dog costume that looked nothing like the fat little puppy I had borrowed from Southampton, it was a very sad looking dog, with several sewing issues.

So, I went back to Southampton and asked for their help, the fundraising team were fab, they tracked me down a puppy costume that was in good condition, although missing its hand gloves, they arranged for it to be driven down from its home in Leamington and it arrived on the Thursday before the race.

It was a fat chocolate lab puppy costume, that with a guide dog race vest on looked the part. My guide would be able to play the role of being my dog after all.

top dog
top dog

So, it was all in place and race day came. On recommendation and for ease we travelled over to Portsmouth on the Gosport Ferry, and then walked the 2 miles to the charity village for a warm up before starting in the ‘green’ heat at 11.05.

It was only once arriving on site and getting the puppy ready, putting my own cane away that the emotion of the day hit.

And oh yes, it hit…. I was in an absolute panic. Not about running the race, not about even completing the race. No, it was something that unless you have trouble with large groups or very little vision will be hard for me to explain in a way that is easily understood.

The volume of people, more that 2500 of them were also taking part, yes we were ranked in different colours depending on ability, the green rank that I was in was the busiest and saved for the casual runners, walkers and those who had never done such an event before.

I was attached by an elastic strap on my wrist to the puppies wrist and when we had trained I had done so to hold his arm between his elbow and wrist. We had trained to work at a good pace together, none of this was of concern, this I had prepared for, trained for and had control over. All the other runners though, well they were a completely different story, over them I had no control, no understanding and nor did they of me.

In such a vast crowd no-one realised that I had a visual impairment or that the dog was my guide, not just a guy dressed up for the fun of it.

So we warmed up together, moved up to the start line together and then it all started, no more time for panic, no more time to think, just time to put my complete and utter faith in my dog.

But in a way that I had never put my faith in Vicky before, I couldn’t not do it now, there were several hundred people behind us, to the sides of us and in front of us and there we were, 2 people with no where to go but forward.

My senses were on ultra high, I could sense all of the people around us, especially those behind us, but I couldn’t judge their speed or distance and with a giant puppy head, vocal commands from my guide were non existant, instead it was all done through feel, touch and gentle gestures…. That we hadn’t practiced or used before. Where he went, I did, I gave up on trying to look forward, the movement of me and others was too hard to focus on, so I put my head down and watched his giant brown puppy paws instead and followed their rhythm.

We had trained together, to run together, but like I said, nothing prepared me for this. I felt like I was a failure, another thing that I couldn’t do, but then there were the people cheering and David attached to me and I WAS DOING IT, even if I had had to walk the whole course, I would have still have done it.

The race really knocked me down, yes I should of trained more, then maybe I wouldn’t have hurt so much after, but no amount of physical fitness prepared me for the emotion and the me part of the day.

I am struggling to explain this, but it was a very large marker for me, on how I do see things differently and how I feel about them. I have never and will not shy away from doing things like this again, in fact I am already thinking of next years challenge. Which not be a running event that is for sure!

I suppose that the reality that I was only able to do such an event by being with another person, not being able to just jog through the crowds and run my own race, I had to do it with a guide. A guide who was very happy to help and happy to go with my pace without complaint. But nether the less, a guide.

The great south run for me was another realisation that I can’t just get up and do things by myself, I am different and in this instance that has caused me upset.

Its been one of the highest moments for me to say YES I DID IT, but a low also to think that I wouldn’t be able to do it alone.

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Blind Blog

Getting a handle on things

As I have mentioned before, my guide dog has given me so much freedom and Independence, more than I feel I would have if I had continued to use my cane on a daily basis.

Vicky, however has decided that she is getting tired of her role as my guide dog and in recent months has slowed her pace considerably, to the point sometimes that I feel like we are standing still… She has had several health issues and in the past two years having suffered with a growth on her tonsil she has been receiving daily medication in the form of an inhaler. This has enabled her to breath easier. She is happy working and has been assessed several times as I would not wish to work her if she were not happy.

She is still very happy to work, her tail is testament to that, it is just that it is at a slower pace, a pace that is too slow for me.

Having celebrated her Eight birthday, thats Fifty Six in dog years!

The decision was taken last week to retire her from service, when a suitable replacement has been found or she decides she is no longer happy to work, which ever comes first.

This decision has been one that has been at the back of my mind for a little while now, so was not as a complete shock. But as she is such an amazing part of me and my family it is still one that fills me with upset.

I had commented before that when Vicky was to retire I would go on to work with a new dog, which I am still going to do. But I was not prepared for what happened next at the guide dog assessors visit last week!

To be matched with the ‘right dog’ it is important that the guide dog team know as much about your lifestyle as possible. This includes your usual day, places you visit, hobbies, interests, other family members, other pets, etc etc.

I had thought about this bit, I had even written a list, a list that is four times longer than the list I had when applying for Vicky, a list that impressed the assessor as it gave her a very detailed account of my life and what I would need from a dog.

This was all good….. Then E, my assessor invited me to do a ‘handle walk’ This is where she would hold the harness and work with me as if she were the dog.

This is a way of her understanding and judging my pace, stride length and most importantly control and balance, which are key for matching me with the right dog.

So off we went for a walk down my street, where all my neighbours know me and just in time for the mums at the pre-school to be walking past on their way for lunch pick ups.

I vaguely remember the handle walk from when I applied for Vicky, but this time it felt completely different, because I knew what I was doing, well….. In theory that is!

So, off we went. E told me that she was sniffing and I was to correct her, this is the same with a dog, (although with the dog on the harness you can feel them putting their head down to sniff, Vicky doesn’t actually talk to me) It is a vocal correction, where tone is key, if this doesn’t work then it is a correction using the harness, not to hurt the dog, but to stop them. This must be carried out with the correct verbal warning, where timing is crucial. Followed by immediate praise when the dog responds, which again is a different tone.

Then came the praise. Me walking along the street with a grown woman holding the front end of a harness, while I held the harness, telling her she was a ‘good girl’ as one of my daughters dinner ladies walked passed.

Another part of the test was my instructions. E had to find the crossing having been targeted to it, I then had to praise her with a soft yet exciting warm tone (thankfully she was happy for me to forgo the ear rub that they encourage in a new partnership!)

It was back to basics, time to put in place all of the commands that I use daily with Vicky, foot positions that have become second nature, so much so that when E asked me to stand in the ‘starting off position’ I FROZE. I couldn’t remember what this was or how I did it. E understood my hesitation and reassured me that I had used the correct position when we had taken Vicky on her walk earlier. But with E stood beside me I couldn’t remember it. Thankfully she came to my rescue and reminded me of what to do, a simple foot position that sets you off to walk forward or turn left or right in a fluid motion with the dog.

A motion that had become so fluid in fact that when I had to think about it, I couldn’t do it.

We worked on my preferred pace, my pace with the children and my ability to follow. This assessment was the same as the one I had had to complete when I first applied for a guide dog, because having had one dog did not automatically qualify me for another.

I have been assessed as fit to work with a new dog, awaiting medical conformation, which is standard practice. When received I will be put on the waiting list for my next dog.

This is a scary, yet exciting prospect. But one that will only help strengthen me for my future.

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About Me • Blind Blog

Looking towards the future

Part of me as a person, is someone who works and earns my own money. Being on benefits for me is a failure of my ability to do this.

I am currently in a position that I am reliant on the help that they offer. I am home looking after my two children, now on my own after my relationship broke down earlier this year.

But I want to do more……

It is not that I do not love being at home, or that I don’t love my children, but I need more. I have a strong work ethic and I want to be able to support my children more and allow them to have nicer things.

My career before my sight started to deteriorate was in design, a career that yes I could have continued with with the correct support, but one that I felt that my heart had fallen out of.

I have also worked within administration and with charities that deal with sight loss. But although I ave an eye condition and I enjoy the volunteer roles that I have with Open Sight and Guide dogs, my sight is just part of me.

So time to look to the future and to see what I can do for my next career.

Last year I started this ball rolling by doing a taster course in counselling. I fell in love with it as a subject and as a possible career move. And despite my initial concerns my sight loss has no affect on me being able to support others. It just means that I need to do things in a slightly different way.

This year I have been working towards my ABC certificate in counselling. Class makes up just 4 hours with 8 hours at home, however for me this is more like 12.

Studying and all that comes with it has been a learning curve in more ways that just the subject! I have learnt a lot about how and when I can use my eye’s and sight to get the most out of them, without creating negativities for myself.

An example of this, is using the computer. As I have said before, I am a Mac user and as such, have a MacBook Pro and iPad. Both of which offer fabulous accessibility as standard. (maybe thats another blog in the making!) But when I can use my Macs is becoming limited.

If I want to be able to close my eyes and wind them down to sleep, I must not be using them after 9pm in the evening. Even with the speech software, I still try to use my remaining sight, its a natural reflex. If I have reading to do, this must be done even earlier in the evening or preferably during the day.

So, study is nothing like the all-night, stopping only to use the loo sessions that I had when at university just 10 years ago. Which is a real marker for me of the deterioration that has occurred.

So, my work is done with an hour here, an hour there and also a stopwatch. Because as with most people when I am deep into something, time can run away with me and with my eye’s I do not feel the affects immediately, but it is often a few hours after.

But this has not put me off.

Just this week, went in the application for the DipHe in Counselling. Its a whole day at Eastleigh with 2 1/2 days of home study. The ‘perk’ of this course is that I can apply for assistance in the form of a scribe for the time in college. I can also apply for a grant to help me to upgrade my Mac, to a larger screen as my existing mac is becoming a struggle. Its not going to be easy. This I am in no doubt about, but this is where I want to be.

So, as I can no longer do late night studying, I will have to give VERY early mornings a trial instead.

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Blind Blog • Training & Fitness

Joining the Gym

Just over a year ago, I signed up to a swim membership at my local leisure centre. I aimed to go several times a week to improve my fitness.

I was able to swim alone if I chose my times carefully, but to keep up my enthusiasm and to help me with my swim technique I roped a friend into coming with me.

The swimming was going well, I still go. But I felt that as the colder, wetter, darker weather was due to set in, my opportunity to get out on my bike, for a run or just an incredibly long walk was reducing.

I also needed to admit to myself that I needed to train more if I were going to actually achieve something out of the great south run.

So….. Joining the gym seemed the obvious choice.

To say I was nervous was an understatement, I was petrified.

The instructor Stephen, who did my induction with me was incredibly fit and I felt incredibly unfit and fat. Yes it is his job,, and isn’t that the whole reason I was joining, was to improve both my fitness and to reduce my weight.

I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to use the machines, but those fears were soon quashed. The display on the cardio gym equipment was HUGE…. It was also incredibly simple and easy to use.

I would if I wished even plug in a set of headphones and watch my own tv programmes if I wished, without disruptions from any kids. I asked if I could move in, but they said “no” !!

Stephen was very clear in his explanations of how to use the different programmes on the machines and where I could find everything within the gym. For now I am only looking to use the cardio machines.

Since my induction last tuesday, I have already been 3 times.

I like the fact that on the treadmill I can run at different paces, without having to do it at a time that suits someone else. The gym is open from 6am to 11pm, that is the only restraint on when I can go, that and childcare too.

This has made me feel incredibly good about myself. Help is on hand, but for the majority of the time I am independent. I can run, walk, ride, row, all by myself.

In addition to the gym, I have also joined a class. Its called BodyBalance and is a mix between Pilates, Yoga and Tai Chi..

Carol the instructor is incredibly descriptive with the position and movements, it is a very slow although energetic I felt able to keep up, even if I need to work a bit more on my balance and coordination.

But I survived and will be back again tomorrow for another class. It will take time to get up to a more flexible standard as some of the others that go to the class, but then thats why I am doing this.

To improve my fitness for me.

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About Me • Blind Blog

Life

It happens around us, it creeps up around you and before you and before you know it, lots has happened and you haven’t written a single part of it down.

So here I am, writing it down.

Bear with me, there is training for the great south run to catch up on, a new gym experience, my guide dog, gained independence, the fun of benefits and me finding out about me. So over the next few days there will be a fair few updates, some will be archived depending I when they occurred, so have a good look around.

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About Me • Blind Blog

My guide dog & me

As a guide dog user my guide dog is an extension of me and my Independence. This wasn’t a concept that I truly understood until we had worked together for several years.
When I applied for my first guide dog back in 2009, I knew that it would make a difference to my life, but to what extent I was not aware. There have been both good sides and low sides to having a guide dog. The biggest thing for me of having a guide dog is the emotional, love and soppy side that officially guide dogs don’t tell you about. When applying for a dog and training you are told all about how important the bond within the partnership is, for that reason it is key to have a period of bonding with no interruptions from anyone else before the training starts.

For me, both my daughter and my partner went away for the weekend, Vicky arrived on the Friday afternoon and we spent the weekend together, just playing and spending time in the garden. I groomed her, tickled her tummy and fell in love with her.

I was very nervous about starting our training and if I would be able to do it, but she seemed to sense this and just kept on nuzzling me as if to say “it’s going to be ok”. The very same way she still does now when I am down or upset. Without this connection I do not feel that we would have the working relationship and connection that we do today.

She has enabled me walk with my head held high and regain my posture that had slowly been being lost as I had began to look at my feet so much to watch my step, rather than my surroundings and where I am.

There was a very steep learning curve with Vicky, I made mistakes, we made mistakes together and we gained a wonderful trust for each other, that only strengthened our working bond.

A working bond that appears to be coming to an end.

It is with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes that I write this blog, my sight is slowly deteriorating, but with Vicky by my side my independence is at its highest, allowing me to improve my health and my fitness. But at a time when she is slowing down and asking not to work so hard or so much.

Vicky has had her own health issues during our time together, for which she has an inhaler to help to open her airways to increase her breathing, which she has responded well to. But, with her Eighth birthday approaching next week she has been hinting that it is time to hang up the harness.

She is well, she is very happy and will allow me to put the harness on and work, but she is also holding back, she has reverted to working in a way that we did at the beginning.

She is wishing to walk me close to walls, shop fronts and buildings, which with it brings an unsettled and troublesome result. Walking and working in this way means that the walk is a start-stop, we have to continually walk back out to walk around obstacles like a-frames, bins, posts and even people.

Initially we had trained this way, but as both our confidences grew, we moved more into the middle of the path, for Vicky to revert back to this shows a sign of unhappiness and possible stress or lack of confidence in what she is doing.

So, with great discussions with her and my guide dog mobility team we have taken the step to look at her retirement and me moving on to work with another dog.

I will take the time over the next few weeks and months to open up more about this, but for now, before my heartbreak over takes me I will end this post here.

Thank you for reading. Please feel free to ask questions xx

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About Me • Blind Blog

Employment and support allowance

Having suffered with my employer and my depression caused by my continued battle with getting to grips with my deteriorating eye condition and having to learn to use a new form of accessible software that I didn’t feel ready for, I had been on long term sick leave since October 2012. In February this year, after a lot of thinking, adjustments and not very successful adjustments, I was let go from my position on medical grounds.

This did not in fact cause me any great upset, as I had come to the conclusion that my current role was not the one for me.

It was the thought of accepting my eye condition and applying for the government benefit, for people like me who are unable to work…. Employment and Support allowance, often referred to as ESA.

Read more

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Blind Blog • Days Out

Different views

When at a family wedding recently I realised that my children have a little more freedom than I thought I gave them.

let me explain….

As a VIP mum I often feel that I protect my children a little too much (is there such a thing?)  As I have mentioned before I have a 7 year old and a 3 year old, since my sight has noticeably deteriorated since 2008 when my daughter was just 2 years old I have continually question my own parenting and compared it to my friends.  for example, living in a bungalow I have a clear rule with my children regarding toys, I will tread carefully when walking in the kids rooms, but if they leave toys around the house they may be moved without warning or worse if trodden on, they risk being broken.  So my children learnt very quickly to be tidy with toys outside their rooms.

When walking between the church and reception venue in Hamble recently with my parents, I discovered that I actually have my children more freedom and trust than my mum had expected or could understand.

Working with a guide dog, we are trained together using voice and right hand signals to convey information, so I am limited to carrying or holding things in my right hand the majority of the time.  Resulting in my children learning to walk with or slightly in front of me without holding my hand, when crossing the road they will put their hand on my leg so that I know exactly where they are. Walking on a wide path by a busy road, my daughter was happily walking ahead with chatting with her cousin, my son was walking and skipping about 20 foot in front of us, my mum was continually asking him to walk with her and hold her hand.  He struggled with this and it didn’t last long before he got bored and ran off ahead a little.

My mum found this naughty behaviour (which I fully understand) but after me explaining that this was different to what he was used to she seemed to understand.  However, I feel that she found this difficult to understand eclectically as my sight is so poor.

The children do have rules when we are out like this, they do not cross roads without me, they do not walk around corners without me and if I feel they are walking off to far I will shout STOP and they are to stand still until I catch up with them.  To check the distance, we often make a game out of it on walking to the next lamppost or telegraph pole. as the reader, what do you think?

Am I too trusting of them? I would appreciate your feedback x

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Blind Blog • Days Out

Fun Fairs

Lots of blogs this week, but I get to break from the usual boring home, study routine when my two children are home.  As I said before, I won’t let me being a VIP affect them or the fun they get to have.

So, on Sunday as a birthday treat we went to the fun fair at Hayling Island, I have never been there before, but friends had raved about it & how much fun the kids could have (big & small!)

They weren’t wrong.

With a 3 and 7 year old it is often difficult to find the balance on somewhere they can both have fun and do things together or with me.  Of-course my faithful GD came along too although she didn’t partake in much of the fun, just the run along the beach afterwards.

For me, I got to drive! only on the bumper cars, but didn’t I make the most of it, first with my son, then with my daughter and then they had their own car and I got to go alone.

 

We went on the halter skelter, the log flume, the balloon ride, even the rickettly old roller-coaster (I didn’t want to ask if it was part of its design or age that made it that way)

I know many people do these sorts of rides with their eyes closed, so most can guess what that feels like, but how about if your eyes were a blurry haze?

It makes things seem there that aren’t, it makes it feel that you will hit your head or that the cart your in will come off of the rails.

Also with no depth perception I have no ability to judge the hieght of a climb or the steepness of a drop….. But for me that adds to the excitement.

So to say that I had just as much if not more fun as the kids would be an understatement …….. We loved it!

The weather was just right and like all good funfairs I got to enjoy an old family tradition of having my bucket of pennies and playing on the slot machines too, dropping the coin at just the right time to not fall on top of the pile, put to push some of the coins down into the winning bit.

Who says sight loss has to make you miss things, it just makes it a different experience, but having never had brilliant sight I can’t say is it were a better or worse experience, my children had a fabulous time and that was the whole point of the day.

Me getting to join in so much was an added bonus!

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Blind Blog • Days Out

What’s in a saying?

We all have little ways of saying things, little phrases that we all use every day, without thinking.

The most common of these are:-

” Have you seen this?”

“Look at this.”

“did you see that?”

my response to aloof these is no, but I have never, nor will I ever take offence to them.  I myself usually end a conversation with ” See you again soon,”

They are common sayings and I even do it, if I’ve been to a film having listened to the audio description, I still say ” I saw that…….film the other night, have you seen it?”

I also say that I’ve read a great book book lately, even though I listen to it.  “I’ve just listened to a great film/book” just doesn’t have the same ring to it!

The reason I am writing this blog about this is because yesterday when out with a good family friend and all our kids, he went to show me a photo on his phone and stopped dead and then apologised for saying the classic “look at this”

As the day went on he continued to say ” come look at this” again apologising after each time.

This unsettled me, not because he had said these things, because he was just saying the same things that we all say (me included) but that he felt anxious by the thought that he had upset me.

How perverted would it sound if I started saying “I’ll feel you later” ! Or my friends said to me, ” Come and touch this!” I know I would probably run in the opposite direction.

So, I will continue to tell my friends that I look forward to seeing them soon and do not want my friends to cringe or feel anxious when they say ” come look at this” or “have you seen this”

So, these are just typical English sayings and part of each and everyone of us.  I can’t talk for every VIP or people with other disabilities, but I doubt they would take offence either.

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