Having thrown myself into everything and anything, I began to freakish that my time was being overtaken by my need to help others, and the reason I was helping others was to stop me thinking about my problems and my issues that I was having with understanding and coming to terms with my own condition and sight loss.
The catalyst for this came when I began to find out that magnification on my computer was not enough to help me at work, it was time to move on to a screen reading piece of software. This is a wonderful technology, using hot keys you move around a document reading your way around each page instead of seeing it.
For me, this was just a nail in the coffin to confirm that I was different and couldn’t just get by like I always had in the past…….. Still now almost a year later after it was suggested to me, I can’t bring myself to do it.
I am a MAC user at home, you name it, I got it…. Mac Book Pro, Ipad, Ipod, Iphone…. Me and Siri have a love hate relationship at times and a my friends are now getting used to reading between the lines in my messages.
But for me, screen reading is a major hurdle and because of this, I have not been at work since October and my future in my role is now in question.
Its not the learning something new part that I struggle with, I have learnt brailleIts so much more than that….. its letting go of using my eyes so much.
Its Hard. It has led me into a world of depression and feelings of loneliness.
Writing about this is very painful, so bear with me please…..
Now however I feel that I have hit my rock bottom. So for now I’m learning to climb. And to not fear, but instead accept help when it is offered.
That is the hardest part, being strong, independent, yet allowing myself to ask for help and not seeing myself as a failure for doing so