Tag Archive for Tunnel vision

Raw Emotions

I have tried to think of a witty title, something to grab your attention …. Words really are failing me on this post though, so just going with the simple choice.

I have been struggling for a while, I have been fortunate to be able to talk to close friends, able to ‘gauge’ the reaction.  There are a few more I wanted to tell, but time and my own worry has stopped me.

Keeping it simple …… Not babbling on.  So, do excuse me if this sounds unemotional.  I don’t know how else to say it.

I am loosing my hearing.

So, it is said, those 5 little words and it is out there…… I have known now for a little while, it isn’t easy and I am not writing this for sympathy.

I’m writing this because it is getting harder and harder to hide it.  Saying “Pardon” sometimes three or four times, not being able to hold a conversation easily as a passenger in friends’ cars.

Its confusing, I can still pick up a conversation across the room, yet not hear the person beside me.  And the prognosis …. It will only get worse.

I am still awaiting my hearing aid appointment from the nhs, it could take upto another THREE months for them to book me in, I have however spoken with my consultants and they are putting appointments in place for me to confirm exactly the kind of deafness I have.

All early indications push towards it being a form of Ushers Sydrome, a condition that is part of the RP spectrum; Retinitis Pigmentosa Is the family that my eye conditions stems from.  And hearing loss or ‘Deafblind’ is another strand.

Those with ushers are either born with hearing loss or sight loss and the other sensory loss occurs later.

As someone who was only categorised as ‘severely sight impaired’ 8 years ago, having been born with the condition …. I am feeling quite numb about it all at the moment.

Those close to me have noticed something is up, but I haven’t been able to tell them all in person, either because of Busy diaries or because I haven’t been able to find the words.

(which anyone who knows me, knows I am not often stuck for words!)

Just like my sight loss, I am not going to let my hearing loss take away my sense of humour or change the friend I am, it’s just not an easy time right now and it’s all a bit of a struggle.

Thank you for taking the time to read, I appreciates it.

xx

Fun with Fizz

Today we (me & Fizz) found ourselves faced with a very different challenge.

Our local coop currently has one of its outer shutters down, so we have a slightly odd turn at the top of the steps by the door.  The door is set at a 45* degree angle to the corner of the building, meaning that when both shutters are down, the building looks square, yet with them both open, you can access from either side through the same entrance. (With one down, we have to walk around to the other, which isn’t at all an issue of difficult to do)

So, we did the turn & Fizz stopped dead and sat down.  This is a very odd thing for her to do.

She doesn’t just sit down like this if there is an obstacle, if there were an obstacle she would remain standing and then guide me around.  If she couldn’t guide me around it, she would turn me around to indicate the way was blocked.

Today she just sat, nothing would move her!

I focused in on a bull dog type dog sat by the railings a little way up, it’s tail was wagging and it wasn’t barking.

This is normally all the invitation Fizz would need to rush me over to say hello; yet she still sat.  So it wasn’t the dog!
Maybe it was a bike laid on the ground, I scanned but saw nothing….

A man came out the shop but before I could ask him, he rushed past and away.

Curious !!
Then out came a lady with a trolley and my mystery was solved

sorry dear, my cat has come out for a walk with me and my dog, he is sitting between you and the door.

So I scanned, I was able to work out another animal, about the same size as the bull dog and also similar colouring.

It was a cat!

It was a very HUGE cat, and he was happily sitting licking his paw with his tail wagging, just like the dog !!
Knowing now the situation I asked Fizz to walk on; nothing!

She did move eventually, but only then cower behind me until the cat had walked past !!

My clever.  Highly trained.  Intelligent. Problem solving guide dog is officially a WIMP.

Jumping without a parachute …

Who needs a comfort zone anyway?  Last weekend I not only stepped out of mine, I jumped out of it without my parachute !!

Not even those closest to me may have even realised the inner turmoil I was battling with …… Fizz knew, she kept me calm, she kept me from falling apart and she kept me safe every time I needed her to put on her harness and be my eyes.

Any event/conference/summer spectacular is daunting for many!

A room with 2,000 other people is also terrifying in itself!

Then add to the mix you can only see shapes and colours; the lighting is set up as corporate and moves with the music; the music that is loud, pumped out around the room to ‘raise the roof’ to ‘motivate’ and to ‘excite’ EVERYONE in the room.

Having recently decided to stop ‘messing around with diets and fads’ and actual take control of my eating, my inner nutrients and my health, I looked to my cousin for support.  She introduced me to Herbalife, a safe, clean, nutrition fuelled way of eating, not a ‘diet product’ rather a way to live, a way to improve myself from the inside out, while being able to support me through training, rock climbing, bringing up my children and running around with each of my volunteer roles.

… Fast forward a few months and here I was, sat in Manchester, watching, learning and feeling empowered by The Herbalife Summer Spectacular.

The chosen venue was literally a large box!  A MASSIVE exhibition space that was broken up and segmented by heavy curtains, false walls and carpeting.

Having previously been to Manchester a few years ago, this didn’t concern me.  With the new Google Street View App on my phone I was able to walk around the outside of EventCity, I was able to find Starbucks, plan how to get from the hotel in MediaCity, again having visited the area before, I felt OK here.

I had a room-mate for the weekend, she absolutely adored Fizz and was wonderful, even volunteering to take her out for walks having never met either of us before.

…. Back to the venue…. I was invited to sit at the front of the room, an area reserved for those prestige members, an adjustment made just for me if it would help me see the event clearer.  Sadly no where I sat would have done that, so I stayed sat with my cousin and her friends.  Fizz was fabulous, she was so calm and took all the noises and light changes in her stride, not letting it bother her at all.

In the evening, we returned to EventCity for a dinner and awards ceremony.  I though I would be OK, I though that I now knew the venue and would be OK.  I had realised in the 2 hours that we had left the venue for, that the room had changed, the big round tables were still in place, but upon our return they were dressed in white linen cloths, fully dressed with red, white and blue balloons.  The large screens were in place also, but now decorated with the same colours, there was now also a checkered dance floor and the lighting was much dimmer.

Dressed to match the colours, as advised on the invitation I found a seat with my roomy and sat down to enjoy the show.  I had preordered drinks, that she kindly collected from the bar, we had a fabulous time, laughing, chatting and watching the awards ceremony; that saw my cousins husband won first prize of £10,000 !!!

The food was interesting and incredibly difficult….. Apparently it looked very pretty, but served on white plates with dim lights and light coloured food, it was a bit of a struggle for a VIP like me !

I survived though, my anxiety didn’t get the better of me, I had a pretty good time and I am now going to be giving away my inner turmoils of the weekend to those who were with me and will hopefully be reading this.


 

 

The sky is too bright

In true British fashion, we are forever complaining about the weather.  ‘It’s too cold’, ‘it’s too wet’ or when the sun is actually out…. ‘it’s too hot!’

Throw into the mix a visual impairment and then it becomes, ‘It’s too dark’, ‘it’s too grey’, ‘it’s too bright’, ‘it’s too cloudy’ or ‘there isn’t enough cloud Coverage!’

I most definitely fall into the latter category……… I am definitely best suited to a dull grey day or a blue sky (but only in the summer months, not the winter -then the sun is to low!!)

This is something I am finding to be an issue more and more of late.

While sat in a friends car yesterday I put the sun visor down, but on a jaunty angle.  The reason for this, wasn’t bright sunshine, rather a sky full of bright white clouds ready to turn black at any given moment and empty their content over those unfortunate enough not to be dressed for it!

My friend asked if I was ok? it was then that I realised I had never actually told anyone about these issues that I

So I started to explained it only it isn’t actually that easy to explain, because it is still pretty hard for me to understand and make sense of it myself.

By having a bright cloudy sky my eyes are drawn to it, I become like a magpie!  I can see the bright shiny, but then I find it hard to see anything else, not that I can see much!

So. By putting down the visor I block out the light,stopping myself being drawn to it and am able to try and focus on other things, like being able to see the colour of the car in front of us, or the shop and building colours?

Just more of the little things that are so insignificant to others, but are beginning to become more and more noticeable to me as I struggle to see them!

This is just s small hurdle I am to overcome before I can continue on my way.

To blog, or not to blog……. It shouldn’t have ever been a question!

Thankfully I am the thick-skinned stubborn gal I am…. Although even I found myself getting upset by it all.

Those of you who have followed my blog, know that I can be strong and determined in print, where, spoken word may often fail me.

 

This blog isn’t to anger you, it isn’t to slate a company, thankfully it was all due to the opinion of a minority.  My reason for sharing is to give the FULL picture of the whole situation.

And hopefully, a small part of me hopes that this reaches someone who may not have a good understanding of ‘blindness’ – This may help to educate about how ‘off-hand comments’ may have a much greater effect.

How it all started…..    I had a rare Saturday to myself, no plans, no children and as the sun was shining, I was up early and feeling ready to make the most of the day.

So, off to Whiteley I went; it’s not the easiest of places to get to if you don’t drive, but with the sun shining I didn’t mind the 20 minute walk from the station, I also knew that Mizz Fizz would enjoy the long leg stretch.

Being just after 9am when we arrived it was lovely and quiet, perfect for me, it meant I could ‘mooch’ about, take my time and know that it wouldn’t be too busy.

When training with a guide dog, my GDMI explained that shops can be difficult for a guide dog to work, many factors add to this, the smaller spaces, the extra obstacles and mostly ME.  As everyone does, when I shop I am constantly starting and stopping…. That can be a real struggle for a guide dog, so it is advised that if I can (in that I feel safe doing so) I should drop harness and walk with Fizz on her lead.  This means she can relax, not become stressed by the situation and I can take my time.

I went to a shop I LOVE, there is stationary, gifts, nic-nacs and most of all; being a large chain, the layout is pretty much the same whether you’re in a London store or as I was, in Whiteley.

This ‘familiarity’ is a great help to me. So…. In we went and down went the harness.  I was able to use the quietness of the store to focus in on the colourful displays, a member of staff came over to ask if he could be of assistance. “Thanks for the offer, but I’m just having a look around.” Was my polite reply.  And off he went.

I moved around a display and that was when I caught his conversation with his colleague.

And I found myself almost frozen to the spot in shock.  I wanted to run out of the store, but curiosity also made me want to stay and hear it all.

“I have never seen a proper blind person with a guide dog, she can clearly see, she isn’t even using the dog, she’s picking up things and having a good look at them.”

“I think it’s all a con so people can just bring their pet dogs into the shops.”

His colleague was clearly trying to hush him, he was talking in a quieter whisper, but as my eyes fail me, my ears pick up the slack….. Hence how I was able to hear this.

I did move away, to pick up a gift for a friend, I then went up to the counter to pay for my purchases.  I was hoping I would be served by his colleague, but sadly it was not to be.

He made small talk while he served me, asking my plans for the day and such.  It took a lot for me to talk and smile as if I had not heard a thing, but I did.

managed to keep it together until reaching a coffee shop, where I found myself shaken and beginning to feel angry.  Not with his comments, but with my inability to say something, to stand up.

So instead I sat down with a coffee and put the words down in an email.

I was a wreck, so much so I will share with you how personal and detailed I found myself becoming in my email.

 

Please bear with me, it’s quite lengthy !!

Hello.  Allow me to introduce myself, I am a bit of a stationary addict who happens to be visually impaired and relies on my faithful guide dog Fizz to allow me to live my life to the fullest.  Today I visited your Whiteley store to have a good ‘look’ around and pick up some gift wrap.

I was approached by a member of staff and asked if I would like any assistance, I said thanks, but that I was ok for now. He left and returned to his colleague at the counter, I continued to look around he store, when I overheard his conversation.

This caused me great upset, but I am also stubborn and was not going to let it show that I had heard. I purchased some gift wrap and on my receipt the name of my server was *********

I have a visual impairment, but where my eyes fail me, my ears step up, this mixed with it being an incredibly quiet store I heard him speak (even though I think he thought it was a whisper)

He was talking to his colleague about how he felt it was all a con, he had never seen a real blind person in the store with a guide dog, she (me I assume) is looking at things, walking around, she isn’t blind, she just wants to bring her pet dog in.

His colleague did try to quiet him, without luck. And I moved away so that I could hide my upset at his accusations.

I am sat with a coffee and voiceover on my phone typing this email. And still feeling sick, I am not one for confrontation, so am writing this email instead.

I am visually impaired, I am registered as disabled and the class of my registration is ‘severely sight impaired’ I have a condition that I have less than 6% of my vision left, which means I have pretty much no peripheral sight. Today I was wearing glasses, these are just to help reduce the glare from the bright sunny day. The sight I do have left does not enable me to read the top line on the eye chart at the hospital, where I go annually to have my degenerate condition monitored.

I should not need to be explaining any of this to you, yet I am.

In a shop environment I focus in on colour and in a store such as ********** I find the layout with the big tables and shelving units very easy to negotiate, it can be hard in any shop to work a guide dog (this is where I am holding both the lead and the harness) this is as it is usually a narrower space and one that she would struggle with. So I take it slowly and just hold her lead.

I did appreciate the initial offer of help, and many times when help is offered I will accept it, but on a day when it is quiet and I am able to ‘mooch about’ like others I do.

I will not be returning to your Whiteley store. I find it hard that at a time when access for working dogs is not just legislation, but actually forms part of the 2010 law on disability discrimination that someone would feel the need to even question my need for such a mobility aid, all be it a four pawed breathing, thinking mobility aid.

Very few of the 50,000 guide dog owners in the uk have no usable vision, as a person who will one day most likely lose even the little bit I have, I want to be able to keep my independence and freedom. I enjoy shopping and today I have been deeply upset and angered by the conversation and judgemental attitude of your staff.

I would like for a senior member of staff to speak him and make him aware of the impact on his comments. I will be sending a copy of this email to my local guide dog mobility team.

It was very difficult for me to make small talk when he served me, he has completely ruined my experience and made me feel like I don’t have the right to be independent.

I shall now be going home instead of continuing with my day, I will also be reflecting on this incident and when I am not as emotional shall write about it in my blog (address below)

Thank you for taking the time to read my email, I would appreciate hearing an explanation of the situation.

I have removed details of the store and servers name….. The reason for this is because of the response I have had from my email.

The Customer service team promptly replied informing me that my email had been passed to senior staff and that a full investigation would soon be started.  The customer service team reassured me that they were horrified on my behalf for the situation I experienced and wished to ensure that this didn’t happen again to me or any other customer.

I received several emails updating me and then came the one where they asked for my telephone number.  This was so that a company director could call me to ensure that I was ok.

It made me nervous and anxious, but I gave my number and awaited the call.  I have never had this response to a customer complaint before and didn’t know what to expect.

The following day the director called, he was a very kind and friendly gentleman, he apologised profusely on behalf of the company, he explained that is was not the ‘company opinion’ and I did say I was aware that by the tone aid the store staff member that this was clearly HIS opinion.  The director asked me if I would give the combat a second chance? Would I shop in a different one of their stores, he fully understood that I wasn’t happy to return to the store in Whiteley.  He said that he had not as yet spoke  to the staff member, he was awaiting a report by the area manager who would be conducting the investigation personally.

The director didn’t quiz me (which was what I expected) He just kept apologising for the way in which I had been treated.

He thanked me for taking his call and said that I would be updated as and when the investigation was concluded.

His call was followed up by an email for customer service asking for my address, so that a ‘good will’ gift could be sent to me.  I had explained o  the phone, that I didn’t do any of this to get something in return, which the director said he understood, but he appreciated me sharing my experience with him and the company.  Several weeks later an email arrived, (without going into details) stating that following a full and thorough investigation, the appropriate actions had been taken.

AND IT IS FOR THIS FOLLOW UP BY BOTH CUSTOMER SERVICE AND THE COMPANY DIRECTOR THAT I AM NOT NAMING NAMES.

I wanted to share my experience so that others were aware, how an ‘of Han:’ .omment can caus3 great upset to others.

 

Way back when I wrote for Guide Dogs….

Tee stood in Cascade Shopping Centre on the campaign day with Fizz laid on the floor at my feet.

My whole reason for writing this blog is to raise awareness, share some of the crazy hiccups that occur along the way on my journey in a world of sight loss.

I enjoy campaigning about issues that I found myself affected by.  So, way back in September I supported Guide Dogs on a campaign day collecting signatures for a petition to ‘The Big 5.’  For which I wrote a one off blog for guidedog.org.uk, which is linked below.

Pavement Parking causing headaches.

Perfect vision …. If only in hindsight.

Isn’t it crazy how even to someone with poor eye sight, hindsight has perfect vision?

Read more

Statistically I am pretty insignificant

Read more

Sun and Sandals

I can’t be the only person who thinks or worries about this, I am sure that it isn’t just something that fellow friends with a visual impairment can to relate too, but also those with half decent sight.

Here is my dilemma, with the sun, out comes the sunglasses…. No trouble there.  I have been wearing them throughout the winter anyway.  But with the warmer weather, out come the sandals.

And sandals mean just one thing….. Feet on show, more precisely.  Toes !!

I haven’t been able to see my feet for a long time.  I hate people touching my feet, so have never dare asked a friend to help.  Last year I only allowed my toes out in private, but not this year.  This year I want to let the sun kiss them.

So, I have come up with a way that I can give myself a pedicure and possibly even paint my toe nails (should the need arise-not that it has JUST yet)

Maybe it is using a piece of equipmemt designed to help those with sight issues to its extreme, but having recently received a (old to them) CCTV reader from a friend…..

I am now able to see my feet and toes for the first time in a long time, and thanks to my tv.

They are in high definition !!!!

 

 

Manchester Madness

“It’s about time we met up for that coffee?’  a friend said several months ago.

All well and good, I do enjoy my coffee, but when the friend in question lives over 200 miles away, not so easy.

But who am I to let a 4 hour train journey stand in the way of catching up with an old friend and drinking coffee?

So, the planning began !!

Having spoken about it with friends (this end of the country) they suggested making a break of it, make it a city break to somewhere I haven’t been before, somewhere close to my friend.  So Manchester was decided upon.

Train from Southampton direct to Mancester Piccadilly.  Premier inn right in the heart of the city, booked.  My children were excited about the mini-break they would be having with the dad too… So, with times and dates put in place, me and google spent many hours together planning the time.  What to do, see, how to travel around and where to eat.

I can bore you with the details about me and technology, but that’s for a different post!

So, the day arrived.  A good friend agreed to get up rediculously early to drive me to the train station, my suitcase was packed along with the pooches essentials.

And off we went!

The train journey was made even more comfortable when a guard moved us to First Class so that he could make me a decent coffee.

By the time me and Vicky arrived in Manchester our plans had changed.  The ‘friend’ we were meeting wasn’t available on Saturday.

So, we were in this big, noisy, smelly city and no idea of what to do.

Firstly, we had to negotiate the trams…. Not using them, rather, walking on the path without being ran over by them…. Even Vicky struggled with the metal lines embedded in the concrete, her step was so gentle, like a small child trying not to step on the cracks.  It wasn’t easy.  But within a few attempts, she had the hang of it, sitting back from them as if they were a curb edge.  Then waiting for my command before walking on.

She was a star, an absolute star.

The hotel, being a premier inn, was very well concealed in a building line, with just a small sign and a single glass door with intercom to enter.  But with the helping arm or a stranger, we found it.

It was nice enough, exactly the same as any other premier inn and therefore perfectly familiar for me, regardless of  the distance from home.

The first walk after checking in was nerve-wrecking, where to go, what to do and where the hell was there some grass for Miss Vicky to do what she needed to do.

In went the headphones (just one ear) on went the Google map app and soon we were in Piccadilly Gardens sat in starbucks and watching the world go past.

By this point I was already tired out, especially my eyes.  I could feel the strain in them, but I didn’t travel all this way just to sit in a hotel room and ignore the city around me, so I started to plan!

Plan what I could do, where I could go and think of how I would cope if the coffee and catch up never happened.

Exhausted. Pained and feeling very vulnerable a dear friend answered their phone on the second ring, they calmed me down, they picked me up and they made me feel proud of what I had done so far, so if I did decide to spend the next three days in the hotel room, I hadn’t wasted my time, I hadn’t been stupid and I had faced a major hurdle for me.  After the pep talk, I decided it was time to do this, to be strong and enjoy my time, enjoythe being with me, enjoy knowing that regardless of where we were I was safe with my guiding girl by my side.  She wouldn’t let me down, no matter what.

…..

The coffee never did happen, but… The visit to The Lowry, The Imperial War Museum, The Blue Peter Garden, The big wheel and many more places did.

The downside of independance mixed with stubbornness like this, Is that when I did arrive back in southampton late on the Tuesday night I was so physically and mentally drained that I could hardly speak, let alone eat or even sleep.

It took five days for the eye strain to ease. For the headache to go and for the emotional wreck that was me to go away.

… … Now though, several months later as I write this (not feeling so raw) I realise that it was a massive thing for me and one that I can never forget.  In fact, it is a trip I hope to repeat, with my two wonderful children this time.  And we shall enjoy plenty of cake !!

 

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