Angry with myself

Tonight I made my climbing partner cross with me, I made myself angry and the result?  It made me physically sick!

Back at Calshot climbing as it is just 5 weeks until the final climb of the season for the 2017 Paraclimbing selections.  Last week was great, I really pushed it and got some brillianr results.  But tonight, I felt completely isolated, alone and insecure.

Calahot is (in the whole) a safe haven for me, a place I can be and feel free, feel comfortable and most of all; not feel blind!

Silly right?

So what changed tonight?

Tonight I couldn’t hear, tonight I could tune into a climber on a completely different wall, yet I couldn’t hear myself…. as my hearing has changed, certain pitches have been a struggle, but this was a first.  I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, yet I could nearly hear my own voice as a whisper.

I panicked, i tried to make myself heard to my partner, but even if he did hear me; his response was lost.

I found my palms starting to sweat, my legs were starting to shake and when you are half way up a wall…… Well, I shall save you the details, but suffice to say it is VERY scary!

I came off, my partner had me and I was safely lowered to the ground, but it didn’t feel like that, it didn’t feel like I was safe, the ground didn’t feel firm and with absolute anger and frustration mixed with my own stubbornness I managed to get myself away, I walked away from my partner, I walked away from the wall.  I took of my harness and shoes and barely made it into the ladies loo before throwing up!

I am shaking now, I have crunched my  way through a packet of poloS just to keep myself from being sick again and I am sat on the cafe at Calshot, so very close to bursting into tears that I find myself writing this as way of stopping that.

I told my partner it was the noise of the kids, I told him the holds were greasy.  He told me I was making excuses.

He is my dearest friend, which is why I got so angry with myself; he is only trying to help me be a better climber, he has supported me throughout and I feel like I have just totally and utterly messed up and ruined his evening.

That may be another reason I am writing this, by way of an apology to him.  I don’t know if he will read it.

But right now, right this minute I feel like I am stranded on the end of a long road, miles away from anything with no idea of how I will ever get home.

I can’t face the idea of putting my harness back on this evening and being brutally honest, I don’t even know IF my climbing partner is still here.


Print page

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Page Reader Press Enter to Read Page Content Out Loud Press Enter to Pause or Restart Reading Page Content Out Loud Press Enter to Stop Reading Page Content Out Loud Screen Reader Support