Yesterday morning I ran out of hayfever tablets, and it wasn’t until getting ready to go to bed after my eyes had felt ‘scratchy’ all evening that I remembered. But within few short minutes it was too late.
The damage was done and there was absolutely nothing I could do.
My eyes started to weep a sticky kind of tear, my eye lids swelled and involuntarily my eyes were closed.
Painfully so, too the point that I had to physically pull them open to try to put drops in, but the pain was so great I gave up on that idea.
All of this is down to my hay-fever, not my eye condition. So I wasn’t overly concerned.
But I wasn’t prepared for what happened and how what followed made me feel.
Not being able to put the eye drops in, the only other option was sleep or try too.
But to get to bed, I first had to turn off the lights and ‘close-up’ the house for the night.
I can and often do walk around my house without the lights on and I know where everything is … Well, maybe apart from the odd toy, or worse a large dog smoked bone !!
But, this was very different.
If I close my eyes when all the lights are on, I can still see the brightness from the lights through my eyelids.
And this was exactly what it was like last night, only because of the swelling and pain, I couldn’t just open my eyes a see the shapes of the lights.
This brightness was very uncomfortable, and more upsetting than I though possible.
Walking around the house turning off the lights was something that physically I could do, but emotionally it was heart breaking.
It wasn’t until the house was in complete darkness that I was able to feel calm again.
There is likely to come a time in the not so distant future when all that I will be able to see is light from dark, with possible shadowing.
Lastnight was an insight (pun intended) to what that world will feel like.
And I don’t think it is ever a world that I will he ready for.
Although registered as severely sight impaired, which many class as ‘blind’ (even in the medical world) I can still see, all be it small amounts in little detail, this is enough, my brain and memory can fill in the rest.
How will my memory cope with filling in the rest when all I can see is light and dark?
How will I tell that my children are amiling if I can only see their shadows?
Will I ever be able to cope with the fact that my sight is ever diminishing?
Or understanding how I will fit in an ever shrinking world?
Any ideas would be grateful received.