Tag Archive for Feelings

Round 2 Rollercoaster

It has taken me some time to write this, and as I type this I am travelling to London to compete in Round 3.

exterior image of The Mancester Climbing Centre, looking just like a church.

Manchester was a fantastic climbing environment, the inner designer in me was in love, the church looked very much like a church from the outside, and even though I had seen interior images on the inter web, I didn’t expect it to have as much if not more character on the inside.

How I was wrong…….

interior image of a large circular stained glass window at the far centre, with a row of ceiling lights, arched rectangular windows to the side and climbing walls wrapped around and in amongst the building.All of the ‘churchie bits’ that were on the outside, like the large stain glass window at the alter, the solid stone arch of the doorway, the monolithically door frames and doors, along with most of the stone.  It was all there.  They weren’t hidden behind fake walls with holds on, they were worked around; they were in some cases ‘peeping’ out from behind an area, allowing the light to filter through and stream mixes of colours on the walls and the climbers; just as I could imagine it had done on the congregation when it was used for its original purpose.

interior image of Manchester Climbing Centre, looking up to a large stain glassed window, above a brick archway, exposed brick and pillars are seen along with a light coloured climbing wall to the left, with different coloured holds and decorative features.

The building oozed character, charm and beauty.  While at the same time taking ownership of its role as a climbing centre.  The walls weren’t out of place, the chalk dusted floor that comes with every climbing arena was perfectly at home.  The bouldering walls, sat snugly in the rear of the church, that you were lead to by solid stone steps and solid banisters.  The design was deliberate, it worked with the buildings original design, instead of against it.

This climbing competition was going to be different, not because of the building, not because I had a clearer idea of what was needed of me, but because my climbing partner was also entering the competition (all be it a different category to me).

He was going to have his own climbs to concentrate on, his own issues to overcome and his own exhaustion to deal with.  To say it put me in state of anxiety, fear, panic, that I was ‘on my own’ would be an understatement.  I felt trapped between a rock and a hard place.  I want for him to compete and have his chance, but at the same time I wanted him to be focussed on helping me. (for which I felt and still feel guilty and selfish for)

Different competitiors in Edinburgh had been given different routes and problems to solve, which was fair.  After all, some of the competitions had physical disabilities, that would make a difference to the way in which they climbed a route.  So, it was with this in my mind that my fear and worry had grown.

Manchester was however, a very different centre.  There were different climbs for different competitors, but as luck would have it, my route problems were the same as my partners.  So we were both able to work with each other and with the use of his iphone 6s, I was able to watch him climb and offer support.

The climbs were misleading though; from the ground, the descriptions of the holds were large and simple, yet when up there, on the end of a rope with only one shot of making the moves needed, it turned out the holds weren’t simple.  Yes they were large, but held no grip for hands or fingers.  it was like trying to climb with only your feet, not something I was too successful with.

So, the building was beautiful, the experience was amazing, but the result…… Well, that is the bit I am not too happy with, the sort version is I came 3rd.  A result that I have not been happy with, a result that I have played over and over and over in my mind.
A photograph of the winners in the female VI category, I am stood on the 3rd block, which is not clear as Fizz my guide dog is stood directly in front of me.

I am not going to make excuses, I wasn’t happy with my performance and it showed.  My only saving grace in my ranking for my climb was that there were 5 competitors, and the 1st and 2nd place in my category went to women who had previously climbed for Team GB.

I didn’t ‘see’ this at the time, I also didn’t ‘see’ that several of the VI climbers were actually aided by laser pointers.  A gadget I had never considered before.  But this got me thinking……

One of the male VI’s also has a hearing impairment, so he uses hearing aids and it is through these that he hears his guide talking to him with a small mike.  So the 2 climbers that made use of their remaining vision by following a laser light, were just receiving a ‘reasonable adjustment’ for the climb.  Not a cheat, not an unfair advantage, but a supporting role from a floor bound guide.

The one part of climbing competitions that I have found the most difficult is that you only get one shot on a top rope climb.  No second chance if you start off on the wrong foot.  So for me, someone who climbs through feeling and smearing the wall, picking the wrong hold half way up can be the difference between getting higher and coming off.  Most of the climbers, even those with limb amputations can plan the route and get an idea of what and how to climb from the ground.  As a VI climber, maybe it is time to start thinking and climbing differently.

On to round 3….. just 10 days later, although that is actually today.  Off to climb in a castle in London !!!

 

Ding Ding … Round Two

Sitting in the car, driving along in the dark with nothing but the blur of lights on the motorway.

And where am I off to?

Manchester!  Not for a coffee, not for an exhibition, but for round two of the BMC Paraclimbing 2017 qualifiers.

Having found myself in a quarry in Edinburgh just over a month ago, tomorrow I shall be finding myself inside a renovated church.  Otherwise known as The Manchester Climbing Centre.

Last month was a different kind of nerves, last month I never knew what to expect from the competition.  Now I know the expectations, I know just how hard I need to work on each of the problems.

And the small matter that in Edinburgh I walked away with a glass trophy and 1st Place in my category.

This has almost made me feel more apprehensive, I MUST do better, like I MUST beat my previous placing.  Although, I’m not sure how I beat 1st Place !!!

So, wish me luck and I shall update tomorrow …… If my hands allow me that is.

Touch, but don’t Look

Read more

Are chains REALLY a bad thing ?

Read more

The lengths I go to for a swim…

Last weeks climb is nothing in comparison to today’s challenge.

Today though was a very different type of challenge, this one was more of an anxiety, need for preparation and gaining some control over a situation.

I explain my WHY in What does ……  Today was one of those days; the kind of day where something out of my control was happening, something I couldn’t hide away from and something I didn’t want to hide from.

Because if I did, I would be disappointing and letting my son down.

So, time for a plan…..

My son was invited to a swim party!  A party where I was required to be in the water with him, something we had done before…. But never like this!

This was different, it was in a pool I had never been to, it was in a party environment, so I didn’t know if there would be lights, music or inflatables.  Oh and it was with many of the mums and dads from the school playground!

I set to work, I had a plan…. I was not going to let my son down, I WAS NOT going to let his friend and her family down by bailing out (I have paid for numerous birthday parties and know just how much they cost)

The pool and leisure centre was one that I had actually used before….. All be it 19 Years ago, before it was fully refurbished and renovated though.

This was a positive though …. The wonders of the Internet and EVERYTHING being online I was able to find a floor plan of the new building, a ‘street view’ of the exterior and images from the centres website to put together enough information to make me feel like I knew where I was going.  A virtual walk through if you like.

Then came my next worry, when in the pool, would I be able to see my son? Short answer is obvious….. No!

I didn’t want to ask another parent to look after him, I wanted to enjoy the party with him, but without keeping him all to myself and stopping him playing with his friends.

So, with his help I got from the changing rooms (where my cane was locked away) and into the pool.  I headed for a space at the side as to not get in anyone’s way.

I initially heard him playing, but soon the noise increased and it was hard to make him out.

A casual  “Hey, is Lawremce playing nicely?”  Gave me a conversation starter to find out roughly where he was in the pool, so I could focus in.  It was then a friend and fellow school mum said that she was keeping a look out for him as she knew I would find it tricky.  And as he was playing with her son it wasn’t difficult !!

Lawrence is a confident paddler, the party was in the training pool and I wanted him to enjoy his time at the party, hence another WHY I had to be there…. Knowing that everyone in the pool was known by the party hosts enabled me to relax my fear of stranger danger.

At one point. He came over to me and asked if I wanted to play, we had a real laugh, he was guiding me, without guiding me (if that makes any sense)

The one hour swim part of the party was over too soon and not only had Lawrence had a fabulous time, I too had had the chance to relax and enjoy the party fun.

Please take a moment to answer in the comments below; a few little question for me…

1. Would you, previously have thought this was a bit obsessive?

2.  Would you fear the opinion of your peers if you asked for support?


 

Should you ever go back?

What is it they say?

The past is just a memory and not a place to visit or change:

While traveling on this journey of sight loss I have stopped myself from ‘going back’ to many places, places I loved before my sight deteriorated, places like Nottingham; that I called home for three years, where I studied for my degree and more memorably; where I first encountered a real life police horse (but that is another story!)

I haven’t gone back, even though as I was leaving university the city was in the final stages of having its tram installed, so even without sight loss I know that it would look very different from the way it looked 13 Years ago, but with my sight changing so much in that time, I am scared.

Some would say I am very ‘lucky’ and ‘fortunate’ that my sight has reduced gradually and in such a way that I find myself adjusting to it on a daily basis and as such I haven’t  ‘noticed’ it so much.

I’m not sure I would call it luck or fortune …..

Especially when I go back, back to places of my past.  This is when I am able to see the differences, especially in those place where I can no longer ACTUALLY see.

Yesterday I caught myself in just such a moment.  Not in a physical place, but rather while watching an old movie.

Not an old movie as in black and white, or set in the Wild West, a movie that is now 18 years old, (even idiot realise it was not THAT OLD!) a movie that; as a book loving romantic I could recite pretty much word for word.  And more importantly (for me at least) and to help you understand its significance a film that was released Pre-Audio Descript !!

A film that until I thought about it, I probably hadn’t seen in the last 10 years, the very same ten years that I noticed my sight getting worse.

It isn’t one of The Great films of all time, no it is a silly, soppy, romantic comedy with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

A film that’s opening soundtrack is a computer connecting to a wired Internet connection !

yup, you may have guessed, The film was You’ve Got Mail.

The movie that found me crying my heart out, the movie that got me realising that even holding my iPad up to within an inch of my face, I could no longer make out the little details.

The little details like the lettering on the shop front, or the newspaper headlines or more importantly in the final scene, when they kiss, it just a jumbled mess of colours, no facial details, no contrast between them and the background in the scene.

And all those things about that I have described above are totally irrational, ridiculous ‘third-world’ issues and hold no bearing on my life today

It is JUST an old film.

It is JUST a silly teenagers memories of ideals.

And yet, it is JUST a smack in the face moment of recognition that I have actually lost so much.

 

 

Jumping without a parachute …

Who needs a comfort zone anyway?  Last weekend I not only stepped out of mine, I jumped out of it without my parachute !!

Not even those closest to me may have even realised the inner turmoil I was battling with …… Fizz knew, she kept me calm, she kept me from falling apart and she kept me safe every time I needed her to put on her harness and be my eyes.

Any event/conference/summer spectacular is daunting for many!

A room with 2,000 other people is also terrifying in itself!

Then add to the mix you can only see shapes and colours; the lighting is set up as corporate and moves with the music; the music that is loud, pumped out around the room to ‘raise the roof’ to ‘motivate’ and to ‘excite’ EVERYONE in the room.

Having recently decided to stop ‘messing around with diets and fads’ and actual take control of my eating, my inner nutrients and my health, I looked to my cousin for support.  She introduced me to Herbalife, a safe, clean, nutrition fuelled way of eating, not a ‘diet product’ rather a way to live, a way to improve myself from the inside out, while being able to support me through training, rock climbing, bringing up my children and running around with each of my volunteer roles.

… Fast forward a few months and here I was, sat in Manchester, watching, learning and feeling empowered by The Herbalife Summer Spectacular.

The chosen venue was literally a large box!  A MASSIVE exhibition space that was broken up and segmented by heavy curtains, false walls and carpeting.

Having previously been to Manchester a few years ago, this didn’t concern me.  With the new Google Street View App on my phone I was able to walk around the outside of EventCity, I was able to find Starbucks, plan how to get from the hotel in MediaCity, again having visited the area before, I felt OK here.

I had a room-mate for the weekend, she absolutely adored Fizz and was wonderful, even volunteering to take her out for walks having never met either of us before.

…. Back to the venue…. I was invited to sit at the front of the room, an area reserved for those prestige members, an adjustment made just for me if it would help me see the event clearer.  Sadly no where I sat would have done that, so I stayed sat with my cousin and her friends.  Fizz was fabulous, she was so calm and took all the noises and light changes in her stride, not letting it bother her at all.

In the evening, we returned to EventCity for a dinner and awards ceremony.  I though I would be OK, I though that I now knew the venue and would be OK.  I had realised in the 2 hours that we had left the venue for, that the room had changed, the big round tables were still in place, but upon our return they were dressed in white linen cloths, fully dressed with red, white and blue balloons.  The large screens were in place also, but now decorated with the same colours, there was now also a checkered dance floor and the lighting was much dimmer.

Dressed to match the colours, as advised on the invitation I found a seat with my roomy and sat down to enjoy the show.  I had preordered drinks, that she kindly collected from the bar, we had a fabulous time, laughing, chatting and watching the awards ceremony; that saw my cousins husband won first prize of £10,000 !!!

The food was interesting and incredibly difficult….. Apparently it looked very pretty, but served on white plates with dim lights and light coloured food, it was a bit of a struggle for a VIP like me !

I survived though, my anxiety didn’t get the better of me, I had a pretty good time and I am now going to be giving away my inner turmoils of the weekend to those who were with me and will hopefully be reading this.


 

 

Clumsy blonde or should that be blindie?

Those of you who have followed me will know that I am A Mac!

This came about long before the iPhone, long before even the iPod.  This came from the days (way back when) a Mac was used for all things design and a PC was used for all things administrative.

Being that my Honours Degree is in Design Studies and a large part of that was graphic design, I got through university with a G4 (the most powerful Mac of its time)

The whole idea of an iPhone scared me, how could a visually impaired person use a phone without a keypad?   It was only once Nokia decided to remove Nuanse Talks from its new phones that I was forced towards the iPhone…… And I got on with it very easily, very easily indeed.

So, when my partner at the time had a bit of a payout, he bought me an iPad.  I loved it, it was fantastic and for the past few years with a wireless keyboard I have used this more than my MacBook Pro.

So, it wouldn’t surprise you that I took it into the garden to do some work.  Only to drop it!

It hit the patio with a thump and the screen broke….. I cried….. I screamed at myself….. And then I began to panic, thankfully everything on my iPad was backed up to iCloud, but how would I be able to buy a new one? How would I manage without it?

Then, thankfully, I remembered that it was one of the items I had specified on my home insurance.  So, a relitively painless phone call later, the call handler informed me that it was indeed covered on my insurance and for the price of my excess, I would receive a new iPad Air within 7-10 working days!

That was the longest 2 weeks of my life, although the newer versions of iPad do not have the same weight to them of the older versions….. So am trying to get so used to how light it feels !!

Since it arrived though, I have turned on the voiceover and apart from when the kids are using it for ‘bug club’ or ‘mathletics’ EVERYTHING I do on is accessible and audio based.

 

The sky is too bright

In true British fashion, we are forever complaining about the weather.  ‘It’s too cold’, ‘it’s too wet’ or when the sun is actually out…. ‘it’s too hot!’

Throw into the mix a visual impairment and then it becomes, ‘It’s too dark’, ‘it’s too grey’, ‘it’s too bright’, ‘it’s too cloudy’ or ‘there isn’t enough cloud Coverage!’

I most definitely fall into the latter category……… I am definitely best suited to a dull grey day or a blue sky (but only in the summer months, not the winter -then the sun is to low!!)

This is something I am finding to be an issue more and more of late.

While sat in a friends car yesterday I put the sun visor down, but on a jaunty angle.  The reason for this, wasn’t bright sunshine, rather a sky full of bright white clouds ready to turn black at any given moment and empty their content over those unfortunate enough not to be dressed for it!

My friend asked if I was ok? it was then that I realised I had never actually told anyone about these issues that I

So I started to explained it only it isn’t actually that easy to explain, because it is still pretty hard for me to understand and make sense of it myself.

By having a bright cloudy sky my eyes are drawn to it, I become like a magpie!  I can see the bright shiny, but then I find it hard to see anything else, not that I can see much!

So. By putting down the visor I block out the light,stopping myself being drawn to it and am able to try and focus on other things, like being able to see the colour of the car in front of us, or the shop and building colours?

Just more of the little things that are so insignificant to others, but are beginning to become more and more noticeable to me as I struggle to see them!

This is just s small hurdle I am to overcome before I can continue on my way.

When help came with its own terms !!

I was invited to meet friends for a drink.  They suggested somewhere new, somewhere I have never been before……

Sure, no trouble, have pooch, can travel.

Only when it came to the date, pooch was off work with a water infection.

My anxiety was telling me to cancel, but my stubbornness was telling me I could do this, worst case, I could always ask for assistance once there if needed.

So, off I went with my cane, found the pub and the entrance….

Light levels at this time of year mean that even when it is raining, it is very bright light (to me anyway, maybe not to everyone)

I focused in on the bar and was doing alright.  I stood by the bar enjoying my drink and allowing my eyes to adjust to the interior light.  This was a bit of a struggle as each of the tables had a church candle on it, causing me go struggle to work out if the table was empty or had people sat around.

When a voice came up beside me,

Hello miss, can I help you find a table?

Thank you, yes if I could …..

But I never got to finish before the older gentleman grabbed for my hand and started walking with me.

I was lost for words initially, then managed

can I please take your arm, rather than you hold my hand?”

To which he let go of my hand; I thought he was going to offer me his arm, instead he turned to face me and in an annoyed tone said,

If you aren’t happy with me helping you, I won’t bother at all!

Before walking off……

I was lost for words, I hadn’t meant to cause offence, but anyone who has ever been guided before, would tell you that holding an arm gives you the ability to understand and follow the movement of your guide.  Holding their hand can make you feel like your being dragged.

Thankfully the barmaid came to my aid, apologised for her rude customer and guided me to a nice table, where I was able to sit before my friends arrived.

I am always appreciative of help, if I didn’t want the help I would have said ‘no thank you’ straight out, I also appreciate that those who offer assistance do not know me, may not know how to best help.  I do get that, but to have this reaction was a new one for me….. I guess that’s just another one to add to the ‘funny things that happen when you are blind’ list.

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