Archive for Theresa Osborne-Bell

31 May 2013
Blind Blog • Days Out

What’s in a saying?

We all have little ways of saying things, little phrases that we all use every day, without thinking.

The most common of these are:-

” Have you seen this?”

“Look at this.”

“did you see that?”

my response to aloof these is no, but I have never, nor will I ever take offence to them.  I myself usually end a conversation with ” See you again soon,”

They are common sayings and I even do it, if I’ve been to a film having listened to the audio description, I still say ” I saw that…….film the other night, have you seen it?”

I also say that I’ve read a great book book lately, even though I listen to it.  “I’ve just listened to a great film/book” just doesn’t have the same ring to it!

The reason I am writing this blog about this is because yesterday when out with a good family friend and all our kids, he went to show me a photo on his phone and stopped dead and then apologised for saying the classic “look at this”

As the day went on he continued to say ” come look at this” again apologising after each time.

This unsettled me, not because he had said these things, because he was just saying the same things that we all say (me included) but that he felt anxious by the thought that he had upset me.

How perverted would it sound if I started saying “I’ll feel you later” ! Or my friends said to me, ” Come and touch this!” I know I would probably run in the opposite direction.

So, I will continue to tell my friends that I look forward to seeing them soon and do not want my friends to cringe or feel anxious when they say ” come look at this” or “have you seen this”

So, these are just typical English sayings and part of each and everyone of us.  I can’t talk for every VIP or people with other disabilities, but I doubt they would take offence either.

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27 May 2013
Blind Blog • Days Out

Walking in the woods

A gorgeous bright sunny bank holiday Monday is just what everyone wishes for.  Me too, but with bright sunny weather comes other issues For me.

Taking my son out to a great little play park in the Forest of Bere, this means that I can also free run my guide dog in the woodlands, she loves finding sticks and jumping in the streams and puddles.

Today as we got a lift up to the forest, it appeared that most families had had the same idea, there was nowhere to park, so a thankfully we were just getting dropped off.  But being a veteran of these woods I knew that this would be ok.

Walk just 10 minutes past the park and adventure playground and your have tranquility.

maybe the odd group of older children making a camp, oor the odd dedicated dog walker, but none of the families enjoying their picnics while the Kids play in the parks.

But although I know this area very well, but with the puppy out comes the long cane.  In an off road track this isn’t ideal, but its better than nothing.

As I said earlier, bright sunny cloudless day’s are a struggle.  For me this comes in stopping me from using my remaining sight, relying purely on light and dark and shadows and sounds.

Vicky free runs wearing a play collar, this collar has a bell on it the makes a noise every time she moves (fantastic when she disappears off into the woodland)

My son is a little chatterbox and loves to sing woodland songs, so with strategically dressed bright clothes that contrasts when he runs into the woodland too to find twigs & bugs. So I know where he is too.

But on brighter days my concentration to keep safer safe and be aware that I’m not smothering him in Cotton wool is exhausting.  Mix this with panics over shadows of the trees That are created by the sun above suddenly appearing out of no-where and its quite a tricky walk in comparison to doing it on a cloudy day.

I still enjoy it, but when we get home the dog isn’t the only one who is exhausted.

Would you be able to navigate around rough terrain if your vision was clouded so you could only see the light against dark or shadow?

I would love to experiment with a few friends, wrapping scarves around their face just to let the light in, but no view….

even if you read this, but don’t go that far, I hope this post has helped you understand seeing my way!

 

 

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17 May 2013
About Me • Blind Blog

Another ending

My condition is such that it often alters very little over time, so on a daily basis I may not notice any difference from the day or week before.  But when I go to do something that I did some time ago, that it when I notice it.

This recognition that something has changed, often hits me like a smack in the mouth!

When I started working for my employer in 2011 I had been using my home computer and work computer on a much lower level.  By this I mean that in my previous role my work was split up between dealing with clients, the computer and general office work.

The new position was all computer based and telephone connection with clients.  No more face to face contact.  Isolating yes, but this meant that I could work from home in the evenings after the homework was done.

Working from full spreadsheets I started to notice problems, through a scheme ran by the government called ‘access to work’ I was able to apply for a grant for adaptions to my computer, this included zoom text software to magnify the screen and allow me to move around the page with ease, this worked well.

But like all companies, the software and processes that they used changed.  I moved from a spreadsheet to an up to the minute online calling system, all the information was there in front of me, the computer also did an automatic dial to the client.

The new system was a struggle.

 

I work very well with order and sequence, with the new system this wasn’t always the case depending on the needs of the client.  This was not a design fault of the system the company used.  It was an issue I had due to my sight loss.  The programme was very simplistic and easy to use, were you able to see it all on one screen, which with the magnification, I couldn’t.

Work were more than happy to offer support and to aid me with my work I was able to work at a reduced rate without financially missing out while I went through a transition phase working with the new system.

It was in this period that I began to struggle personally with my sight loss and its implications, as a person who has a very strong work ethic I felt that I was letting myself and the company down.

It took months to actually admit this, during which time I struggled on.  It was at my breaking point in June 2012 that I admitted my struggles to my doctor, who was very kind, understanding and started to work with me to get the help and support that I required.

I also contacted my employers accessibility team and explained my issues, they made an assessment and felt that moving away from magnification and moving to a screen reading technology would be better for me.  So back to ATW I went with my report and all of my needs, including a brailliant (a computerised braille reader) I was able to start on the road to doing my job in a different, new and exciting way.

In theory anyway……..

Because of the way in which screen readers read a page on the computer and the layout of the software used, the two were not compatible.  An issue that was not of great concern for me as I was to move back to working with the spreadsheets, a preference of mine.  They included more data so that I was not disadvantaged over my colleagues.

But I broke.

I have been using a Mac for a long time and using the built in accessibility and with the help of my voice Lily, I have got on very well with it when I have needed it.

Having some useable sight I struggled to let go of that completely and with that I developed an eye strain that had a great affect on my levels of concentration for which I need to take eye drops on almost an hourly basis if I am using the computer or even watching tv or a film.

In October I took the step to visit my doctor again and explain these issues, she felt that it was important for me to understand my depression and how to deal with this and in turn my altering eye condition.  So she made an alteration to medications and put me forward for counselling.  Oh, and she signed me ‘unfit to work’

Having undertaken many changes in my life, some positive, some not so  I attended a final stage sickness review with my employer, and on Monday my contract with them was terminated on medical grounds.

I had always hoped to return to work, but this position was one, that even with assistive technology and support I would not be capable of, not through lack of knowledge or an imcompetance, just through circumstance.

This I think is a decision and understanding I had come to by myself long before the meeting, after all to get to stage three, I had been through stages 1 and 2, an in-depth report from my own doctor and an independent medical assessment.

It is heartbreaking to say goodbye to this job, today was the final ending as my ,ine manager collected all 6 boxes of computers, technologies and the hub that they had installed on the start of my employment.

This equipment has been boxed up for a few months to save it from the kids and dust, but the space it has left caused a tear or two.

I see this a defeat, I HATE to fail, to let people down.  To let myself down.  It is always hard for anyone to walk away from something when it is not working.  But hopefully this is one stress crossed of the list and will enable me to move forward.

Wish me luck.

 

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07 May 2013
Blind Blog • Days Out

I will never argue with her again

Every guide dog owner can tell you of a time when they have had to deal with SDS (stubborn Dog Syndrome).

A good gd is well trained, a great gd is able to problem solve and think outside the training. But no matter how good or great, there is a key factor that many people forget, they are still dogs and as such have a very active mind of their own….. Many a gd owner who has had a retriever, will tell a tale or two about their stubborn streak, their dislike of walking back on themselves, so if you forget something in the supermarket aisle, you have to con them by walking in a round route down the next aisle to get back to where you actually started.

This stubborn streak can also come out when you do the same walk, say to the corner shop that they do each and every day, all gd’s retrievers or not are dogs and have a very loveable and funny sense of humour.

This evening on my way home from a friends, after a very stubborn day from my gd I was reminded that she is my guide, my protector and that she has an extra sense, that even with full sight I would never possess.

Tonight my puppy saved my life.

We were heading home, Vicky had taken me to the crossing that we had used so many times before, I pressed the button and awaited the beep to say we could walk. The beep started, but she refused to move. She was in fact backing up, as if to says he wanted to go back where we had come from. So of course, I corrected her and tried to move her forward. It was in that milli-second that the truth came out.

The crossing was still beeping, yet I heard and felt the air where two rather loud, turbo charged cars whooshed right in front of me.

If she had let me cross, we could have been severely hurt if not worse.

I was so shaken that I just sat down on the path and grabbed her in a big hug. A women walking on the opposite side of the road had seen the whole thing and rushed to see that we were ok……

We were both fine, although I was a little shaken by what could have been.

Guide dogs are trained not to walk in front of cars when they have their engines on, unless on a designated crossing, but it is never the gd’s responsibility to say when it is safe to cross the road, that is always down to the owner. They are trained to stop for cars and bikes and not to cross, but as I said as her human, it is always my responsibility to say when to cross or not, because some dogs loose the ability to judge traffic if they don’t use it. Which I can say since training Vicky has only had to do it once (not bad in 4 years!)

But I couldn’t even hear these cars approaching the lights, a sound of gear changes that I have come to understand to tell when a car is slowing down, and judging by the speed in which they’d went past, they hadn’t been close by before the lights had changed.

I have heard stories of this happening before, one Guide dog was even awarded a medal for doing the very same thing for his owner on a busy street. But I couldn’t believe my luck when I discovered that my very own Vicky was capable of this and had as a result saved us both a lot of pain.

Tonight I am a very proud gd owner & will think twice before arguing with her at the crossing.

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01 May 2013
About Me • Blind Blog

Playground Whispers

When I was younger and at school myself I had my fair share of taunts in the playground, but as an adult with two children of my own I did not expect tobe subjected to such hurt yet again.

i am (or try to be) a strong women, but yesterday when taking my daughter to school it took ever ounce of courage to stand in the playground an wait until she had gone into her classroom.

As a mum with two children to get up and dressed in the morning, a dog to feed and walk before the school run, I am lucky if I get to grab a quick shower and a coffee, so I am dressed, presentable and my children are ready for the day ahead.

I have never been one to wear makeup on a daily basis, a dab of Vaseline on my lips is as good as it gets.  That is just part of who I am, it has nothing to do with my eye condition.

But apparently it has a much greater bearing on my life and my capabilities as a mum than I had ever imagined.

My inability to see the importance of wearing makeup lead to me being hurt and upset by two women who should only be described as playground bullies.

Because what I lack in sight I more than make up for in hearing.

Within my earshot they stood chatting about “my poor children” “the state my house must be in” ” no wonder my partner isn’t with me anymore” ” what must it be like to have sex, with someone like that” (me that is)

Even writing this post I find the tears welling up again.  I am me, a person, sight loss or no sight loss I have feelings and comments like this hurt, the most painful is my ability to look after my children.

I’m not a perfect parent, I don’t think such a thing exists, but I am a bloody good one.  This isn’t just my opinion, this is also the opinion of family, friends and teaching professionals that have all come into contact with me and my children.

My children are and always will be my first priority, now you see I am feeling that I need to justify myself, because of these comments.

i don’t is the simple answer.

Being a VIP means that I often do things in a different way to others and it is with this blog that I hope to explain this to others.

My reasoning for telling you about this incident is to make you aware that little off hand comments said like this can cause great upset and hurt, even questioning a persons abilities and it doesn’t stop when you finish school, it continues throughout life.

I walked home from the school grounds in tears, then spent hours questioning myself, none of which I needed to do, but I did.

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22 Apr 2013
About Me • Blind Blog

St George’s Day sewing marathon

So, tomorrow is St George’s Day and at 2.40 this afternoon my daughters school sent out a text message to say that any Beavers, Rainbows, Brownies etc are free to wear their uniforms instead of school uniform… With full badges!

This created 2 panics….

1) where were all of her badges that still needed sewing on? (all of them in fact!)

2) how the hell was I going to actually sew them on to her T-shirt?

As a child I learnt to sew in home economics, I even made a pencil case with my name stitched on it with flowers, but that was in my ‘days with sight’ era.  Not now.

Being an ever resourceful mum, I do have a full sewing box, with pins, every colour of thread imaginable and even spare buttons, hence to say its content was completely undisturbed.

 

First to thread the needle…

It took several attempts to even get the end with the eye in it, I’m glad to say my fingers are quite thick skinned as they sustained a few injuries this evening.  My kit actually came with a funning looking needle threader, but that just confused me.  So I doubled the length of thread, triple knotted the loose ends and proceeded to spend the next 14 minutes to get it on the needle, a good bit of spit and I was ready to go.

Placing the badges…

Anyone who knows me will confirm that when I do things, I pride myself that they are done right, so the next 24 minutes were spent arranging the badges, lining them up, putting them into a vague remembered date order and pinning them in

Let the sewing begin….

The first stitch was nerve wrecking, but thankfully the badges were very good quality and had a lovely thick raised edge, so once I started, I stopped having to look and was able to slowly and steadily sew the first badge in place, purely by feeling the edging of the badge itself.

I was off…… It was great to feel a real sense of achievement tiling this, with only a few hiccups, like sewing on a badge before Realising I had pinned it upside down!

My sewing effort is by no means perfect, but it is done.  My daughter can now wear her Rainbows uniform tomorrow with pride and be able to share each of her badge achievements with her class mates.

Ok, so she won’t understand the blood, tears and expletives that went into it.

But I will, and that matters.

 

 

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17 Apr 2013
Blind Blog • Challenges

Going Alone

I struggle with staying indoors or doing nothing when the sun starts to shine.  With the bad weather we have had despite it being April, I am getting serious cabin fever.

So on Sunday morning with my swimming partner out of action due to illness, instead of going to the pool alone, I popped to my mum and dads for a large mug of green tea….. This was my first solo bike ride, a round trip of just under 11 miles!

I struggled to hold the bike up at first as my whole body was shaking with a mix of fear and excitement.

Even writing this I feel pathetic.  I am a 32 year old woman, who has been riding a bike since I was about 4…. This was a huge step for me though.  And one that deep down I know is not pathetic.

 

I know the route to mum and dads really well, some would say I could do it with my eyes closed….. And in the dark, that would be almost the same thing.  It is almost all cycle path, no problem at all.

Until you factor in joggers, other cyclists and the odd low flying buzzard!

As part of my condition I lost my ability to judge speed and depth, so when seeing another cyclist, I just stop.  sounds daft, but then I can’t possibly ride into them that way.  This does leave me often standing still for a while, but its the safest way I can think of.

I’m not sure what my consultants would say if they knew that I did this, I am not legally allowed to drive a car, but I have never been asked to take a test to ride a push bike.  If I didn’t feel safe….. I wouldn’t do it, and like I said in a previous post, I do know my area very well and will only ride within cycle lanes, cycle paths and on the odd footpath in between.

In doing this and trying to keep my independence, I have also been called a fraud, but then, in reading a label in the supermarket or looking at my own watch I have also been called a fraud.

This is an open blog, please feel free to let me know your opinion.  Good or Bad, all I ask is that you keep your language polite.

So over to you…….

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16 Apr 2013
About Me • Blind Blog

Rock Bottom

Having thrown myself into everything and anything, I began to freakish that my time was being overtaken by my need to help others, and the reason I was helping others was to stop me thinking about my problems and my issues that I was having with understanding and coming to terms with my own condition and sight loss.

The catalyst for this came when I began to find out that magnification on my computer was not enough to help me at work, it was time to move on to a screen reading piece of software.  This is a wonderful technology, using hot keys you move around a document reading your way around each page instead of seeing it.

 

For me, this was just a nail in the coffin to confirm that I was different and couldn’t just get by like I always had in the past…….. Still now almost a year later after it was suggested to me, I can’t bring myself to do it.

I am a MAC user at home, you name it, I got it…. Mac Book Pro, Ipad, Ipod, Iphone…. Me and Siri have a love hate relationship at times and a my friends are now getting used to reading between the lines in my messages.

 

But for me, screen reading is a major hurdle and because of this, I have not been at work since October and my future in my role is now in question.

Its not the learning something new part that I struggle with, I have learnt brailleIts so much more than that….. its letting go of using my eyes so much.

Its Hard.  It has led me into a world of depression and feelings of loneliness.

 

Writing about this is very painful, so bear with me please…..

Now however I feel that I have hit my rock bottom.  So for now I’m learning to climb.  And to not fear, but instead accept help when it is offered.

That is the hardest part, being strong, independent, yet allowing myself to ask for help and not seeing myself as a failure for doing so

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12 Apr 2013
About Me

Burying my head in the sand.

As you have probably worked out by now, receiving the news that you have an eye condition that will only get worse and could result in you loosing all of it in time wasn’t the best news!

 

when I was first diagnosed I researched my condition and looked for the positives…. Or ‘perks’ as I know refer to them.  As silly as it sounds, I had to find some good out of this bad situation.

I received lots of help from my consultant, social worker and good friends.  This was when I discovered just how many VIPs there actually are in Fareham and support groups to help… So I started volunteering, first at an active group called FAAB and was soon followed by volunteering for a local club that ran under the umbrella of the Hampshire based charity Open Sight.

Disability issues and sight loss became my world for a few years, I threw myself into volunteering and in an odd way helping others with their sight issues shelled me.  but I began to feel that I needed to spend more time on myself and my family.  I do still volunteer and enjoy helping out, just a little less than I did.

When I stopped helping others, I realised  just how much my own sight condition did actually upset me, and this was when I fell apart.

This was when I started to really understand my sight loss and me……. To put this post into perspective…… Despite my registration being in 2008, this has only just happened for me!

 

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10 Apr 2013
Blind Blog • Challenges • Days Out

Getting on my bike!

So with just under 29 weeks until I find myself running the great south run,  which I am doing for 2 reasons…..

1) To raise money for guide dogs, who without their support and funding, I would not be have half the independence that I have today.

2) As a person achievement for me – I’m not going to break any speed records, but I am going to complete it by jogging/sprinting the entire course.

As a mum of 2, the reading on the scales has up radially gone up, something that I am determined to change.  I don’t believe in fad diets, but healthy eating and that everything is good and allowed within moderation.  To help with this I have joined my local Slimming World group for moral support.  This hasn’t been without its own ups and downs, but it has also proved that a lot of the scales gain has come from loosing or thinking that I had lost my independence…..   Life also gets in the way of exercise alot of the time, well the excuse that it does is actually what gets in the way!

With a guide dog I do try and walk as much as possible, I don’t have the luxury of jumping in the car to pop out for milk!  But I really missed the bike rides and the swimming.

So guess what?

I do both !!!!!  With the help of a friend I have gradually built up my confidence to swim, he has helped me strengthen my technique and we aim to go swimming together once a week, in addition to this I have signed up for a swim membership and often find myself at the pool, by myself at least once more each week.

Now that the weather is cheering up (although as I write this, it’s started to rain!) today the bike got dusted off and taken out….. With my daughter who is 7 we rode 4.2 miles to a nice pub for lunch, before taking the slightly longer route of 4.8 miles home again.

Some of you may be reading this with a sense of fear, for not only my safety, but that of my daughters…. Please trust me when I say that I would not do this without feeling safe.  I am a firm believer that pavements are for both cycles as well as pedestrians (showing respect for each others space) I am also very lucky to live within fareham and its neighbouring town of Gosport, that both have a wonderful network of cycle track and designated cycle lanes on the roads.

With my central vision and concentration I am able to cycle very comfortably within these perimeters and pay full attention to my daughter.

 

Today we did also had a bit of help from a friend as my daughter had not previously had a lot of confidence with her riding.

But once she started there was no stopping her, I think she definitely carries my determined gene.

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