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So….. Today, this happened !!

Me & Fizz outside EICA

It’s almost 11.00 o’clock, 12 hours after this crazy day started. The climbing arena was nothing like I had ever seen before and no matter how much I had researched and looked at photo after photo I was not prepared for the quarry that I

The end of a (half) Era

  Today is one filled with mixed emotions, concerns and thoughts.  Today, 18th January 2015 is the last working day for my guide dog Vicky.  We have been working together as a qualified team since 18th November 2009, and it has been an amazing 5

Maybe I Should have said something before…..

Well, this is something new……. I am sat in the passenger seat of my friends car doing 70+ MPH on the M6 Motorway travelling on my way to Edinburgh; while typing this blog.  My iPad is tethered to my phone for 4G and my voiceover

Faith

While with a group of friends today we were talking about faith.  Discussing it and questioning what our understanding of it is. One comment made about one way to look at faith was If you’re sat on a chair, you hold faith that THAT chair

St George’s Day sewing marathon

So, tomorrow is St George’s Day and at 2.40 this afternoon my daughters school sent out a text message to say that any Beavers, Rainbows, Brownies etc are free to wear their uniforms instead of school uniform… With full badges! This created 2 panics…. 1)

The lengths I go to for a swim…

Last weeks climb is nothing in comparison to today’s challenge.

Today though was a very different type of challenge, this one was more of an anxiety, need for preparation and gaining some control over a situation.

I explain my WHY in What does ……  Today was one of those days; the kind of day where something out of my control was happening, something I couldn’t hide away from and something I didn’t want to hide from.

Because if I did, I would be disappointing and letting my son down.

So, time for a plan…..

My son was invited to a swim party!  A party where I was required to be in the water with him, something we had done before…. But never like this!

This was different, it was in a pool I had never been to, it was in a party environment, so I didn’t know if there would be lights, music or inflatables.  Oh and it was with many of the mums and dads from the school playground!

I set to work, I had a plan…. I was not going to let my son down, I WAS NOT going to let his friend and her family down by bailing out (I have paid for numerous birthday parties and know just how much they cost)

The pool and leisure centre was one that I had actually used before….. All be it 19 Years ago, before it was fully refurbished and renovated though.

This was a positive though …. The wonders of the Internet and EVERYTHING being online I was able to find a floor plan of the new building, a ‘street view’ of the exterior and images from the centres website to put together enough information to make me feel like I knew where I was going.  A virtual walk through if you like.

Then came my next worry, when in the pool, would I be able to see my son? Short answer is obvious….. No!

I didn’t want to ask another parent to look after him, I wanted to enjoy the party with him, but without keeping him all to myself and stopping him playing with his friends.

So, with his help I got from the changing rooms (where my cane was locked away) and into the pool.  I headed for a space at the side as to not get in anyone’s way.

I initially heard him playing, but soon the noise increased and it was hard to make him out.

A casual  “Hey, is Lawremce playing nicely?”  Gave me a conversation starter to find out roughly where he was in the pool, so I could focus in.  It was then a friend and fellow school mum said that she was keeping a look out for him as she knew I would find it tricky.  And as he was playing with her son it wasn’t difficult !!

Lawrence is a confident paddler, the party was in the training pool and I wanted him to enjoy his time at the party, hence another WHY I had to be there…. Knowing that everyone in the pool was known by the party hosts enabled me to relax my fear of stranger danger.

At one point. He came over to me and asked if I wanted to play, we had a real laugh, he was guiding me, without guiding me (if that makes any sense)

The one hour swim part of the party was over too soon and not only had Lawrence had a fabulous time, I too had had the chance to relax and enjoy the party fun.

Please take a moment to answer in the comments below; a few little question for me…

1. Would you, previously have thought this was a bit obsessive?

2.  Would you fear the opinion of your peers if you asked for support?


 

What does depression look like?

Depression is a ‘hidden’ disability.  And yes it is a disability, anyone who has ever suffered with it, medicated or not will explain how on a ‘low’ day, even getting up to go to the loo is unbearable. Therefore, disabling….

So, if depression is a hidden disability; what does it look like?

it looks like this ……

Headshot of me, my hair is down, I am smiling and am chewing on the end of my glasses leg

Yup, it looks like me!

I don’t often put up the bits about me, but my depression is part of my sight loss, it is part of me and it isn’t something that can be fixed quickly with medication and ‘telling someone how you feel’.

As a trainee counsellor I more than most understand where my depression stems from and it isn’t just one thing, it is a lot of little things, some from my past, many of my present and also fears of my future.

Just because I know the WHY, doesn’t me I can fix it.  Depression is partly an imbalance of chemicals and to support me I take medication, but this isn’t the cure.

Just like knowing how your car works; it doesn’t mean you would know how to fix it if it broke….. I am not finished with my training yet, a good counsellor NEVER is.

We don’t always know what is going on on the inside, a reminder to be kind and understanding.  What may seem protective, controlling or even shying away may have a hidden meaning.

I wanted to share this, I do all I can to smile and ‘put a brave face on it’ but it doesn’t always work, also I have a really annoying best friend who knows me TOOOOOOOO well and he won’t always let me hide away.

Fun with Fizz

Today we (me & Fizz) found ourselves faced with a very different challenge.

Our local coop currently has one of its outer shutters down, so we have a slightly odd turn at the top of the steps by the door.  The door is set at a 45* degree angle to the corner of the building, meaning that when both shutters are down, the building looks square, yet with them both open, you can access from either side through the same entrance. (With one down, we have to walk around to the other, which isn’t at all an issue of difficult to do)

So, we did the turn & Fizz stopped dead and sat down.  This is a very odd thing for her to do.

She doesn’t just sit down like this if there is an obstacle, if there were an obstacle she would remain standing and then guide me around.  If she couldn’t guide me around it, she would turn me around to indicate the way was blocked.

Today she just sat, nothing would move her!

I focused in on a bull dog type dog sat by the railings a little way up, it’s tail was wagging and it wasn’t barking.

This is normally all the invitation Fizz would need to rush me over to say hello; yet she still sat.  So it wasn’t the dog!
Maybe it was a bike laid on the ground, I scanned but saw nothing….

A man came out the shop but before I could ask him, he rushed past and away.

Curious !!
Then out came a lady with a trolley and my mystery was solved

sorry dear, my cat has come out for a walk with me and my dog, he is sitting between you and the door.

So I scanned, I was able to work out another animal, about the same size as the bull dog and also similar colouring.

It was a cat!

It was a very HUGE cat, and he was happily sitting licking his paw with his tail wagging, just like the dog !!
Knowing now the situation I asked Fizz to walk on; nothing!

She did move eventually, but only then cower behind me until the cat had walked past !!

My clever.  Highly trained.  Intelligent. Problem solving guide dog is officially a WIMP.

Positivity breeds Positivity

 


I wanted to take a moment to share some of the comments I have received  from my posts over the weekend.

Many of them I have read and re-read, it isn’t easy to accept a compliment…. I want to thank you all for your words, for sharing my blog and for believing in me.  I held off telling you all about the competition as my anxiety and fear was screaming at me.  I almost pulled out; but someone wouldn’t let me!  Even with what amounted to over 20 hours of driving in 3 days …

Maybe I should

imageimage image image image image Comments from Facebook


So….. Today, this happened !!

Me & Fizz outside EICA

It’s almost 11.00 o’clock, 12 hours after this crazy day started. The climbing arena was nothing like I had ever seen before and no matter how much I had researched and looked at photo after photo I was not prepared for the quarry that I had just stepped in to.

Not only was the area large but it sounded very busy. Descending the staircase in to the climbing area seemed to reduce the noise and although there were hundreds of children around for a competition of their own I suddenly felt like I was the only one there.

Having never competed before, I was blind to what was about to happen. (More so than usual)

image

Registration was completed and score cards handed out and it was at that point, more than yesterday, the realisation of what was about to happen hit home.

Fizz seemed to sense all this and although I hadn’t moved, she gently nuzzled her nose against my leg as if to say “You’ve got this mum.”

The three climb routes for my category were explained and it was time to get started. The judges were also the ones who belayed on each of the routes; which was where I lost my climbing partner. As he donned a yellow ‘Climb Scotland’ tabbard and became a belay/judge on what would be my second climb.

I won’t bore you with a blow by blow account but to give you an idea, at each climb I had one attempt to get as high as possible. Maximum points were awarded if you topped out (go to the top of the climb) and worked backwards from there.

First climb was pretty straight forward and short. The second climb started in a pitched crag which in itself is the sort of climb that I would avoid doing and that is before you add in; that these are walls I have never seen, never felt and most certainly have never climbed.

My one fear in the competition, was that I would be disqualified for touching the wrong colour hold on a climb, but each of the climbs that I tackled today were set in such a way that the colour I had to climb was the only one I could.

I faced my fear and got myself out of the crag and without even realising it, managed to get my body length above it; it wasn’t the top but it felt ten times better to me.

The third climb just seemed to be a non starter, there were hand holds that I could reach from the ground but no where to put my feet so relying on the wall that was at a 90 degree angle to the one I was climbing, I managed to get my feet to where my hands had started.

This was pipped as the hardest of the three climbs and again was a personal achievement for me, I managed to climb about a third of the wall. This may not sound much but when the wall tops out at around twenty five meters, I think you will agree that’s pretty good.

View of me on a grey wall with green holds, using my left foot to balance on the wall beside me

At this point I was tired and sore and a little bit battered from my climbs. But it wasn’t time to go home, it was time to tackle three bouldering problems.

Those who know me will tell you the struggles that bouldering brings. Usually there is no rope for this type of climb and just a squigy mat to break your fall. Being under competition rules, even the bouldering was top roped which helped me to feel safer on the wall and able to move without restriction; because if I went for a hold and missed, I wouldn’t hit the mat. I was safe on my rope and so was able to push a little further.

Saying that, I am not too proud to admit that the bouldering was the most challenging part for me. One of the problems wrapped around a knife edge style three dimensional surface and all I was able to see was the tip of the wall in front of me.

My final bouldering problem was hell. Just like my final climb, there were no holds for my feet, just features on the wall and the route I was to follow was set no more than one meter from the ground, it was set in such a way that I was to traverse (move across the wall sideways) until a point that the holds went beneath and overhang and had I got this far, I would have found myself upside down with my back parallel to the floor.

I was done, in more ways than one;

My fingers hurt….

My palm were blistered…..

And I had been so tense that standing up straight made my leg shake.

My scorecard went in and it was time to wait…..

The younger climbers I had mentioned earlier were competing in a speed climb, with two climbers on the same wall. The aim was to get to the top not just first but also in the quickest time. With everyone else having stopped, or cooling down, the speed climbers had everyone’s attention. It sounded amazing and the cheers and applause rang around the arena.

It was now time to announce the winners. Within paraclimbing there are seven categories, my category is listed as PC4. The male PC4 winners were announced first and up each of them went to be awarded first, second and third.

The PC4 female category was announced and it felt like a thick fog had filled the room.  The hosts words seemed to come out in slow motion as he announced “first place goes to Theresa Osborne-Bell…” I didn’t hear anything after this yet found myself stepping up on the podium along with my faithful friend Fizz and being presented with a certificate, a glass trophy and some climb Scotland goodies.

There was a mixture of applause and awwws echoing in my ears while me and Fizz stood for our photograph. Walking back to my seat I heard words of congratulations and well done from the people I walked past.

I am standing on top of a tall gold podium with Fizz sat in front of me, I am the only person on the podium, the other two, silver and bronze are empty to allow me to have my photo taken.          A close up photo of me holding my certificate

So what next?

I am now set to compete again to gain a ranking to climb as part of the 2017 Paraclimbing Team GB.

So watch this space….

Maybe I Should have said something before…..

Well, this is something new…….

I am sat in the passenger seat of my friends car doing 70+ MPH on the M6 Motorway travelling on my way to Edinburgh; while typing this blog.  My iPad is tethered to my phone for 4G and my voiceover is bluetoothed through the car stereo.  So I need to be careful with what I type, as my driver can hear EVERY word.

So, why am I travelling to Edinburgh?

After an already long car journey I am beginning to ask myself the very same question.

We are making this journey because through the powers of networking on Facebook, I was put in touch with a climber who has a visual impairment, like me. It just so happens that this climber is a member on the Paraclimbing team for Great Britain….

Can you see where I am going with this?

THIS IS MY NEXT CHALLENGE!

 

I am not just meeting with him for coffee, I am actually travelling all this way to take a chance; to take my opportunity to maybe, just maybe, be something much bigger than me.  Something that will show my children that my disability hasn’t stopped me from going after a dream.  That actually for the past two and a half years my climbing skills may actually get me somewhere.

If you haven’t guessed already, I shall explain.

I am travelling to Edinburgh, because tomorrow at 11am I shall be entering into the 2017 Paraclimbing team competition within the sensory loss category.  Which is taking place at The Edinburgh International Climbing Arena….

Hence the 440 odd mile drive!

And actually, as I type this, the realisation of what I am doing Has FINALLY dawned on me.

” Tomorrow I will be competing to join the GB Paraclimbing Team!”

TOMORROW, I WILL BE COMPETING TO JOIN THE TEAM GB PARACLIMBING TEAM!

WoW ….. Tomorrow, I WILL BE …..

Oh my DOG, I am actually doing this   ……

 

Should you ever go back?

What is it they say?

The past is just a memory and not a place to visit or change:

While traveling on this journey of sight loss I have stopped myself from ‘going back’ to many places, places I loved before my sight deteriorated, places like Nottingham; that I called home for three years, where I studied for my degree and more memorably; where I first encountered a real life police horse (but that is another story!)

I haven’t gone back, even though as I was leaving university the city was in the final stages of having its tram installed, so even without sight loss I know that it would look very different from the way it looked 13 Years ago, but with my sight changing so much in that time, I am scared.

Some would say I am very ‘lucky’ and ‘fortunate’ that my sight has reduced gradually and in such a way that I find myself adjusting to it on a daily basis and as such I haven’t  ‘noticed’ it so much.

I’m not sure I would call it luck or fortune …..

Especially when I go back, back to places of my past.  This is when I am able to see the differences, especially in those place where I can no longer ACTUALLY see.

Yesterday I caught myself in just such a moment.  Not in a physical place, but rather while watching an old movie.

Not an old movie as in black and white, or set in the Wild West, a movie that is now 18 years old, (even idiot realise it was not THAT OLD!) a movie that; as a book loving romantic I could recite pretty much word for word.  And more importantly (for me at least) and to help you understand its significance a film that was released Pre-Audio Descript !!

A film that until I thought about it, I probably hadn’t seen in the last 10 years, the very same ten years that I noticed my sight getting worse.

It isn’t one of The Great films of all time, no it is a silly, soppy, romantic comedy with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

A film that’s opening soundtrack is a computer connecting to a wired Internet connection !

yup, you may have guessed, The film was You’ve Got Mail.

The movie that found me crying my heart out, the movie that got me realising that even holding my iPad up to within an inch of my face, I could no longer make out the little details.

The little details like the lettering on the shop front, or the newspaper headlines or more importantly in the final scene, when they kiss, it just a jumbled mess of colours, no facial details, no contrast between them and the background in the scene.

And all those things about that I have described above are totally irrational, ridiculous ‘third-world’ issues and hold no bearing on my life today

It is JUST an old film.

It is JUST a silly teenagers memories of ideals.

And yet, it is JUST a smack in the face moment of recognition that I have actually lost so much.

 

 

Sightloss, Technology and Me


Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple believed that technology should be accessible to all.  So, when designing the Apple Mac, MacBook Pro, iPad and even iPhone he included accessibility; features that allowed those with impairments to work and use his products (with a little tweak) the same as everyone else.

For me, it is the ability to magnify and navigate both my phone and iPad with voice over.  A feature that literally single handedley save my sanity on a city break (Manchester madness) back in late 2014.

And has helped to keep me sane pretty much each and every day since.  I believe that I was most definitely born in the right age, the technological age that is!

I have always been a ‘mac’ !! Since studying at university, when Apple Macintosh’s were for all things design and PCs were for all things administrative.

I was also very fortunate to be bought an iPad many years ago (now) but before that, way back when they were originally released, it took me a long time to even consider an iPhone…. It had no key pad, it had no buttons, and it most certainly did not have a little raised dot on the number 5 for me to be able to work out where my fingers where…..

It was only when Nokia removed their navigator phone from the market, that I joined the world of iPhone.

And since then, the world has developed further, there is now the Apple Watch, sadly a product that is out of my price range, but has been used and trailed for the support that it offers for people with sight loss.  A friend, Molly Jane Watt has found it a great advance in technology, especially for her as she has additional sensory loss as a person with usher syndrome, a condition often also known as deafblind. Where in her instance she was born with significant hearing loss and then found her sight deteriorating.  Apple Watch and Molly is where you can read her personal blog, (this is set to open in a new window, so you won’t loose me!)  I wouldn’t have even known where to look to discover some of the fabulous and FULLY ACCESSIBLE features that can come in such a discrete, yet powerful ‘watch’ .

i wouldn’t have had the courage or ability to make it on my own in a city I didn’t know; I Wouldn’t have contemplated making London my ‘city of choice’ when South West Trains have discounted fares were it not for google maps and quirky little apps like Staion Master, developed with parents, those with disabilities and additional needs in mind.  Offering detailed information about each tube station, some quirky facts and even a 3D map with step count and floor plans to make it easier for me to navigate myself and familiarise myself with the stations before even going on them.

Yes, google maps and such apps are available on Android phones, but is this simple triple tap of the home button available to make my phone accessible for me?  A feature that can be set up for anyone of the accessibility features, be that sight loss, hearing loss, conflictive loss or even setting up assisted touch.

Me and my iPhone are inseparable now, but not because of emails or Facebook or even now Pokémon Go (which I have absolutely no understanding of) but for making and receiving calls, for typing and listening to text message and most importantly for giving me clear, instructions on my location, my ways to get from where I am to where I want to go and even recalculating such a route, should I miss a turning or get myself confused.

 

 

Jumping without a parachute …

Who needs a comfort zone anyway?  Last weekend I not only stepped out of mine, I jumped out of it without my parachute !!

Not even those closest to me may have even realised the inner turmoil I was battling with …… Fizz knew, she kept me calm, she kept me from falling apart and she kept me safe every time I needed her to put on her harness and be my eyes.

Any event/conference/summer spectacular is daunting for many!

A room with 2,000 other people is also terrifying in itself!

Then add to the mix you can only see shapes and colours; the lighting is set up as corporate and moves with the music; the music that is loud, pumped out around the room to ‘raise the roof’ to ‘motivate’ and to ‘excite’ EVERYONE in the room.

Having recently decided to stop ‘messing around with diets and fads’ and actual take control of my eating, my inner nutrients and my health, I looked to my cousin for support.  She introduced me to Herbalife, a safe, clean, nutrition fuelled way of eating, not a ‘diet product’ rather a way to live, a way to improve myself from the inside out, while being able to support me through training, rock climbing, bringing up my children and running around with each of my volunteer roles.

… Fast forward a few months and here I was, sat in Manchester, watching, learning and feeling empowered by The Herbalife Summer Spectacular.

The chosen venue was literally a large box!  A MASSIVE exhibition space that was broken up and segmented by heavy curtains, false walls and carpeting.

Having previously been to Manchester a few years ago, this didn’t concern me.  With the new Google Street View App on my phone I was able to walk around the outside of EventCity, I was able to find Starbucks, plan how to get from the hotel in MediaCity, again having visited the area before, I felt OK here.

I had a room-mate for the weekend, she absolutely adored Fizz and was wonderful, even volunteering to take her out for walks having never met either of us before.

…. Back to the venue…. I was invited to sit at the front of the room, an area reserved for those prestige members, an adjustment made just for me if it would help me see the event clearer.  Sadly no where I sat would have done that, so I stayed sat with my cousin and her friends.  Fizz was fabulous, she was so calm and took all the noises and light changes in her stride, not letting it bother her at all.

In the evening, we returned to EventCity for a dinner and awards ceremony.  I though I would be OK, I though that I now knew the venue and would be OK.  I had realised in the 2 hours that we had left the venue for, that the room had changed, the big round tables were still in place, but upon our return they were dressed in white linen cloths, fully dressed with red, white and blue balloons.  The large screens were in place also, but now decorated with the same colours, there was now also a checkered dance floor and the lighting was much dimmer.

Dressed to match the colours, as advised on the invitation I found a seat with my roomy and sat down to enjoy the show.  I had preordered drinks, that she kindly collected from the bar, we had a fabulous time, laughing, chatting and watching the awards ceremony; that saw my cousins husband won first prize of £10,000 !!!

The food was interesting and incredibly difficult….. Apparently it looked very pretty, but served on white plates with dim lights and light coloured food, it was a bit of a struggle for a VIP like me !

I survived though, my anxiety didn’t get the better of me, I had a pretty good time and I am now going to be giving away my inner turmoils of the weekend to those who were with me and will hopefully be reading this.


 

 

Clumsy blonde or should that be blindie?

Those of you who have followed me will know that I am A Mac!

This came about long before the iPhone, long before even the iPod.  This came from the days (way back when) a Mac was used for all things design and a PC was used for all things administrative.

Being that my Honours Degree is in Design Studies and a large part of that was graphic design, I got through university with a G4 (the most powerful Mac of its time)

The whole idea of an iPhone scared me, how could a visually impaired person use a phone without a keypad?   It was only once Nokia decided to remove Nuanse Talks from its new phones that I was forced towards the iPhone…… And I got on with it very easily, very easily indeed.

So, when my partner at the time had a bit of a payout, he bought me an iPad.  I loved it, it was fantastic and for the past few years with a wireless keyboard I have used this more than my MacBook Pro.

So, it wouldn’t surprise you that I took it into the garden to do some work.  Only to drop it!

It hit the patio with a thump and the screen broke….. I cried….. I screamed at myself….. And then I began to panic, thankfully everything on my iPad was backed up to iCloud, but how would I be able to buy a new one? How would I manage without it?

Then, thankfully, I remembered that it was one of the items I had specified on my home insurance.  So, a relitively painless phone call later, the call handler informed me that it was indeed covered on my insurance and for the price of my excess, I would receive a new iPad Air within 7-10 working days!

That was the longest 2 weeks of my life, although the newer versions of iPad do not have the same weight to them of the older versions….. So am trying to get so used to how light it feels !!

Since it arrived though, I have turned on the voiceover and apart from when the kids are using it for ‘bug club’ or ‘mathletics’ EVERYTHING I do on is accessible and audio based.

 

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