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The end of a (half) Era

  Today is one filled with mixed emotions, concerns and thoughts.  Today, 18th January 2015 is the last working day for my guide dog Vicky.  We have been working together as a qualified team since 18th November 2009, and it has been an amazing 5

So….. Today, this happened !!

Me & Fizz outside EICA

It’s almost 11.00 o’clock, 12 hours after this crazy day started. The climbing arena was nothing like I had ever seen before and no matter how much I had researched and looked at photo after photo I was not prepared for the quarry that I

Maybe I Should have said something before…..

Well, this is something new……. I am sat in the passenger seat of my friends car doing 70+ MPH on the M6 Motorway travelling on my way to Edinburgh; while typing this blog.  My iPad is tethered to my phone for 4G and my voiceover

I have a question for you

it is time for me to ask for you to help me. If I were to write a book, giving in sight into my life and how I have got myself in and out of many a situation. Would you read it? I am talking

Inquizative Cubs

Having a friend that is a cub leader I was invited by him to speak to his cub group about my sight, having a guide dog and help them to understand that people have differences in how they communicate and see the world. I have

Time to be a princess……

I am far too old to be believing in fairytales, although I do enjoy a nice chilled Sunday with the kids and Disney’s Tangled…. So, for a few moments I want to indulge in the fantasy of Flynn Rider and my own wonderful White Stead.

Ok, so the moment is over and here I am finding myself without a cast iron frying pan to beat off the baddies and most definitely no white stead to rescue me from these great heights.

But I am in a castle…. Of sorts.

And I am up high…. Kind of.

But this is most definitely not a Disney film, I am most certainly not Rapunzel and I do not have magical hair the glows when I sing.

Instead I have the third round of competing to become part of the Team GB Paraclimbing to take part in.  And a pretty amazing building in which to do it!

Exterior image of The Castle Climbing Centre, showing the 3 tall towers of this previous water pumping station, part of the original design that gave it its name as a castle

Yet again, the designer in me is amazed by the location of the climbing competition; which has been my calming and relaxation technique to save me any full blown panic attacks.

This building in particular has hit a cord, being bought over 20 years ago from The ‘buildings at risk’ register, the team have worked on following the buildings design and when money has allowed, additions and alterations have occurred.  While keeping many of the original features of the building in place.

Image shows climbing walls between and around original brick features of the water pumping station

I could continue….. But for now I will move on to the real reason you are hear, reading this;  How was the competition?

In a word “challenging”

More so than I expected, more so than I think I could have prepared for.

This competition felt different, it was a week day and the climbing centre was reasonable quiet, this leant itself to another issue…. That those competing had time and lack of obstructions to watch those on the routes.

The general rule of thumb when climbing is

Nobody bothers with anyone else, they are all concentrating on their own next move or climb.

Image showing climbing walls with competitors in the background around the bouldering problems

But now there was an audience, on each climb and boulder problem.  There were supporters and there were the critics.  Both could be quite terrifying.

This was my third climb out of three in the series, but as yet none of those I had competed against in my category had climbed against me.  This was no different in London!

Even with my sight I was beginning to recognise other competitors, some had been at all and some just two out of the three, a good report was beginning to build with those who had met before, for me many quizzed me over my lack of Fizz!  Having decided that travelling up and back to London in 1 day was too much for her; as her work would be minimal.

Blindness and sightloss can be a very lonely disability, yet I have always found that ANYONE at a climbing centre is welcoming, supportive and doesn’t question differences.  So when meeting with some of the other VI’s, both male and female, I found myself questioned by my own peers.  Not all, the man who gave me the courage to attempt this; Mr John Churcher and his lovely wife have been great to talk to; get information from and are very supportive.  But especially in London, I found it very difficult to ‘mix’ with others from the VI category, I didn’t feel like it was a “mixing with the enemy” issue, it felt like some of those  competing weren’t looking (pun intended) to be part of Team GB.  A concept that is completely alien to me.

Yes, I am competing for me, for my personal challenge; yet I am competing to join a team, to work with, not against others.

You have probably realised by now, my emotions and ‘feeling’ effect my thoughts and sometimes lead me to distraction; that is what happened in Manchester, (round 2) but it wasn’t going to happen here, not in London.

So, feelings aside, I climbed my arse off!  I beat my own personal score from Manchester, yet found myself standing again on the 3rd podium.

Image of me standing on the left of the image on 3rd place podium spot.

My pride took a beating when 2nd place went to a 12 year old; although not as bad a beating as I had thought when the points details came out.  The competitive side of me was over the moon to discover it was just 6 points between 2nd and 3rd.

Image of the podium, including the 2nd and 1st place winners of the VI female category

It was a harder climb, it was also only 10 days after Manchester.  So for now, I have seven weeks to prepare for the finale….. Newcastle just before Christmas !!!

Time to get some serious training in.

 

 

 

Round 2 Rollercoaster

It has taken me some time to write this, and as I type this I am travelling to London to compete in Round 3.

exterior image of The Mancester Climbing Centre, looking just like a church.

Manchester was a fantastic climbing environment, the inner designer in me was in love, the church looked very much like a church from the outside, and even though I had seen interior images on the inter web, I didn’t expect it to have as much if not more character on the inside.

How I was wrong…….

interior image of a large circular stained glass window at the far centre, with a row of ceiling lights, arched rectangular windows to the side and climbing walls wrapped around and in amongst the building.All of the ‘churchie bits’ that were on the outside, like the large stain glass window at the alter, the solid stone arch of the doorway, the monolithically door frames and doors, along with most of the stone.  It was all there.  They weren’t hidden behind fake walls with holds on, they were worked around; they were in some cases ‘peeping’ out from behind an area, allowing the light to filter through and stream mixes of colours on the walls and the climbers; just as I could imagine it had done on the congregation when it was used for its original purpose.

interior image of Manchester Climbing Centre, looking up to a large stain glassed window, above a brick archway, exposed brick and pillars are seen along with a light coloured climbing wall to the left, with different coloured holds and decorative features.

The building oozed character, charm and beauty.  While at the same time taking ownership of its role as a climbing centre.  The walls weren’t out of place, the chalk dusted floor that comes with every climbing arena was perfectly at home.  The bouldering walls, sat snugly in the rear of the church, that you were lead to by solid stone steps and solid banisters.  The design was deliberate, it worked with the buildings original design, instead of against it.

This climbing competition was going to be different, not because of the building, not because I had a clearer idea of what was needed of me, but because my climbing partner was also entering the competition (all be it a different category to me).

He was going to have his own climbs to concentrate on, his own issues to overcome and his own exhaustion to deal with.  To say it put me in state of anxiety, fear, panic, that I was ‘on my own’ would be an understatement.  I felt trapped between a rock and a hard place.  I want for him to compete and have his chance, but at the same time I wanted him to be focussed on helping me. (for which I felt and still feel guilty and selfish for)

Different competitiors in Edinburgh had been given different routes and problems to solve, which was fair.  After all, some of the competitions had physical disabilities, that would make a difference to the way in which they climbed a route.  So, it was with this in my mind that my fear and worry had grown.

Manchester was however, a very different centre.  There were different climbs for different competitors, but as luck would have it, my route problems were the same as my partners.  So we were both able to work with each other and with the use of his iphone 6s, I was able to watch him climb and offer support.

The climbs were misleading though; from the ground, the descriptions of the holds were large and simple, yet when up there, on the end of a rope with only one shot of making the moves needed, it turned out the holds weren’t simple.  Yes they were large, but held no grip for hands or fingers.  it was like trying to climb with only your feet, not something I was too successful with.

So, the building was beautiful, the experience was amazing, but the result…… Well, that is the bit I am not too happy with, the sort version is I came 3rd.  A result that I have not been happy with, a result that I have played over and over and over in my mind.
A photograph of the winners in the female VI category, I am stood on the 3rd block, which is not clear as Fizz my guide dog is stood directly in front of me.

I am not going to make excuses, I wasn’t happy with my performance and it showed.  My only saving grace in my ranking for my climb was that there were 5 competitors, and the 1st and 2nd place in my category went to women who had previously climbed for Team GB.

I didn’t ‘see’ this at the time, I also didn’t ‘see’ that several of the VI climbers were actually aided by laser pointers.  A gadget I had never considered before.  But this got me thinking……

One of the male VI’s also has a hearing impairment, so he uses hearing aids and it is through these that he hears his guide talking to him with a small mike.  So the 2 climbers that made use of their remaining vision by following a laser light, were just receiving a ‘reasonable adjustment’ for the climb.  Not a cheat, not an unfair advantage, but a supporting role from a floor bound guide.

The one part of climbing competitions that I have found the most difficult is that you only get one shot on a top rope climb.  No second chance if you start off on the wrong foot.  So for me, someone who climbs through feeling and smearing the wall, picking the wrong hold half way up can be the difference between getting higher and coming off.  Most of the climbers, even those with limb amputations can plan the route and get an idea of what and how to climb from the ground.  As a VI climber, maybe it is time to start thinking and climbing differently.

On to round 3….. just 10 days later, although that is actually today.  Off to climb in a castle in London !!!

 

Ding Ding … Round Two

Sitting in the car, driving along in the dark with nothing but the blur of lights on the motorway.

And where am I off to?

Manchester!  Not for a coffee, not for an exhibition, but for round two of the BMC Paraclimbing 2017 qualifiers.

Having found myself in a quarry in Edinburgh just over a month ago, tomorrow I shall be finding myself inside a renovated church.  Otherwise known as The Manchester Climbing Centre.

Last month was a different kind of nerves, last month I never knew what to expect from the competition.  Now I know the expectations, I know just how hard I need to work on each of the problems.

And the small matter that in Edinburgh I walked away with a glass trophy and 1st Place in my category.

This has almost made me feel more apprehensive, I MUST do better, like I MUST beat my previous placing.  Although, I’m not sure how I beat 1st Place !!!

So, wish me luck and I shall update tomorrow …… If my hands allow me that is.

A very British problem ….


Is politeness.

Have just had a friend call me and apologise, it was lovely to speak with her, however I was a little confused.

She was all flustered and sounded upset, I initially thought she was phoning about her mum who was very sick and that it was bad news.

So it took a few moments…. Then again she apologised, so this time I asked her why.  Her answer;

Because I drove past you in my car going the opposite way and I waved to  you.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at this and said I hadn’t noticed her, so surely I should be the one apologising.  No, no; she continued.  She had spent the rest of her drive chastising herself for it, she wanted to call me the moment she got home to apologise for being so stupid.

By this point she was getting upset again and I struggled to calm her down.  I explained it wasn’t stupid and the gesture was lovely.  I explained that I wouldn’t have seen her, so apologised for not responding.

We both laughed about it and then she said the words, the words I have heard many many times before;

I just didn’t think, because you don’t look blind.

To this I laughed and again, she apologised.  Not that there was any need to, app of my friends know that I do not want to be treated differently, that if I need their help I will ask, so why wouldn’t she have waved to me while in her car?  She would do exactly the same to her other friends.

We talked about how I wasn’t offended by her comment, that I knew she hadn’t meant it as a bad thing.

We had a good giggle about how she would walk past me in the street and wave without me even noticing her.

it is not that I am ignoring or snubbing her, but if she is t speaking I wouldn’t be able to tell who it is.  And having spoken with total strangers before be chase they have waved at someone behind me!!  It is a situation I can relate to.

Raw Emotions

I have tried to think of a witty title, something to grab your attention …. Words really are failing me on this post though, so just going with the simple choice.

I have been struggling for a while, I have been fortunate to be able to talk to close friends, able to ‘gauge’ the reaction.  There are a few more I wanted to tell, but time and my own worry has stopped me.

Keeping it simple …… Not babbling on.  So, do excuse me if this sounds unemotional.  I don’t know how else to say it.

I am loosing my hearing.

So, it is said, those 5 little words and it is out there…… I have known now for a little while, it isn’t easy and I am not writing this for sympathy.

I’m writing this because it is getting harder and harder to hide it.  Saying “Pardon” sometimes three or four times, not being able to hold a conversation easily as a passenger in friends’ cars.

Its confusing, I can still pick up a conversation across the room, yet not hear the person beside me.  And the prognosis …. It will only get worse.

I am still awaiting my hearing aid appointment from the nhs, it could take upto another THREE months for them to book me in, I have however spoken with my consultants and they are putting appointments in place for me to confirm exactly the kind of deafness I have.

All early indications push towards it being a form of Ushers Sydrome, a condition that is part of the RP spectrum; Retinitis Pigmentosa Is the family that my eye conditions stems from.  And hearing loss or ‘Deafblind’ is another strand.

Those with ushers are either born with hearing loss or sight loss and the other sensory loss occurs later.

As someone who was only categorised as ‘severely sight impaired’ 8 years ago, having been born with the condition …. I am feeling quite numb about it all at the moment.

Those close to me have noticed something is up, but I haven’t been able to tell them all in person, either because of Busy diaries or because I haven’t been able to find the words.

(which anyone who knows me, knows I am not often stuck for words!)

Just like my sight loss, I am not going to let my hearing loss take away my sense of humour or change the friend I am, it’s just not an easy time right now and it’s all a bit of a struggle.

Thank you for taking the time to read, I appreciates it.

xx

Touch, but don’t Look

Read more

Are chains REALLY a bad thing ?

Read more

The lengths I go to for a swim…

Last weeks climb is nothing in comparison to today’s challenge.

Today though was a very different type of challenge, this one was more of an anxiety, need for preparation and gaining some control over a situation.

I explain my WHY in What does ……  Today was one of those days; the kind of day where something out of my control was happening, something I couldn’t hide away from and something I didn’t want to hide from.

Because if I did, I would be disappointing and letting my son down.

So, time for a plan…..

My son was invited to a swim party!  A party where I was required to be in the water with him, something we had done before…. But never like this!

This was different, it was in a pool I had never been to, it was in a party environment, so I didn’t know if there would be lights, music or inflatables.  Oh and it was with many of the mums and dads from the school playground!

I set to work, I had a plan…. I was not going to let my son down, I WAS NOT going to let his friend and her family down by bailing out (I have paid for numerous birthday parties and know just how much they cost)

The pool and leisure centre was one that I had actually used before….. All be it 19 Years ago, before it was fully refurbished and renovated though.

This was a positive though …. The wonders of the Internet and EVERYTHING being online I was able to find a floor plan of the new building, a ‘street view’ of the exterior and images from the centres website to put together enough information to make me feel like I knew where I was going.  A virtual walk through if you like.

Then came my next worry, when in the pool, would I be able to see my son? Short answer is obvious….. No!

I didn’t want to ask another parent to look after him, I wanted to enjoy the party with him, but without keeping him all to myself and stopping him playing with his friends.

So, with his help I got from the changing rooms (where my cane was locked away) and into the pool.  I headed for a space at the side as to not get in anyone’s way.

I initially heard him playing, but soon the noise increased and it was hard to make him out.

A casual  “Hey, is Lawremce playing nicely?”  Gave me a conversation starter to find out roughly where he was in the pool, so I could focus in.  It was then a friend and fellow school mum said that she was keeping a look out for him as she knew I would find it tricky.  And as he was playing with her son it wasn’t difficult !!

Lawrence is a confident paddler, the party was in the training pool and I wanted him to enjoy his time at the party, hence another WHY I had to be there…. Knowing that everyone in the pool was known by the party hosts enabled me to relax my fear of stranger danger.

At one point. He came over to me and asked if I wanted to play, we had a real laugh, he was guiding me, without guiding me (if that makes any sense)

The one hour swim part of the party was over too soon and not only had Lawrence had a fabulous time, I too had had the chance to relax and enjoy the party fun.

Please take a moment to answer in the comments below; a few little question for me…

1. Would you, previously have thought this was a bit obsessive?

2.  Would you fear the opinion of your peers if you asked for support?


 

What does depression look like?

Depression is a ‘hidden’ disability.  And yes it is a disability, anyone who has ever suffered with it, medicated or not will explain how on a ‘low’ day, even getting up to go to the loo is unbearable. Therefore, disabling….

So, if depression is a hidden disability; what does it look like?

it looks like this ……

Headshot of me, my hair is down, I am smiling and am chewing on the end of my glasses leg

Yup, it looks like me!

I don’t often put up the bits about me, but my depression is part of my sight loss, it is part of me and it isn’t something that can be fixed quickly with medication and ‘telling someone how you feel’.

As a trainee counsellor I more than most understand where my depression stems from and it isn’t just one thing, it is a lot of little things, some from my past, many of my present and also fears of my future.

Just because I know the WHY, doesn’t me I can fix it.  Depression is partly an imbalance of chemicals and to support me I take medication, but this isn’t the cure.

Just like knowing how your car works; it doesn’t mean you would know how to fix it if it broke….. I am not finished with my training yet, a good counsellor NEVER is.

We don’t always know what is going on on the inside, a reminder to be kind and understanding.  What may seem protective, controlling or even shying away may have a hidden meaning.

I wanted to share this, I do all I can to smile and ‘put a brave face on it’ but it doesn’t always work, also I have a really annoying best friend who knows me TOOOOOOOO well and he won’t always let me hide away.

Fun with Fizz

Today we (me & Fizz) found ourselves faced with a very different challenge.

Our local coop currently has one of its outer shutters down, so we have a slightly odd turn at the top of the steps by the door.  The door is set at a 45* degree angle to the corner of the building, meaning that when both shutters are down, the building looks square, yet with them both open, you can access from either side through the same entrance. (With one down, we have to walk around to the other, which isn’t at all an issue of difficult to do)

So, we did the turn & Fizz stopped dead and sat down.  This is a very odd thing for her to do.

She doesn’t just sit down like this if there is an obstacle, if there were an obstacle she would remain standing and then guide me around.  If she couldn’t guide me around it, she would turn me around to indicate the way was blocked.

Today she just sat, nothing would move her!

I focused in on a bull dog type dog sat by the railings a little way up, it’s tail was wagging and it wasn’t barking.

This is normally all the invitation Fizz would need to rush me over to say hello; yet she still sat.  So it wasn’t the dog!
Maybe it was a bike laid on the ground, I scanned but saw nothing….

A man came out the shop but before I could ask him, he rushed past and away.

Curious !!
Then out came a lady with a trolley and my mystery was solved

sorry dear, my cat has come out for a walk with me and my dog, he is sitting between you and the door.

So I scanned, I was able to work out another animal, about the same size as the bull dog and also similar colouring.

It was a cat!

It was a very HUGE cat, and he was happily sitting licking his paw with his tail wagging, just like the dog !!
Knowing now the situation I asked Fizz to walk on; nothing!

She did move eventually, but only then cower behind me until the cat had walked past !!

My clever.  Highly trained.  Intelligent. Problem solving guide dog is officially a WIMP.

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