It’s almost 11.00 o’clock, 12 hours after this crazy day started. The climbing arena was nothing like I had ever seen before and no matter how much I had researched and looked at photo after photo I was not prepared for the quarry that I
18
Jan 2015
The end of a (half) Era
Today is one filled with mixed emotions, concerns and thoughts. Today, 18th January 2015 is the last working day for my guide dog Vicky. We have been working together as a qualified team since 18th November 2009, and it has been an amazing 5
02
Sep 2016
Maybe I Should have said something before…..
Well, this is something new……. I am sat in the passenger seat of my friends car doing 70+ MPH on the M6 Motorway travelling on my way to Edinburgh; while typing this blog. My iPad is tethered to my phone for 4G and my voiceover
19
May 2017
I have a question for you
it is time for me to ask for you to help me. If I were to write a book, giving in sight into my life and how I have got myself in and out of many a situation. Would you read it? I am talking
16
Apr 2013
Rock Bottom
Having thrown myself into everything and anything, I began to freakish that my time was being overtaken by my need to help others, and the reason I was helping others was to stop me thinking about my problems and my issues that I was having with understanding and coming to terms with my own condition and sight loss.
The catalyst for this came when I began to find out that magnification on my computer was not enough to help me at work, it was time to move on to a screen reading piece of software. This is a wonderful technology, using hot keys you move around a document reading your way around each page instead of seeing it.
For me, this was just a nail in the coffin to confirm that I was different and couldn’t just get by like I always had in the past…….. Still now almost a year later after it was suggested to me, I can’t bring myself to do it.
I am a MAC user at home, you name it, I got it…. Mac Book Pro, Ipad, Ipod, Iphone…. Me and Siri have a love hate relationship at times and a my friends are now getting used to reading between the lines in my messages.
But for me, screen reading is a major hurdle and because of this, I have not been at work since October and my future in my role is now in question.
Its not the learning something new part that I struggle with, I have learnt brailleIts so much more than that….. its letting go of using my eyes so much.
Its Hard. It has led me into a world of depression and feelings of loneliness.
Writing about this is very painful, so bear with me please…..
Now however I feel that I have hit my rock bottom. So for now I’m learning to climb. And to not fear, but instead accept help when it is offered.
That is the hardest part, being strong, independent, yet allowing myself to ask for help and not seeing myself as a failure for doing so
12
Apr 2013
Burying my head in the sand.
As you have probably worked out by now, receiving the news that you have an eye condition that will only get worse and could result in you loosing all of it in time wasn’t the best news!
when I was first diagnosed I researched my condition and looked for the positives…. Or ‘perks’ as I know refer to them. As silly as it sounds, I had to find some good out of this bad situation.
I received lots of help from my consultant, social worker and good friends. This was when I discovered just how many VIPs there actually are in Fareham and support groups to help… So I started volunteering, first at an active group called FAAB and was soon followed by volunteering for a local club that ran under the umbrella of the Hampshire based charity Open Sight.
Disability issues and sight loss became my world for a few years, I threw myself into volunteering and in an odd way helping others with their sight issues shelled me. but I began to feel that I needed to spend more time on myself and my family. I do still volunteer and enjoy helping out, just a little less than I did.
When I stopped helping others, I realised just how much my own sight condition did actually upset me, and this was when I fell apart.
This was when I started to really understand my sight loss and me……. To put this post into perspective…… Despite my registration being in 2008, this has only just happened for me!
10
Apr 2013
Getting on my bike!
So with just under 29 weeks until I find myself running the great south run, which I am doing for 2 reasons…..
1) To raise money for guide dogs, who without their support and funding, I would not be have half the independence that I have today.
2) As a person achievement for me – I’m not going to break any speed records, but I am going to complete it by jogging/sprinting the entire course.
As a mum of 2, the reading on the scales has up radially gone up, something that I am determined to change. I don’t believe in fad diets, but healthy eating and that everything is good and allowed within moderation. To help with this I have joined my local Slimming World group for moral support. This hasn’t been without its own ups and downs, but it has also proved that a lot of the scales gain has come from loosing or thinking that I had lost my independence….. Life also gets in the way of exercise alot of the time, well the excuse that it does is actually what gets in the way!
With a guide dog I do try and walk as much as possible, I don’t have the luxury of jumping in the car to pop out for milk! But I really missed the bike rides and the swimming.
So guess what?
I do both !!!!! With the help of a friend I have gradually built up my confidence to swim, he has helped me strengthen my technique and we aim to go swimming together once a week, in addition to this I have signed up for a swim membership and often find myself at the pool, by myself at least once more each week.
Now that the weather is cheering up (although as I write this, it’s started to rain!) today the bike got dusted off and taken out….. With my daughter who is 7 we rode 4.2 miles to a nice pub for lunch, before taking the slightly longer route of 4.8 miles home again.
Some of you may be reading this with a sense of fear, for not only my safety, but that of my daughters…. Please trust me when I say that I would not do this without feeling safe. I am a firm believer that pavements are for both cycles as well as pedestrians (showing respect for each others space) I am also very lucky to live within fareham and its neighbouring town of Gosport, that both have a wonderful network of cycle track and designated cycle lanes on the roads.
With my central vision and concentration I am able to cycle very comfortably within these perimeters and pay full attention to my daughter.
Today we did also had a bit of help from a friend as my daughter had not previously had a lot of confidence with her riding.
But once she started there was no stopping her, I think she definitely carries my determined gene.
31
Mar 2013
Training for the great south run-30 weeks to go
The blog title is right, in just 30 weeks I will be running in the great south run to raise money for guide dogs.
Before you ask, no I am not an avid runner and yes this blog is rewritten by a VIP.
So, how does a VIP train or even run you ask…..
Answer….. With a very trusted buddy and a bungie rope or tie of some sort!
In the coming weeks I will keep you updated on my training….. And exactly how this VIP is going to learn to run.
29
Mar 2013
Monkeying Around is the Bizness
Having 2 children who are always on the go makes life very interesting and active. Being a VIP adds extra challenges to day-to-day life, but I have always tried to not allow this to impact too heavily on my little ones and allowed them the same freedom and adventures as others their age.
The fact that for now the 4 year age gap doesn’t stop them playing together is a great help!
i am a great believer that children shouldn’t just sit infront of the tv, but play out in the garden, run and get messy in the rain. That’s why I bought a good washing machine.
In the wetter winter, spring and occasional summer days the great outdoors is nice and grey and makes it an enjoyable place to be with the children. But in the summer months or when there is snow I struggle.
This is when I utilise the annual passes that the kids have for Monkey Bizness, an indoor play centre with large climbing frames, soft play, slides. Where pretty much everything is covered in foam and is brightly coloured.
This to me is heaven!
i can run around with the kids, having knocked myself out or bumped myself a few times, but not having to worry about the sun getting in the way of seeing them.
They are within a secure area, which they need a member of staff to let them out of, they aren’t being burned or damaged by the sun’s rays and I know that even I can play with them too, if the mood takes me.
It is a place where the children are dressed in bright colours, to try and help, but this doesn’t always work. We do however have a base point that the children know they can come back to me, if they are upset or in need of a drink.
As seen above, I also love joining in the fun, and monkeying around with them too.
22
Mar 2013
Looking through rains drops
The reason behind this blog was to give you the reader an idea of how I see things, both with my eyes and with my thoughts and opinions. So I thought it would be a good idea to show you some images that I found on the web that best describe my sight.
A friend many years ago likened it to looking through raindrops.
Please comment below and let me know that you think x
19
Mar 2013
Wicked sense of humour
They say that many people hide sadness and pain behind a nervous laugh. I don’t, I find using sarcasm and humour as a great way to detract from me feeling any different….. Although I’m not to sure others would agree!
My sense of humour can be very dry and my tone very dead-pan at times that even good friends can miss it. It is just another part of me, but since loosing more sight it has stepped up a level.
I never use it to be deliberately mean, but it is often a defence, a wall I put up to stop those who in fact mean nothing to me from hurting me.
an example of this is when people bend down to my GD to give her directions, I apologise to them and explain that she doesn’t English, only Portuguese! Then they look at me as if I’m the silly one.
i remember going to a meeting once standing with a group of delegates, having already introduced them to Vicky to be asked if I had had the same trouble as them in finding a parking space! I explain that Vicky is too young to take her test just yet.
They call it a blind humour, maybe it is, I call it a good way of answering these types of questions.
I am always happy to chat with someone about my GD or sight if they treat me as a human. Like in the first example. And I make light of others silly comments, that are made out of our need for polite conversation. As in the second.
I am a firm believer that there are never silly questions, it is in fact the answers that are…… Hence my responses some times.
18
Mar 2013
Running my hands over a bronzed beauty
This post is not necessarily what you are expecting, I thought I would share a ‘perk of being a VIP’. When I found myself stood in Southampton art gallery, watching the curator unlock the glass case that surrounded Auguste Rodin’s crouching woman, a small bronzed sculpture. So along with other members in our group I was stood with a pair of white cotton gloves ready to do something special that very few get to experience.
I grew up being constantly told by my parents that “you look with your eyes, not your hands” and here I was about to dispel this theory.
Bronzed sculptures have always been something of great interest to me, but by their nature, I often miss most of the detail other than the outline shape. But here I was, about to run my gloved hands all over a cast of a sculpture that had been handled with such love and care when sculpted by the artist himself.
It felt amazing, that first touch, the coldness of the material. The feel of the finger marks beneath mine. The detail of the sculpture, you can feel the individual vertebrate in her back, the bones in her shoulders.
This was a wonderful experience that I can’t wait to repeat with other works of arts and artefacts and make the most of my new found ‘perk’.
08
Mar 2013
London – A Big Journey
It’s 4 am & the alarm is set for 6.20 am. But after a week of knowing about today, it has arrived. Today I travel to London, a part of the capital I have been to many times but never alone. Of course, I will have my trusty guide dog (GD) by my side, but no human support. In addition, today is a bigger step as it is the first time EVER that I will use the tube alone, the first time for me using a tube since my sight deteriorated & remembering back I was about 12 the last time, so lots would probably have changed in 20 years!
The reason for this is an important eye appointment at Moorefields Eye Hospital on City Road. For which I got just 7 days notice. This in itself makes today scary, but I’ll talk about that a bit more later.
The reason this is such a big thing is because as I mentioned briefly before, I have a GD, I am registered blind with a deteriorating congenital condition from which I have some sight, but in general terms, it’s not good.
Yes, I did say I’m registered blind, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t see anything… A very common misconception, one I myself used to believe before all of this. My condition has long fancy names, but in layman’s terms, my distance vision means that I struggle to see the detail of someone’s face when they stand directly in front of me, and I have severe tunnel vision, like looking through the tubes on the inside of Christmas wrapping paper, I can’t even see the arms on my glasses anymore if I’m looking forward.
Yes, I wear glasses and what I have just described is the best-corrected vision I have when I wear them. Without them, anything more than 2 inches away is a blur. Again, another preconception of many is that glasses fully correct your vision, they don’t, and that is often the reason I get stopped with my GD as people think I’m training her, not using her as my work partner.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent, you’ll get used to me!
I have travelled to London several times since November 2011 on my own since making regular visits to the head office of RNIB (Royal National Institute for the Blind) having gone once with a colleague who showed me the stations to change at, we always went by train, never via the tube as she herself did not like the tube.
RNIB HO is situated several minutes walk from St. Pancras. Which is now home to the Eurostar, making it with its small train station at the far end, one of the busiest station in London. It is filled with designer stores, coffee shops and of course, hundreds of thousands of tourists and businessmen and women. So that in itself if no mean feat, and one thankfully, I have only ever had to tackle without my GD on one occasion. When we get there, she takes over, goes into her mummy mode and guides me safely through the crowns, the luggage, the hectic, noisy, smelly surroundings without a moments hesitation.
Today my journey consists of many of the same stations as this that journey, to help me keep some control and familiarity over what I am doing. We break our train journey early, having changed at Three-Bridges when we arrive at London Bridge… Another station with its own shopping centre attached, to go down from the train platform into the basement to join the Northern line Tube. The journey has been planned in a way that I need only use one tube, on one line and not need to change. From Tower Bridge, Old Street just a moments walk from the hospital is just 3 stops away.
Yes, I know that trains now all have audio and explain what stations they are stopping at, but on my other travel companion, my iPad is a list of all of the stations each of the trains and tubes I will be travelling on stop at and even the trains surrounding my chosen journey in case alterations need to be made.
I’m.a planner and an organiser, often taking this to extremes in trying to do this with other people and their lives, but it is how I can keep my control. A word and emotion that is incredibly important to me in this ever decreasing world.
HEADING HOME
we made it!
Although I am unable to fault the help and support that I received from the underground staff, I have to say that the information I had received about the stations I was travelling between was completely misleading and very unhelpful.
Walking up and down an escalator that was switched off as the GD is not cleared to use them was very exhausting on the way up… And even more scary on the way down, with over 215 steps in total in each direction, it was on a positive note a bloody good workout for my thighs!
London Bridge station is accessible, and one of the highest awarded for this in London, but if you need the lift, be prepared to walk. With the nature of the buildings and ages of them that house the tubes, accessibility is always an issue and one that I underhand. I am more than happy to have to do things differently and as said, I couldn’t fault the staff, they even walked with me out in the rain to get the lift, take me to the platform, sit me on a train and radio ahead to ensure that there was someone waiting at the other end to do the same. But the information available as to how the stations are accessible is limited to lifts and flat access onto the tube.
There is not a one size fits all solution to accessibly and disability issues, but information and the web is infinite, so this could be done.
As a blindie, I rely heavily on google maps and google earth to do a virtual walk around from the comfort of home… Could you do this for a train or tube station?
26
Feb 2013
Helpful advice delivered in the wrong way
Being unable to drive, I rely heavily on my feet and the aid of my GD. This means that once the kids are in bed and the other half is home I can go to the later and quieter swimming session at the local leisure centre.
It had been a really good session, and as I was walking home a little exhausted after my swimming, it was a clear night but a little cold, we’d almost reached home when I heard a van drive past me slowly, then the same van drive back past on the opposite side then I heard it behind me for the third time, and it stopped.
My pace quickened, but I was very aware that I was on a very quiet part of the road and it was 10.45 pm, Vicky felt my unease and quickened even further when there was a flash of lights and the sound of a siren behind me.
The van was, in fact, a police van containing 2 officers who had stopped me from making me aware of recent dog thefts in the area. I have the utmost respect for the police, but they got the brunt of my upset when they walked up to me.
I was shaking and still petrified when they reached me, I had never felt so scared. I was very aware of the recent attempts of dog thefts, so full pelt they felt my anger. They had, in fact, by trying to help put me in fear of danger. If they had not put on the siren, I don’t know what I would have done. It was a horrible feeling that haunted me for hours after. They did apologise for causing me distress, and I too apologised for my outburst, the reason they had, in fact, sounded the siren was because they had come to realise that they were causing me fear, but at a point where to just drive off would have been worse.
They offered to drive us home and told me to be aware of my surroundings and if I felt in fear to contact 101 immediately. I am grateful for their concern and information, but as I explained to them, the delivery was a little off.
Being on my own makes me very aware of my surroundings, and I’ve been known to grow anxious when passed by a jogger, but that is the female stranger danger aware in me, not the blindie.
