Today is one filled with mixed emotions, concerns and thoughts. Today, 18th January 2015 is the last working day for my guide dog Vicky. We have been working together as a qualified team since 18th November 2009, and it has been an amazing 5
Today is one filled with mixed emotions, concerns and thoughts. Today, 18th January 2015 is the last working day for my guide dog Vicky. We have been working together as a qualified team since 18th November 2009, and it has been an amazing 5
It’s almost 11.00 o’clock, 12 hours after this crazy day started. The climbing arena was nothing like I had ever seen before and no matter how much I had researched and looked at photo after photo I was not prepared for the quarry that I
Well, this is something new……. I am sat in the passenger seat of my friends car doing 70+ MPH on the M6 Motorway travelling on my way to Edinburgh; while typing this blog. My iPad is tethered to my phone for 4G and my voiceover
While with a group of friends today we were talking about faith. Discussing it and questioning what our understanding of it is. One comment made about one way to look at faith was If you’re sat on a chair, you hold faith that THAT chair
So, tomorrow is St George’s Day and at 2.40 this afternoon my daughters school sent out a text message to say that any Beavers, Rainbows, Brownies etc are free to wear their uniforms instead of school uniform… With full badges! This created 2 panics…. 1)
A question I am regularly asked is “What can you see?” It’s actually a tricky question to answer, because I can answer it medically (with percentages and terminology) or literally (I can see your face, but not the colour of your eyes!)
Facebook has been throwing around an image that may help.
My vision currently sits at just under 3 degrees (some call percent) central vision, with nystagmus (involuntary twitch) and a distance vision that is classed as ‘finger counting’ (I can’t even read the top letter of the eye chart, just fingers that the nurse holds up-as long as she does this against a contrasting background)
Complicated right?
The image that many friends have shared lately on Facebook is quite helpful:
This diagram details what an eye can see while looking forward and focussing in on a spot or image, without moving the eyes or head the majority of people will have a good range of ‘far peripheral’
where as I have just the central vision (just 5 degrees of overall sight) and thus stands at less that 3 degrees for me.
Despite common misconception this doesn’t mean that the rest of my vision is black or dark, it just isn’t there. Many RP (retinitis websites show photographs for a sighted person and for an RP sufferer.
They show the RP view of the same photograph with the outer area blacked out, many friends took these images literally I thought I saw a lot of black.
I can see the whole picture; only it takes concentration, scanning and an element of memory to get the same result. Or what I believe to he the same result as someone without my eye condition.
I can’t be the only guide dog owner this relates to? Surely there are more like me?
This is what they call a ‘3rd world problem’
when irs humid and it rains in the summer months, I can but only GET WET!
Yku see. When everyone around me is reaching for the umbrella, I have to make a decision; do I put on a coat with a hood (which even a lightweight jacket is too hot) or so I get wet?
When I was trained with both Vicky and Fizz, the importance of hand signals with a guide dog were just as important, if not more important that the words I spoke.
I can, just about get away with carrying a bag or pulling a suitcase when I am working my guide dog, nuts en this isn’t easy.
So, when it rains I don’t even carry a umbrella. Which in the summer mo the means making the decision between sweating in a plastic mac or getting wet.
Most of the time, I choose getting wet!
However, saying that, this summer is different. This summer I have hearing aids, this summer I have looked at other options, none have been feesable, so now on a day that is set to rain, I am dressed with a jacket, a thin top and the hope that I can dash between places instead of getting stuck in a rain shower.
Like I said, 3rd world problems ….
Watching the Para-athletics, makes me wonder:
Would I be a Climber if I could see?
It’s a simple question; but honestly not one I can answer.
Simply put, it doesn’t matter about ‘can I?’ ‘Would I?’ or even ‘Should I?’ Because I can’t see and I can climb.
My sight & hearing loss has made me who is here today, it’s not about what I can’t do.
it should ALWAYS about what I CAN DO.
Yes I like most have wishes and hopes of things I want to do; but as yet haven’t. I am also human and long for the day that I can see and I can watch my children playing on the other side of the park. But, I am a realist and know that there are some hopes and dreams I will never have come true.
But life is for living, something that I can’t do if I sit too long and dwell.
Today a friend asked me a simple question.
why did you say I looked beautiful when I know you can’t see me?
My reply
because true beauty isn’t seen, it’s felt.
It got me thinking though, I quite often tell my girlfriends they are beautiful, gorgeous and pretty; either in person or commenting on Facebook or instagram. Have they all thought I was ‘just saying it to be nice’ ?
Facebook and instegram afford me the ability to REALLY look at my friends. By zooming in or magnifying their photographs (which now also makes me sound like a stalker!) I can sit and looking at them, take my time to move around each photograph. (Which now really makes me sound like a crazed stalker! I’m not – but then that is the first thing a stalker WOULD say)
I am not lying when I say they are beautiful, I say they are beautiful because I don’t need to see them, I know them, I know how beautiful they are as a whole person. They are my friends for many different reasons, they all give away both verbal and non-verbal cues to their beauty.
So, it is a true compliment when I call you beautiful or gorgeous. It isn’t a lie, it isn’t an empty gesture or out of habit.
It is the truth.
it also means that my friends have loan of a ‘blind perk’ – they can turn up at my door with no make up on, with a massive boil on the end of their nose and because of what as a blind person I see……. I will still see them as beautiful and gorgeous.
So, next time I pay you a compliment. Accept it. For I do truly mean it.
Last year I was very lucky to be able to attend several gigs, and pretty gigs at that; with Adele, Muse, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and even Placebo. All of these took place in London, a capital known for its security and safety record.
Several weeks ago, a terrorist targeted a Manchester gig. Men, women and even children were caught up in this horrid act that resulted in 22 deaths and many many more suffering.
I am not here to talk about the attack, nor the group behind it, this is not a political post…… I am going to talk about the fear that this has left me with.
I am in fear of this happening at a gig I go to.
I am in fear of putting my friends in danger, because of the additional support they afford me.
I am in fear or letting this fear stop me.
Followng on from the Manchester attack, London saw a savage attack just last weekend. Where a van, usually placed on any street in the country was used to mount the curb and drive into Londoners who had been out enjoying a Saturday evening.
My next gig is in London in just a few weeks. It’s on a Saturday. It’s also at venue I have never been before. By the nature of a gig, one especially that is SOLD OUT. There will be an increase security presents to enable ease of movement for gig goers arriving and leaving, especially with additional support in the nearby tube and railway stations. I am also aware that many concrete barriers have been erected around London at key locations, such as The Bridges that cross The Thames to make it more difficult for a vehicle to be used as a terror weapon.
In wake of the terror attacks, plenty of advice has been given on RUN. HIDE. TELL. This is the bit I fear. What saved many people in both of these attacks was the ability for them to see the danger, see an escape route and to see those who needed help.
So, how do I cope in such a situation without the ability to see?
I can run, and especially if it were needed I would do this, but which way do I run? The fear in all of this isn’t for me. The fear in all of this is for my guiding girl Fizz and my friends.
I know that they would never leave me, but what if by helping me they are put into the way of danger?
What if me being with a guide dog appears as an easy target?
All these questions and fears are building up.
I don’t think I would ever have the answers, but in writing my blog I hope to ease my own fears and ease the fears of those around me.
Not even a trained firearms officer can say how they will cope or how they would deal with being involved in such an attack. As no amount of training can say how you would deal with human nature and the flight or flee reaction.
My friends will walk with me and support me in the same way that they have in the past. My vulnerability will also stand out to our police men and women and other security forces.
Some of my fellow friends with both hearing and visual impairments have said that they have felt additional support has been afforded to them especially in London since the weekend.
I am not going to make this blog about the terrorist that committed these crimes. Because after all the whole reasoning for many acts of terrorism is to divide and terrorise people. And iconically both Manchester and London have actually ‘come together’ supported each other and shown just how great they are as a whole at supporting those who need the support.
So, I have told you my fears, I have explained them, I am not able to completely dismiss them, but I am able to understand them. I am able to know that they will not stop me from going to London, or any other city for that matter.
I may just make sure more so than usual that my phone is charged and my additional battery pack is also charged.
As a parent myself, I thought hard about the names I gave my children, their father had his opinions. We went through baby books, baby names and even google to help us choose.
My parents, named me Theresa-Claire, as the second born I was afforded a middle name where my sister Samantha wasn’t. I was also afforded the same initials as my father; Trevor Clive. Was it hoped that I would be TC Jr?
I am not in a position to ask these questions. I am however able to tell you how, for as long as I can remember I was called many alternatives to my actual name.
These included ‘Top Cat’ – ‘TC’ – ‘Tessa’ – ‘Tuppence’ and for the majority of my adult life ‘Tee’
When I married I took my husbands surname, when we separated and then divorced to revert to my maiden name would have cost me the fee of a deed poll. So, with my new partner I chose to double barrel his surname on the end of mine.
Becoming Osborne-Bell.
I had never liked my married name, I never made any secret of this. Despite my daughter having my ex-husbands name, I couldn’t and didn’t want to keep it and as we were married when she was born, Osborne never formed part of her name as it has my sons.
Families have their differences, arguments and even irreversible consequences. But I am not prepared to denounce any of my ‘chosen’ name.
But I have found a new ‘nickname’ off the back of it.
Dropping Osborne-Bell to O-Bell. And altering Tee to Tink. And now I am my very own magical, mythical pixie Tink-O-Bell.
Known often just as Tink !
In this past year I have been improving myself, admittedly half-heartedly with the support of my coach and cousin Charlie. I have been working on creating the best version of me. Loosing weight, improving my nutrition and sports performance through the use of Herbalife Shakes, supplements and products.
And this is where my name is key; for my favourite example of Tinkerbell isn’t in PeterPan, it is in Moulin Rouge (played by the singer Kylie) where she is the little green absinthe fairy. Full of fun.
I am now looking to take my involvement with Herbalife further, I am now looking to use my own product result and increased energy with Herbalife to the next step.
….. That’s a whole other chapter that is only just beginning !!
But either way, it is with this involvement of the colour green that I am going to truly become my own version of Tink-O-Bell !!