Today is one filled with mixed emotions, concerns and thoughts. Today, 18th January 2015 is the last working day for my guide dog Vicky. We have been working together as a qualified team since 18th November 2009, and it has been an amazing 5
03
Sep 2016
So….. Today, this happened !!
It’s almost 11.00 o’clock, 12 hours after this crazy day started. The climbing arena was nothing like I had ever seen before and no matter how much I had researched and looked at photo after photo I was not prepared for the quarry that I
02
Sep 2016
Maybe I Should have said something before…..
Well, this is something new……. I am sat in the passenger seat of my friends car doing 70+ MPH on the M6 Motorway travelling on my way to Edinburgh; while typing this blog. My iPad is tethered to my phone for 4G and my voiceover
19
May 2017
I have a question for you
it is time for me to ask for you to help me. If I were to write a book, giving in sight into my life and how I have got myself in and out of many a situation. Would you read it? I am talking
04
Aug 2018
HOO18 – Where Fizz got invested as a Cub Scout
This past 5 days I have been wearing my scouting volunteer hat and been camping just outside Wareham with roughly 3,000 children and leaders for the Big Hampshire Event HOO18 which saw beavers, cubs, scouts and explorers from across the county come together to undertake a ‘Monster’ themed camp.
I volunteer within 1st Locks Heath Cubs and it was with my 1st Locks Heath Volunteer family that we had a ‘mini-camp’ within the bigger event. We had cubs & scouts for most of the week and the smaller Beavers came for a sleep over and a day of activities too. But we were contained within our own little area; it is this one little detail that enabled me to go, to join in, to support and to enjoy 5 days and 4 nights at such an amazing event.
With the glorious weather we have been having it was only reasonable that we should arrive in rain on Sunday! In fact, we had an impromptu stop at Nordon Mines because those leaders and support who had camped out on Saturday night had had to re-build part of our camp after strong winds brought some of it down.
Traveling with Fizz, I went in convoy with a fellow cub leader while the others were transported via minibuses. When we did arrive to camp it was then that I was to set about pitching my tent. (Something I have done a few times now as you can see in A whole other challenge ) only this time it was in the rain!
It was actually quite fun. And having only replaced a dog chewed guy rope the week before I was grateful I had left my groundsheet and inner attached to the outer shell.
With a little help from another cub leader in getting my poles in I was quickly set up. My tent having side doors was pitched on an angle (one to fit the space and two so the door faced the opposite tents where the children were sleeping) Our ‘mini’ camp was set up with a large marquee and kitchen tent, then children’s tents along one side, with leaders and support along the opposite, with each oth the top tents turned in slightly to create an almost enclosed horseshoe shape.
Each different group had an area like this to set up their own ‘mini’ camp within the camp although layouts varied.
As we had a large canvas marquee with just as large support ropes and guy ropes, an area around the marquee was fenced off with steaks and orange lattice style fencing. This actually served an alternative purpose, this area gave Fizz an enclosed grass space where she could do her business and I was safe in the knowledge that should i miss picking up if it were dark, no child or fellow adult were going to stand in anything. (As it was she was very clever and kept alll that to daylight hours!)
First item on the agenda for camp is introductions. We were each introduced to one another (children and adults) and then we went off to explore the bigger site, find our bearings and learn where the all important toilet and shower blocks were.
There was a designated disabled toilet and on our second walk out to if Fizz had it in her mind, knowing where the low tree branches were, where the tree stumps were and even where the boundaries of the camp beside us were.
She was doing so well. Camp sites are not the easiest to navigate at the best of times; let alone for a guide dog. A guide dog who is trained to walk on paths, to follow ‘shorelines’ or building lines and to work on clear commands.
I had the clear commands, but there were no buildings as such, I worked her to use the boundary of the camp beside us as a ‘shoreline’ but as for paths ….. It was a large grass field with some gravelled patches and wood chipped paths around the toilets, but very little ‘concrete’
Our ‘shorelines’ only failed when the camp beside us moved their boundaries. This added to the fact that Fizz quickly came to realise that the camp beside us was one with whom we knew the leaders, we had previously camped out in their hut. And she soon wanted to take me into their camp rather than around it !! Teamed with the wonderful food smells that came from their shelter kitchen, I couldn’t completely blame her!
Being such a big camp, the activities were set for us. There were different ‘zones’ with different activities laid out in each. These zones were clear and easy to navigate. The children within the section were sometimes put into teams, sometimes worked in pairs and on other occasions worked alone. The activities included things like Zip-wire, Go-Ape, Zorbing, Spiderweb-climbing, crazy golf, escape room, dragon boat racing, water slides and even a type of ‘its a knock out’ inflatable arena to name a few.
The only downside was that the activities were for the kids only! I would have loved to have joined in.
As the days went on we moved around different zones, which added a new challenge.
By Tuesday the temperature had risen dramatically, we had erected additional shelters on our camp to ensure everyone had plenty of shade.
This meant Fizz too.
Before heading away I had sought advice from Guide Dogs and with some handy tips and ideas I knew the time had come to leave her ‘benched’ in camp while I used my all-terrain cane to accompany the children and leaders to their activities.
This made the kids laugh, my all-terrain cane has a large red disk on the bottom of a heavier set cane. This makes it look a bit like a metal detector; but what it means for me is that it will glide effortlessly over rough paving and grass, indicating to me the divots and tree roots, but not getting caught on them.
Unlike Fizz, my cane can only tell me about the ground. It can not tell me about tree branches and it can’t correct for a group of oncoming children. So to say I caught a few of those low bracnvhes and bumped some (not many) of the on-coming children would be an understatement.
But this minor inconveniences to me meant that Fizz was safe, she was in shade, had a breeze, plenty of fresh water and no direct sun on her.
The kids within 1st Locks Heath quickly took to ‘looking out’ for me. My own Pack of cubs were aware of me, but for some of the other groups cubs, beavers, scouts and even some of the leaders I was new and I imagine at times I was also confusing to them. But without me asking they walked infront of me, they warned me of tree branches and they explained if there were any major tree roots or stumps coming up. This was a very pleasant surprise to me, it made me feel at ease and as regular readers will know, anxiety goes hand in hand with my sight and hearing loss.
On Wednesday 01.08.2018 at 14:00 as a group we celebrated the 111th anniversary that General Baden-Powell held his first camp for boy scouts on Brownsea Island. And in the evening at 18:00 we gathered together again as a group and this was when The Group Scout Leader invested Fizz into the Cub pack. Kieth the GSL took Fizz’s left paw in his left hand and read out the promise to her. He did this with agreement and permission from the County Commisioner and District Commisioner who both believe that this is the 1st ever Guide Dog to be invested into a pack.
As it was felt by all that Fizz was an important part of the team and should be recognised as such. She was even awarded her own necker, which I am to sew her badges from camp onto.
I managed to keep smiling during the investiture, but when it was over I found myself crying with pride and happiness at the way in which not only Fizz, but also how I had been accepted into the group.
Yes I have been an assistant leader within my Cub pack for just over a year, but I have always felt a little on the outside with regards to the other leaders because of my disabilities. (not intentionally, but just in how there have to be additional measures taken)
I saw a very different side to my fellow leaders and I felt that they respected me for being me and didn’t feel I was a burden to their camp, but rather a benefit. (Given the nature of my sight I am not able to count directly in the ratios for adults to children on camp-so they could have simply left me behind, but my knowledge of the kids, my perseption with the kids was felt to be important, so I was very much included)
The group I went away with made for a great experience. I have never camped for more than 2 nights together, but barring the odd guy rope incident I managed to survive the 5 nights and 4 days I was away.
Taking my tent back down in glorious summer sun meant I knew it was dry, but it took three times as long to do. For a tent on a hot day is no place to be; so I took it down in sections. Resting and rehydrating in between each set.
Other cubs and leaders offered to help me, but I am a creature of habit and like to do things in my own way (but that’s for another blog!)
For now I am feeling tired and I am suffering with eye strain, but at the same time I am feeling happy. I am finally feeling like part of a scouting family (which so many others talk of)
And I am a very proud guide dog mum.
18
Jul 2018
Comfort zones
Prolonged hot weather and guide dogs don’t mix. So where I have been using my cane for all ‘ESSENTIAL’ journeys and cancelling those I could, the length of this heatwave is getting rediculous now!
I can’t keep cancelling things, I can’t keep letting people down. I can’t keep letting myself down!
Then a very such event popped up in the diary. An event that no-one would have judged me for for not attending; but one I really wanted to go to and be part of. So with some extra planning I didn’t let myself cancel.
I even arranged a ‘puppy sitter’ for my faithful Fizz so she would have company and I could take my time….. Also as this event saw me travelling to London it wouldn’t have been fair on her just having the neighbour pop in every few hours.
Yup, you read that right…. I went to London; more so I went to London dogless!
The event was facilitating and supporting route setting for an informal para-comp being hosted by VauxWall Bouldering Centre and Paraclimbing London.
The wall wanted to run the competition to enable abled bodied, non-sensory-Impaired climbers to gain an understanding of how someone could climb with differing abilities. The competition was also set up so that those with impairments could try out bouldering or improve on what they were already doing.
Being a very hot day meant that London would feel EVEN HOTTER to an outsider like me. The event was also set to take place on the very same day that The Gay Pride Parade marched on London; and if that’s wasn’t enough, it was also the day that the England Football team got into the Quarter Finals of the World Cup for the first time in decades!
So, as the title suggests ….. Who needs a comfort zone anyway?
Maybe it was the heat beginning to take its toll. Maybe it was the chance to climb. Maybe it was simply the fact that I felt I needed to prove to MYSELF that I could do this….. Who knows.
Anyway, train ticket bought, journey planned and even altered so I didn’t have to tube through London with my cane. (Vauxhall is just one change at Clapham Junction-a station I have regularly used) and I even (virtually) walked the route from the station to Starbucks and then onto VauxWall via Google Streetview.
I planned to arrive early, sadly delays due to network rail engineering works and cancelled trains changed that for me. However it did mean that I arrived ON TIME!
The climbing was great fun, even though I sustained an injury to my left hip and right knee. Paraclimbing London and VauxWall had a brilliant turn out (despite the weather, pride and football) And I found myself only leaving 30 minutes before I had originally planned; in case there were similar issues on the way home.
It wasn’t easy to navigate major (or even minor) railway stations with my cane. It wasn’t easy navigating where the door to Starbucks was and it most certainly wasn’t easy to navigate finding a seat (or even assistance) on the train.
But I did do it.
Big tick to me.
Although I wouldn’t do it again out of choice!
Its good to challenge yourself some times, it’s good to know that barring the odd ‘rib-jab’ my cane akills are still pretty good.
15
Jul 2018
When my disability felt disabling
This weekend I had a real wobble; anxiety, panic, fear and upset all rolled into one. This weekend didn’t start off very well.
There are times when people say how inspirational or how positive I am, well this weekend I wasn’t any of these things. In fact I felt like I was being penalised because of my sight and hearing issues. And I just wanted to leave where I was, give up on my plans for the weekend and walk away from it all.
Thankfully I was surrounded by some great friends; who didn’t allow the negativity to get to me, who stepped up and even stepped in to support me and change things around….. And for this I have gratitude. Because what started out pretty shitty ended up being pretty AMAZING.
This weekend I attended a MAHOOSIVE Herbalife training event called ‘Summer Spectacular’ This training consisted of two days of training, stories and information from not only some of the best in the UK part of Herbalife, but also some of the best from America, France and South Africa. Men and woman within the business that were not within my immediate reach.
So my ticket for the event was bought, childcare sorted, transport and sleeping arrangements sorted. I had the support of my amazing team so I knew that both me and Fizz would be ok.
The training was at a venue I hadn’t been to before, but that was ok because an hour or so on google and I had found enough images of the venue to feel that I had a good enough virtual awareness of it to get through. There was even a Starbucks on site, what more could I ask for?
The venue; The International Conference Centre (ICC) in Birmingham was also only a short ten minute walk from the apartment we were staying in AND there were plenty of grass areas between the two for me to know that Fizz’s needs were catered for also.
Saturday morning came and while my team mates were taking part in a very large ‘Fitclub’ I was able to grab a coffee, get my bearings and feel prepared for the next few days.
We came to entering the training room and a member of staff quickly found me (having the only dog in the building will get you noticed!!)
My team mates explained (because it was too loud for me to hold a conversation) that I would need to be seated near the front with space for both me and Fizz, but not in a direct walk-way as this could put Fizz and others in danger (black dog in a dark venue is a real trip hazard)
So, the staff guided me down the steps of the auditorium and sat me at the front, but with space the side where Fizz would be able to lay out. Brilliant, a seat was allocated for my team mate too and I thought all was ok. That was until the music started. It was not that it was LOUD. It was the fact that it was coming from a large speaker right beside where Fizz was to be able to rest…. let’s just say, she would have probably been more likely to burst an ear drum than relax.
No trouble I thought my friend and companion Jenny got the attention of the staff, asked for us to be moved and off we went.
The next seating we were offered would see Fizz sat directly beside the auditorium steps (a major trip hazard) but as the seating within the venue was fixed in place the staff were a little perplexed.
Another member of staff was called upon and it was decided that a couple of chairs could be brought in from outside and placed by the door……
“Um sorry I am not sitting right beside the door, where people will be coming and going throughout the day, that’s hardly relaxing for Fizz or suitable for me.”
So the chairs were moved and we were seated beside the camera mans tripod. But that was ok; at this time the meeting was starting and I just wanted to sit down.
So me and Jenny moved the chairs across slightly giving Fizz the space to lay down. But by this point not only was I feeling anxious and upset, I was also feeling that because our seating was so different to everyone else that I was on show, a bit of a ‘look at our token blind guest’ and this was what ALMOST saw me walk out.
I messaged my teammate and cousin Charlie with a very frank, honest, choice set of words and we simply replied
”Stay put I will sort this”
Charlie is a rock. Jenny got me a drink and Fizz nudged at me as if to say ‘it’s ok mum’
Charlie sent me a message a few moments later that simply said “it’s sorted” so I sat, listened to the speakers and awaited the break.
At the break we stepped outside and were greeted by the events coordinator who moved me away from the crowds (these events have upwards of 2000 people attend) and explained that there was a larger room just opposite that had the lights up, had tables, plenty of space and a large screen that was streaming the main event directly into the room.
Well considering at similar events I can only just watch the stage via the screens and never actually see the people as they stand on the stage, this sounded like a good solution.
So into the room we went, table found, cool air con and really good lighting and I felt both me and Fizz relax. Jenny came with me and she instantly agreed that this was a great alternative and would make it easier for her too to write notes and move about. (The room was a large conference hall, with about two dozen large circular tables.
Fizz was aware that I was more relaxed and as such, she was more relaxed. And thankfully the rest of the day was much calmer.
The events staff came back to find us to discuss the evening dinner and party. It would be held in the very room we were sitting in, but dressed to celebrate. There were set to be food stations, where festival themed food would be available. The event team asked me to just come also for and try to see if I could cope.
Again they made arrangements for me, Fizz and the a guest of my choice to enter the room before it was opened up to everyone. To enable me to come in while the lights were up to navigate the room.
Fastforward to the evening ……
I entered the room early with Fizz and Jenny, we found a table to sit at and I was able to familiarise myself with the room layout. The food stations would be far to tempting and distracting for Fizz, so Jenny agreed to support me by collecting food for me.
Entering the room early may not sound like much; but actually it made all the differenxe to enabling me to enjoy the evening.
I felt relaxed; I felt much more relaxed than I have at any other party event I have attended with Herbalife.
I even got up and danced for a bit and found myself mingling through (with a Jenny’s help) to catch up with other friends and colleagues.
Sundays Training was so much simpler.
We went straight into the ‘break out room’ and we actually found a good few more people sat here. News of the air conditioning had spread through to the auditorium and even some of our own team joined us.
I don’t feel that I missed out by sitting in the other room. I did however gain so much. I would highly recommend that such ‘accessible’ seating was available ….. And as such and email has gone off to the company to ensure more support is available.
After all, o can’t be the only person within Herbalife that has a disability or anxieties about large numbers of people?
19
Jun 2018
Faith
While with a group of friends today we were talking about faith. Discussing it and questioning what our understanding of it is.
One comment made about one way to look at faith was
If you’re sat on a chair, you hold faith that THAT chair is fit for purpose and will keep you sat safely and not break.
This made me think, as someone who has far too many questions about ‘religious faiths’ to have one of my own I thought of it a different way.
What (or who) do I have faith in and trust?
And when put like this I have just one answer
My Guide Dog Fizz.
I have total faith in her (and Vicky before her)
Each day i put on her harness and trust her to guide me to my destination; be that getting the kids to school or wherever we may be going to.
I give her the directions and instruct her on where we are going, but I have faith in her that she will get me there safely, not walking into traffic or causing me to trip or fall on steps, curbs or other surfaces.
And with the exception of the odd over-hanging branch I know she has me.
My faith in her is I guess some would say, similar to that faith of a religion. I have trust that she will protect me, keep me safe.
I know HOW she is trained and WHY she is trained, but no-one can say for certain WHY she takes that training and guides me each day.
That to me is faith.
I have the faith that she will do as I ask of her each and every time I put her harness on.
I trust her.
I can’t see what she does each time we go out together; I simply feel how she moves through her harness and I can react accordingly following her lead.
That to me is faith.
I trust her.
I may have totally missed the point of the discussion; I have never sat on a chair and though ‘this isn’t fit for purpose’.
Just as I have faith that a chair will be safe to sit on; after all this is what it is designed for. I have faith in my guide dog, because she has been trained to guide me.
To me that is faith.
16
Jun 2018
Reflections
This November it will be 10 years since I was registered SSI (Severly Sight aimpaired aka BLIND) it was the appointment with my consultant that EVERY seemed to change, yet at the very same time NOTHING changed.
What I mean by that is that my eye sight didn’t actually change at THAT appointment. I simply became aware of just how bad it was.
Having had my Nystagmus (involuntary eye movements) and having worn pretty strong glasses for as long as I can remember my sight had never been great. But in terms of the distance I could see (I have always been short sighted) had changed very little.
Rightly or wrongly so; when I was in my early teens I had been discharged from the consultant at the hospital, where I was given into the care of my opticians. With the strength of my prescription And it was through this team that in July 2008 they used their new camera equipment to try getting a photo of my retina.
My optician wasn’t happy with what she saw, but she couldn’t explain it to me as she explained it could simply be that with my eye movement the photograph wasn’t actually true. So she referred me to the hospital for a thorough check up.
Having been rushed in as an emergency after the hospital were concerned I had detached my retina (a common issue that if caught early enough can be reversed) I discovered that this was not the case, the registrar discovered I had cataract in both eyes, I will always remember what she said;
With laser treatment we can remove them and that would actually improve your vision.
But as she was simply confirming I hadn’t detracted my retina, she didn’t actually comment on the fact that my retina wasn’t ‘complete’.
So, you can probably understand my total shock when I returned a few weeks later to see the consultant to be given the news of just how bad my sight was.
I did have cataracts (my left eye had been diagnosed when I was 12) But the laser surgery suggested wouldn’t be easy and would have very little affect at this time. And actually with my retina dying away my sight would actually only get worse.
Many people ask me
How did you not realise you were going blind?
Its simple, the changes in my peripheral were suggested to be something that had been happening steadily for many many years, and as I only likely lost a small amount at a time I didn’t actually realise.
I did notice ‘little’ things after my daughter was born in 2006, like how I was bumping into things, like low level tables or benches. But I put this down to ‘baby brain’
I had also noticed that it was taking me longer for my eyes to adjust to light changes; like walking indoors after being out in the bright sunshine, but because I had reaction lenses this went in-noticed as an actual change in my sight (as I assumed it was just the glasses)
So…… Reflections.
I have decided I want to celebrate this anniversary. I want to acknowledge that as me I have changed from the person I was before. It hasn’t always been happiness and celebrations, but I have tried to embrace my blindness (and now deafness)
It may sound like a cliche
But in these last ten years I have had so many amazing opportunities, so many doors open to me. I want to move forward with me and celebrating the good seems the best way to do this. I am human, I can’t be postmitive ALL THE TIME. But in this instance I want to look for the good, rather than dwell on the bad.
But the question is (and this I hand over to you my readers) ….
How should I celebrate???
25
May 2018
Speechless (it doesn’t happen often!)
I umm’d and argh’d About writing this post; then I thought
“This is part of me, I should share it.”
last week I received an email that has taken me completely by surprise. I have been nominated for an award.
But not just ANY award, this is for The National Diversity Award 2018 in the category of Positive Role Model.
I do not know who nominated me, but it has left me feeling slightly emotional and speechless.
Under the terms of the nomination it is for me to now write a Bio and supply supporting evidence as to why I feel I am deserving of this award.
Yes, I have no trouble talking or writing about myself; but in this way? I’m not so sure.
But I am of the thinking that if I don’t at least try, then I will be disappointing myself and the person who nominated me.
So I am slowly working through the forms I need to complete. And am sharing this nomination with you all, in the hope that you too agree with it and wish to vote for me?
All by Friday 1st June 2018.
You can cast your vote here National Diversity Awards 2018
22
May 2018
Days like today…….
I have a ‘Have Guide Dog, will travel’ attitude to life, today I decided in the sun to visit Winchester (alone) something I don’t think I will be in a hurry to repeat.
The rudeness, the sly comments & general ‘opinions’ that were continually thrust upon me resulted in a very short visit.
I am more than happy to accept and I do understand that not everyone likes dogs, be that an assistance dog or a pet.
I do understand that in some cultures dogs are not warmly accepted. But today the comments or actions of rudeness did not come from the here.
Today it came from,
A business woman looking down on her phone;
The art student with a VERY LARGE portfolio;
The man in the queue in Starbucks;
The woman behind me in boots who tutted at me when I asked the sales assistant to repeat herself for the 3rd time because I couldn’t hear her;
The van driver who got shirty when I waved him on because I wouldn’t cross in-front of him.
Were it not for the kindness of strangers I would have found myself fighting tears & heading for the nearest taxi.
it was thanks to ….
The window cleaner who moved his ladder so I would walk past;
Theassistant in Starbucks who offered me water for Fizz while pointing out to the rude man that assistance dog or not I had every right to enjoy coffee;
To the sales assistant in boots who guided me to a quieter area so I could hear what she was saying!
I know that I may stand in the wrong queue at times, I know that my guide dog likes to walk by the building line, which means we often walk right in front of the shop doors, I do understand that I take up more width on the pavement as I walk beside my guide, and she can’t tell me to “step in” the way a sighted person would if the path was narrow.
But at what point does vocalising your opinions change this? All it does is demoralises someone who just wants to get on. And could even stop a (less stubborn) person from going out and visiting other areas.
Today has been one of those days where I have felt isolated and hurt by the actions of others. But writing this now I am able to say that I won’t let it stop me, I share this with you now to raise awareness.
Because it can often be the ‘off-handed’ comment that you quickly forget making that can cause irreparable damage to someone. We never know what demons people are fighting; so just be kind.
It really is THAT simple.
