It’s almost 11.00 o’clock, 12 hours after this crazy day started. The climbing arena was nothing like I had ever seen before and no matter how much I had researched and looked at photo after photo I was not prepared for the quarry that I
18
Jan 2015
The end of a (half) Era
Today is one filled with mixed emotions, concerns and thoughts. Today, 18th January 2015 is the last working day for my guide dog Vicky. We have been working together as a qualified team since 18th November 2009, and it has been an amazing 5
02
Sep 2016
Maybe I Should have said something before…..
Well, this is something new……. I am sat in the passenger seat of my friends car doing 70+ MPH on the M6 Motorway travelling on my way to Edinburgh; while typing this blog. My iPad is tethered to my phone for 4G and my voiceover
19
May 2017
I have a question for you
it is time for me to ask for you to help me. If I were to write a book, giving in sight into my life and how I have got myself in and out of many a situation. Would you read it? I am talking
19
Feb 2017
Raw
There is no witty title for this one, no sarcasm and no humour; I am without.
This is one of those few blogs where I just open my heart up.
This weekend has been full of emotion. It was a weekend that had been planned to be fun, full of laughter and enjoyment with my daughter, my best friend and his son; thankfully they appeared to enjoy it, although maybe by the end of the time away my upset began to show.
It would appear; if only to me that by hearing less I am actually not able to see as much either!
My sight has not changed by any great degree, but when I find myself struggling to hear in a situation, I also find seeing more of a struggle too.
Maybe it is because I am not getting the sound clues that I rely so heavily on to fill in the gaps that I miss with my vision. Maybe it is totally in my head (as some have suggested)
All I know, is that which ever it is. It has completely thrown my idea of the world upside down and has left me feeling RAW and unable to cope.
I have cried, I have screamed and I have hidden it all from my daughter. She doesn’t understand, mostly because I am not sure that I even do.
How do you explain RAW to a child?
And if you do know, can you please explain it to me ?
02
Feb 2017
One moment can change it all.
Yesterday a chance meeting with someone suddenly enabled me to put together the mess of a jigsaw I have been living for many months.
A polite, kind and welcoming woman who was absolutley besotted by Fizz, asked me a question I have never been asked before, there was no malice in her words or ulterior motive for asking what she did, in the way she did; she asked me one very simple question.
How do you feel about having a disability?
I can imagine as I type these words that several of you will be taking an inhale of breathe through your gritted teeth!! Maybe even muttering “you can’t ask that!”
Honestly though ….. YOU CAN.
Why can’t you?
I grew up with the saying “there is no such thing as a silly question.” A phrase that I stand by even now as a parent, a friend and most of all as ME.
The answer to this question was out of my mouth and I could hear my own words as if I were listening to someone else say them.
My answer was simple;
I feel guilty.
I feel as a parent I am holding my children back,
I feel like I am a burden to my friends.
Rationally I know the answer to my own guilt is me, I have just never put it into words. And WOW didn’t those words hit me like a 500 tonne truck!
Not because my own words shocked me, not because they upset me, not I was cross with myself for saying it; rather because hearing the words made me realise my irrational and unfounded fears and how they held me hostage in my own thoughts.
I have no need to feel guilt; I did not cause my eye condition and hearing loss. My disability isn’t the result of anyone’s actions. It just is.
So, if I know rationally I have no need to feel guilt, doesn’t just stop me feeling it. Nor does it stop me thinking these thoughts. It just gives me the realisation that to move forward I need to understand it. Work through it, and most of all admit it.
After all, isn’t there a plagiarised quote on Facebook, Pinterest and Intagram that says:
LIFE IS 10% OF WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU AND 90% OF HOW YOU REACT TO IT
17
Jan 2017
How did people cope before Google?**
Or more to the point; how did people cope before assisted technology?
This weekend just gone, I attended a conference with colleagues, part of the presentation was a show, bright lights, loud music, all contained in a large conference centre, with about 1700 other people.
Enough to put anyone with anxiety off! So add to that my sight issues and ever changing hearing and I was in a total panic mode. I had my faithful Fizz with me and some fabulous friends, so knew I would be well liked after. But having been to a similar (yet different) event with the company in the summer, knowing more wasn’t helping to make me feel better.
This was a BIG event, there were lots of whispers about information that was going to be shared, I knew o had to be alert and listen, while also taking notes.
And this is where the assistive tech came into play……
Out of my bag came my iPad and headphones, just one placed inside my left ear and my voice over switched on and I was all set.
Since I was 6, I have been able to touch type, so could happily type as the various speaker talked, using the camera on my phone to photograph the PowerPoint slides I thought would be relevant …. Even though I couldn’t actually see them at the time!
I have said it before that “I am a Mac” but over the weekend it became so clear just how much of one I am.
I have many a ‘shortcut’ set up on both my phone (iPhone SE) and my IPad, so with certain finger taps or multiply finger movements I can easily move around.
The one that got a lot of whispers was the ‘screen curtain’. For those who don’t need it, I guess it is a feature you don’t know about.
The screen curtain does exactly as it suggests, it puts a black curtain over the screen, or an easier way to explain it; it turns the screen off, without turning off or stopping you using the iPad.
This feature works hand in hand with Voice over as I have no need to see what I am doing as I am able to hear it all. Also in a conference setting, where the lights are dimmed and others are sat behind writing notes, it saves the light from my screen being of a distraction or glare to them while allowing me to conserve battery.
It did cause no less than three people gently tapping me on the arm and explaining that my laptop seemed to be switched off. So, with a quick three finger triple-tap the screen curtain was turned off and they could see my document, which often then led to “wow” or “aren’t you clever?” But like I said above, it’s all just part of the tech and my ability to get the most out of such a conference as others.
Over the weekend I wrote pages and pages of notes, which I have since edited and corrected the odd predictive text issue and been able to recap on my learning.
The conference was much more tricky than I had anticipated, I didn’t realise just how much my hearing had changed from the previous 6 months. I didn’t anticipate the eye atrain, ear ache and headache that I would suffer after four hours. So much so, that in the evening instead of putting on my new posh frock, I got into my pj’s and curled up instead. Knowing that Sunday’s training was almost twice as long!
The team around me were concerned about my struggles from the previous day, so arranged for me, Fizz and a friend to sit in a better position, much closer to the screens, yet further away from the speaker, so the presentation was clearer, and not as loud.
I felt very emotional and suppressed my tears at this act of kindness, they did not need to do this, yet they did and it became clear when I returned to the conference just the extent hey had gone to. A member of staff met us at the door and walked us in moving us through the crowds and seating us, checking if Fizz needed any water or if I needed a drink or anything. This biggest part with them making these adjustments for me was that they allowed me to have a friend with me, my colleague who I was sharing a room with, who was more than happy to take Fizz out for a walk and a wee or get me anything I needed or showing me where the toilets were. This simple act allowed me to relax, to know that I was with someone I knew and trusted and that didn’t have to worry about a thing.
So at our next conference in February I shall be keeping a tally on how many comments and ‘gentle nudges’ I shall get about typing or pretending to type on a switched off iPad ….. Watch this space !!
The one thing that this weekend has shown me is how much I am loosing my control on my disability, how much it has changed and thankfully how much I am now surrounded by people that are happy to support me.
**DISCLAIMER: Other search engines are available
11
Jan 2017
On the buses …… audio failures
As a girl with a visual impairment, having tech on bus journeys or train journeys are key to my ability to be independent. If such an option isn’t available then I will set myself up to use another method of knowing my location and when or where I am to get off.
so imagine my surprise and upset when half way through a bus journey yesterday evening, I find that the audio has stopped?
I was travelling to an poorly lit area, I had Fizz with me and as I got on the bus I checked with the driver that audio was on. And as we set off, the audio read out the next stop, confirming what the driver had told me. All good, I could feel safe and secure that I could just sit enjoying the ride and await my stop to be read out.
There seemed to be a long pause in the audio. I checked with another passenger sat near me and he confirmed that the screen (as the audio on buses is teamed with a visual; just like on the train) was reading the next stop, but he hadn’t been paying attention and didn’t know where we were as he was getting off at the last stop, so didn’t need to know.
it was then moments later that the audio returned, only to read out a destination that was much further along the route, a good 45 minute walk back to where I needed to be if I had got off then!
so instead I travelled back to the bus station and started the journey again.
This time, when I got on the bus I asked the driver for my specific stop and asked him to ensure that he stopped there for me, he said the bus had audio, but understood my concern following my previous journey.
The audio on this bus was on, it also continued to detail each and every stop, so I was aware of where I was and when I was due to get off.
I put it down to a glitch and having safely arrived at my destination all be it an hour later, I forgot all about it.
That was until this evening. This time I was travelling with my son home after a shopping trip. Again, it was dark but I was more aware of my surroundings as it is a journey I have done thousands of times.
Again, the bus left the station and the audio announced the next stop. This continued until just before we were due to get off the bus, we were literally around the corner and the audio stopped. I could work out roughly were we were, and having stopped at several stops to let people in and off of the bus, there were no further announcements.
Thankfully a block of flats lit the way to enable me to work out that we were approaching our stop. But again, the audio had let me down.
Memtioning it to the driver as we got off the bus he simple said “I don’t pay any attention, I couldn’t tell you it had stopped.”
So, what is a gal to do?
I shall be sending this blog to the bus company, is it just really bad luck that I have encountered this issue? Is it a relay issue with the bus audio?
I know that my hearing is going, but to hear the audio and then to not hear the audio….., that isn’t me?
I feel that I am not able to trust the audio on my bus journeys anymore, and with the dark early evenings. This is making me feel that going out after dark isn’t an option. Or do I just walk?
Lots of questions. But I am totally stuck with whatever I do.
01
Jan 2017
The Cheesegrater is going to have to wait
All the climbing of 2016 has taught me so much more about myself as a climber, I am going to need to work on my technique dramatically if I am to turn my 1st place into a Team GB place.
This doesn’t mean that I am giving up on my fundraising, now more than ever I want to show my worth and EARN my Resound Hearing Aids, but with my climbing partner currently our of action, as the post title suggests ‘The Cheesegrater is going to have to wait’
Just days before Christmas, my climbing partner in crime underwent an operation for a hernia, one that has left him unable to train for a minimum of six weeks. So with him not even being able to go to the gym until mid-February, let alone climb. I have made the decision to postpone my climb.
Yes, I can climb with another partner.
No, I am not sharing my climb with ‘climbing partner in crime’.
But…… He is my motivator, my muse and my forceful “not let me down until I have reached the top” coach. It wouldn’t be right to climb without him as my belay.
The new date is looking like late March, early April. But no date is being set until the whole of ‘Team T’ is fit enough.
First a gherkin; Next a Cheesegrater !! is where I wrote about my challenge back in October, it was hoped that the climb would happen later this month, but health comes first and so, I am going to be cheeky and link you to the Crowdfunding page that has been set up for me, ‘HelpTeeHear’ where you can see why I am doing all of this.
My world is getting quieter in addition to darker and I’m not happy with it, not one little bit. I want to be able to keep me, my independence and my love of technology that helps me to do all this.
So, my shameless plug is above, please take a moment to have a look.
And in the meantime, follow me for more updates on the climb and my other adventures.
01
Jan 2017
Happy New Year xx
January First, a day for the 3 R’s; Resolutions, Reflections and *the most important of them all) Rum !!!
This isn’t going to be a slurred hiccup fuelled post…. It is a small, little tradition. Raising a glass to those who lived life to the fullest, but that never made it out of last year alive.
And this year I am having it as a long drink of Captain Morgans Spiced Rum and Crabbies Ginger Beer. It is during this time of reflection that I think of those happy times with those I miss, I also raise my glass in celebration of those who have taken the decision to leave my life.
Regardless of what lead to their leaving, the initial sadness their departures caused, I am glad they did. We learn from all that cross our path, those who are born family, yet don’t act like it, those that start as strangers and become family….. They all count.
Cheers…….. Here is to an action packed 2017 !!
18
Dec 2016
Another church and The Angel of the North….. Was it a sign?
Round 4 of the Paraclimbing series for 2016, the final in this years competitions, another great location and my chance to shine.
Newcastle Climbing Centre is set within the walls of an old church, one that was much larger and steeped in more history than that of the Climbing Centre in Manchester. A building that fed my love of design, my ‘eye’ for detail and my passion to climb. What more can a gal ask for?
The day started with a stressful tummy, a fear of failure and without my faithful Fizz, a feeling of falling flat on my face…… Which given my already bruised and broken face, would not be a good look.
Anyway, I’m stalling; Dispite the nerves, the worries and the irrational fears, I did feel more confident, I had trained with a different mindset, I felt more prepared for this comp, maybe it was the return to Calshot or the long break between Round 3 and 4, who knows? My confidence was noticed.
Fellow climbers who took the time to great me and speak to me made comments to this; I am not able to see my competitors, VI’s don’t really have ‘a look’ I could recognise some of the other competitions, one for the beautiful head scarves she always wore, one for the her blue/turquoise coloured hair, one for the sound his crutches made and another for her bright and bubbly hello as she spoke with everyone who walked past her!
I had found myself able to make more recognitions as the series had progressed, but not with any of those in my own category. I don’t think I ever spoke more than 3 words to my own competition. Not for lack of trying, but when you can’t see someone and they can’t see you, the introductions don’t happen naturally.
The climbs were set, this competition saw me undertaking climbs that my partner in crime didn’t, as with Edinburgh, different routes had been set for different disabilities, to enable each climber to work with their abilities, not to be disadvantaged by them.
I set myself a personal challenge, I challenged myself to ‘just go for the hold’ not fear falling, instead reaching for it and letting the rope do the work if I didn’t get it.
This worked well on all 3 of my climbs, I made the moves, sometimes it paid off, sometimes it didn’t. But as I only got one shot at each route, it enabled me to gain more points, it also gained me a rather large bruised thigh when I came off the wall and hit a volume !!
The boulders were interesting, with three tries for each I was over the moon when I got the first route first time! The 3rd wasn’t so clear cut, my balance or rather lack of it let me down, but I gave it my best and even though each of my 3 tries scored the same points I could walk away knowing I had given it my best. My 2nd boulder started off wrong footed, so my second attempt saw me improve, although not gaining anymore on my 3rd shot. My points added up, my points beat those of my climbs in Edinburgh, Manchester and London. I finished knowing I had given it my all.
I didn’t know how many female VI competitors were in the round, I just knew I had beat myself.
So, to hear my name called out for 2nd place in my catagory was a shock! Yes I was 2nd out of only 2, but it didn’t matter. I got to stand on the podium and I got to bring home a silver medal to add to my two bronze.
My partner in crime was also awarded a medal, he ranked 3rd in his category. Unlike me, he was 3rd out of 5; which given that the pair that came 1st and 2nd hadn’t dropped more than 7 points between them, the boy did good!
After the round 4 results and podiums it was time for the series winners to be announced.
The series winners were different; series winners had to rank in at least 2 of the 4 rounds, this I found difficult to understand, but basically it meant that not all of the categories gained a series ranking due to lack of competition.
In the Female VI category 3rd place was read out, the winner wasn’t actually at Newcastle to accept their award, then came 2nd, this was the girl who had come first in Newcastle.
“And First place for the 2016 Paraclimbing series female VI goes to ….. Theresa Osborne-Bell.”
I didn’t believe it, I just stood, I was pushed upto the podium and completely dumb struck to be handed a trophy! I was in total shock and amazed they had called my name. I found myself shaking, I struggled to hold myself together, I just about made it back to the crowd before being unable to compose myself any more and I found myself quietly crying, tears of pure joy!
I am still in amazement of what I have achieved in the last four months, the experiences I have gained from climbing in different locations and the friends I have made in that time.
UPDATE:
And now one week on the 2017 team has been announced, I am not in the list. This is ok though, I learnt a lot during the competitions and now have 9 months to train, to be a stronger competitor next year……. Now to fire off an email to Santa for a Beastmaster hangboard.
I will be watching the team, following some of them through this year and build myself up, both physically and mentally to be ready to hit the ground running come September 2017 !!
03
Nov 2016
Angry with myself
Tonight I made my climbing partner cross with me, I made myself angry and the result? It made me physically sick!
Back at Calshot climbing as it is just 5 weeks until the final climb of the season for the 2017 Paraclimbing selections. Last week was great, I really pushed it and got some brillianr results. But tonight, I felt completely isolated, alone and insecure.
Calahot is (in the whole) a safe haven for me, a place I can be and feel free, feel comfortable and most of all; not feel blind!
Silly right?
So what changed tonight?
Tonight I couldn’t hear, tonight I could tune into a climber on a completely different wall, yet I couldn’t hear myself…. as my hearing has changed, certain pitches have been a struggle, but this was a first. I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, yet I could nearly hear my own voice as a whisper.
I panicked, i tried to make myself heard to my partner, but even if he did hear me; his response was lost.
I found my palms starting to sweat, my legs were starting to shake and when you are half way up a wall…… Well, I shall save you the details, but suffice to say it is VERY scary!
I came off, my partner had me and I was safely lowered to the ground, but it didn’t feel like that, it didn’t feel like I was safe, the ground didn’t feel firm and with absolute anger and frustration mixed with my own stubbornness I managed to get myself away, I walked away from my partner, I walked away from the wall. I took of my harness and shoes and barely made it into the ladies loo before throwing up!
I am shaking now, I have crunched my way through a packet of poloS just to keep myself from being sick again and I am sat on the cafe at Calshot, so very close to bursting into tears that I find myself writing this as way of stopping that.
I told my partner it was the noise of the kids, I told him the holds were greasy. He told me I was making excuses.
He is my dearest friend, which is why I got so angry with myself; he is only trying to help me be a better climber, he has supported me throughout and I feel like I have just totally and utterly messed up and ruined his evening.
That may be another reason I am writing this, by way of an apology to him. I don’t know if he will read it.
But right now, right this minute I feel like I am stranded on the end of a long road, miles away from anything with no idea of how I will ever get home.
I can’t face the idea of putting my harness back on this evening and being brutally honest, I don’t even know IF my climbing partner is still here.
30
Oct 2016
First a gherkin; Next a Cheesegrater !!
September two years ago, I set about climbing The Gherkin (30 St Mary Axe) in the form of a relay climb at Calshot Activity Wall … My climbing partner did it too, he had a harder challenge I feel, as he took it on wearing a blindfold. Together we set out to climb the 180m (591ft) between us, but having done that within 3 hours, we upped it to challenge ourselves further and finished 5 hours later; just before the wall closed for the night having climbed the height EACH.
It has been an odd time since then, I have trained with my now working guide dog Fizz, moved house and discovered that my hearing is failing me along with my sight.
My climbing style has changed and these last few months I have found myself thrilled by the enjoyment of competing and moving my climbing forward to include bouldering and it just top-roping.
This leads me into my next challenge. In December I shall compete in the final heat for the Team GB Paraclimbing team, which is no mean feet, and most definitely not something I would have dreamt was possible just six months ago. It was through contact with The Molly Watt Trust, a charity that supports those with Ushers Syndrome that I made contact with John Churcher, a fellow climber who has both a visual impairment and a hearing impairment, who just happens to have been on the GB team for several years.
Molly Watt (an inspirational young woman) has done lots of work with and around raising awareness and support for people with ushers Sydrome and RP (the family that my eye condition belong to) She is a big believer in technology and has been using for some time Resound Lynx digital hearing aids. These hearing aids are fully compatible and work with an app on an iPhone to be adjusted, directions and tested. They also work as headphones to listen to music and with the addition of a small microphone enable her to be hands free to make and take calls.
I am not always so, but I try to look for the positives and I decided that if I was loosing my hearing, if I had to go through all this, then I wanted to do it in the most comfortable and least obtrusive way. But at just under £5,000 for a pair, that isn’t going to be easy.
My climbing partner and dearest friend Simon set up a crowdfunding page, I wasn’t keen and felt ‘odd’ asking for friends to help me pay for these.
SO…… I have decided to do something to EARN the money from my friends and family, in the form of sponsorship. And this is where the ‘Cheesegrater’ comes into it.
That is the nickname given to The Leadenhall Building, 122 Leadenhall Street, the 225m (738ft) building that towers over The Gherkin; as is shown here:
So, the challenge …… To climb this height, all 228m of it, that is a whole 45m MORE than The Gherkin or 147ft in old money!
The tallest straight wall at Calshot is 14m (45ft) meaning that it will take 17 climbs up the wall to complete the equivalent of the buildings height.
Sounds simple when I break it down like that. But I know I have lots of training ahead of me, and a date to set. But I hope that you would agree, it is worth a little bit on sponsorship money?
The fundraising page: HelpTeeHear is up and running, so feel free to pop over and have a look, it shows the hearing aids in much more detail. I would appreciate your support.
