Today is one filled with mixed emotions, concerns and thoughts. Today, 18th January 2015 is the last working day for my guide dog Vicky. We have been working together as a qualified team since 18th November 2009, and it has been an amazing 5
03
Sep 2016
So….. Today, this happened !!
It’s almost 11.00 o’clock, 12 hours after this crazy day started. The climbing arena was nothing like I had ever seen before and no matter how much I had researched and looked at photo after photo I was not prepared for the quarry that I
02
Sep 2016
Maybe I Should have said something before…..
Well, this is something new……. I am sat in the passenger seat of my friends car doing 70+ MPH on the M6 Motorway travelling on my way to Edinburgh; while typing this blog. My iPad is tethered to my phone for 4G and my voiceover
18
Dec 2016
Another church and The Angel of the North….. Was it a sign?
Round 4 of the Paraclimbing series for 2016, the final in this years competitions, another great location and my chance to shine. Newcastle Climbing Centre is set within the walls of an old church, one that was much larger and steeped in more history than
14
Apr 2025
Who needs a comfort zone anyway?
Its been a while. 2024 threw me some pretty horrid curve balls, I was exhausted; emotionally, mentally and physically. And I allowed myself to get lost among it all. 2025 has been about making peace with the demons, coping with the new way of doing
15
Jul 2018
When my disability felt disabling
This weekend I had a real wobble; anxiety, panic, fear and upset all rolled into one. This weekend didn’t start off very well.
There are times when people say how inspirational or how positive I am, well this weekend I wasn’t any of these things. In fact I felt like I was being penalised because of my sight and hearing issues. And I just wanted to leave where I was, give up on my plans for the weekend and walk away from it all.
Thankfully I was surrounded by some great friends; who didn’t allow the negativity to get to me, who stepped up and even stepped in to support me and change things around….. And for this I have gratitude. Because what started out pretty shitty ended up being pretty AMAZING.
This weekend I attended a MAHOOSIVE Herbalife training event called ‘Summer Spectacular’ This training consisted of two days of training, stories and information from not only some of the best in the UK part of Herbalife, but also some of the best from America, France and South Africa. Men and woman within the business that were not within my immediate reach.
So my ticket for the event was bought, childcare sorted, transport and sleeping arrangements sorted. I had the support of my amazing team so I knew that both me and Fizz would be ok.
The training was at a venue I hadn’t been to before, but that was ok because an hour or so on google and I had found enough images of the venue to feel that I had a good enough virtual awareness of it to get through. There was even a Starbucks on site, what more could I ask for?
The venue; The International Conference Centre (ICC) in Birmingham was also only a short ten minute walk from the apartment we were staying in AND there were plenty of grass areas between the two for me to know that Fizz’s needs were catered for also.
Saturday morning came and while my team mates were taking part in a very large ‘Fitclub’ I was able to grab a coffee, get my bearings and feel prepared for the next few days.
We came to entering the training room and a member of staff quickly found me (having the only dog in the building will get you noticed!!)
My team mates explained (because it was too loud for me to hold a conversation) that I would need to be seated near the front with space for both me and Fizz, but not in a direct walk-way as this could put Fizz and others in danger (black dog in a dark venue is a real trip hazard)
So, the staff guided me down the steps of the auditorium and sat me at the front, but with space the side where Fizz would be able to lay out. Brilliant, a seat was allocated for my team mate too and I thought all was ok. That was until the music started. It was not that it was LOUD. It was the fact that it was coming from a large speaker right beside where Fizz was to be able to rest…. let’s just say, she would have probably been more likely to burst an ear drum than relax.
No trouble I thought my friend and companion Jenny got the attention of the staff, asked for us to be moved and off we went.
The next seating we were offered would see Fizz sat directly beside the auditorium steps (a major trip hazard) but as the seating within the venue was fixed in place the staff were a little perplexed.
Another member of staff was called upon and it was decided that a couple of chairs could be brought in from outside and placed by the door……
“Um sorry I am not sitting right beside the door, where people will be coming and going throughout the day, that’s hardly relaxing for Fizz or suitable for me.”
So the chairs were moved and we were seated beside the camera mans tripod. But that was ok; at this time the meeting was starting and I just wanted to sit down.
So me and Jenny moved the chairs across slightly giving Fizz the space to lay down. But by this point not only was I feeling anxious and upset, I was also feeling that because our seating was so different to everyone else that I was on show, a bit of a ‘look at our token blind guest’ and this was what ALMOST saw me walk out.
I messaged my teammate and cousin Charlie with a very frank, honest, choice set of words and we simply replied
”Stay put I will sort this”
Charlie is a rock. Jenny got me a drink and Fizz nudged at me as if to say ‘it’s ok mum’
Charlie sent me a message a few moments later that simply said “it’s sorted” so I sat, listened to the speakers and awaited the break.
At the break we stepped outside and were greeted by the events coordinator who moved me away from the crowds (these events have upwards of 2000 people attend) and explained that there was a larger room just opposite that had the lights up, had tables, plenty of space and a large screen that was streaming the main event directly into the room.
Well considering at similar events I can only just watch the stage via the screens and never actually see the people as they stand on the stage, this sounded like a good solution.
So into the room we went, table found, cool air con and really good lighting and I felt both me and Fizz relax. Jenny came with me and she instantly agreed that this was a great alternative and would make it easier for her too to write notes and move about. (The room was a large conference hall, with about two dozen large circular tables.
Fizz was aware that I was more relaxed and as such, she was more relaxed. And thankfully the rest of the day was much calmer.
The events staff came back to find us to discuss the evening dinner and party. It would be held in the very room we were sitting in, but dressed to celebrate. There were set to be food stations, where festival themed food would be available. The event team asked me to just come also for and try to see if I could cope.
Again they made arrangements for me, Fizz and the a guest of my choice to enter the room before it was opened up to everyone. To enable me to come in while the lights were up to navigate the room.
Fastforward to the evening ……
I entered the room early with Fizz and Jenny, we found a table to sit at and I was able to familiarise myself with the room layout. The food stations would be far to tempting and distracting for Fizz, so Jenny agreed to support me by collecting food for me.
Entering the room early may not sound like much; but actually it made all the differenxe to enabling me to enjoy the evening.
I felt relaxed; I felt much more relaxed than I have at any other party event I have attended with Herbalife.
I even got up and danced for a bit and found myself mingling through (with a Jenny’s help) to catch up with other friends and colleagues.
Sundays Training was so much simpler.
We went straight into the ‘break out room’ and we actually found a good few more people sat here. News of the air conditioning had spread through to the auditorium and even some of our own team joined us.
I don’t feel that I missed out by sitting in the other room. I did however gain so much. I would highly recommend that such ‘accessible’ seating was available ….. And as such and email has gone off to the company to ensure more support is available.
After all, o can’t be the only person within Herbalife that has a disability or anxieties about large numbers of people?
19
Jun 2018
Faith
While with a group of friends today we were talking about faith. Discussing it and questioning what our understanding of it is.
One comment made about one way to look at faith was
If you’re sat on a chair, you hold faith that THAT chair is fit for purpose and will keep you sat safely and not break.
This made me think, as someone who has far too many questions about ‘religious faiths’ to have one of my own I thought of it a different way.
What (or who) do I have faith in and trust?
And when put like this I have just one answer
My Guide Dog Fizz.
I have total faith in her (and Vicky before her)
Each day i put on her harness and trust her to guide me to my destination; be that getting the kids to school or wherever we may be going to.
I give her the directions and instruct her on where we are going, but I have faith in her that she will get me there safely, not walking into traffic or causing me to trip or fall on steps, curbs or other surfaces.
And with the exception of the odd over-hanging branch I know she has me.
My faith in her is I guess some would say, similar to that faith of a religion. I have trust that she will protect me, keep me safe.
I know HOW she is trained and WHY she is trained, but no-one can say for certain WHY she takes that training and guides me each day.
That to me is faith.
I have the faith that she will do as I ask of her each and every time I put her harness on.
I trust her.
I can’t see what she does each time we go out together; I simply feel how she moves through her harness and I can react accordingly following her lead.
That to me is faith.
I trust her.
I may have totally missed the point of the discussion; I have never sat on a chair and though ‘this isn’t fit for purpose’.
Just as I have faith that a chair will be safe to sit on; after all this is what it is designed for. I have faith in my guide dog, because she has been trained to guide me.
To me that is faith.
16
Jun 2018
Reflections
This November it will be 10 years since I was registered SSI (Severly Sight aimpaired aka BLIND) it was the appointment with my consultant that EVERY seemed to change, yet at the very same time NOTHING changed.
What I mean by that is that my eye sight didn’t actually change at THAT appointment. I simply became aware of just how bad it was.
Having had my Nystagmus (involuntary eye movements) and having worn pretty strong glasses for as long as I can remember my sight had never been great. But in terms of the distance I could see (I have always been short sighted) had changed very little.
Rightly or wrongly so; when I was in my early teens I had been discharged from the consultant at the hospital, where I was given into the care of my opticians. With the strength of my prescription And it was through this team that in July 2008 they used their new camera equipment to try getting a photo of my retina.
My optician wasn’t happy with what she saw, but she couldn’t explain it to me as she explained it could simply be that with my eye movement the photograph wasn’t actually true. So she referred me to the hospital for a thorough check up.
Having been rushed in as an emergency after the hospital were concerned I had detached my retina (a common issue that if caught early enough can be reversed) I discovered that this was not the case, the registrar discovered I had cataract in both eyes, I will always remember what she said;
With laser treatment we can remove them and that would actually improve your vision.
But as she was simply confirming I hadn’t detracted my retina, she didn’t actually comment on the fact that my retina wasn’t ‘complete’.
So, you can probably understand my total shock when I returned a few weeks later to see the consultant to be given the news of just how bad my sight was.
I did have cataracts (my left eye had been diagnosed when I was 12) But the laser surgery suggested wouldn’t be easy and would have very little affect at this time. And actually with my retina dying away my sight would actually only get worse.
Many people ask me
How did you not realise you were going blind?
Its simple, the changes in my peripheral were suggested to be something that had been happening steadily for many many years, and as I only likely lost a small amount at a time I didn’t actually realise.
I did notice ‘little’ things after my daughter was born in 2006, like how I was bumping into things, like low level tables or benches. But I put this down to ‘baby brain’
I had also noticed that it was taking me longer for my eyes to adjust to light changes; like walking indoors after being out in the bright sunshine, but because I had reaction lenses this went in-noticed as an actual change in my sight (as I assumed it was just the glasses)
So…… Reflections.
I have decided I want to celebrate this anniversary. I want to acknowledge that as me I have changed from the person I was before. It hasn’t always been happiness and celebrations, but I have tried to embrace my blindness (and now deafness)
It may sound like a cliche
But in these last ten years I have had so many amazing opportunities, so many doors open to me. I want to move forward with me and celebrating the good seems the best way to do this. I am human, I can’t be postmitive ALL THE TIME. But in this instance I want to look for the good, rather than dwell on the bad.
But the question is (and this I hand over to you my readers) ….
How should I celebrate???
25
May 2018
Speechless (it doesn’t happen often!)
I umm’d and argh’d About writing this post; then I thought
“This is part of me, I should share it.”
last week I received an email that has taken me completely by surprise. I have been nominated for an award.
But not just ANY award, this is for The National Diversity Award 2018 in the category of Positive Role Model.
I do not know who nominated me, but it has left me feeling slightly emotional and speechless.
Under the terms of the nomination it is for me to now write a Bio and supply supporting evidence as to why I feel I am deserving of this award.
Yes, I have no trouble talking or writing about myself; but in this way? I’m not so sure.
But I am of the thinking that if I don’t at least try, then I will be disappointing myself and the person who nominated me.
So I am slowly working through the forms I need to complete. And am sharing this nomination with you all, in the hope that you too agree with it and wish to vote for me?
All by Friday 1st June 2018.
You can cast your vote here National Diversity Awards 2018
22
May 2018
Days like today…….
I have a ‘Have Guide Dog, will travel’ attitude to life, today I decided in the sun to visit Winchester (alone) something I don’t think I will be in a hurry to repeat.
The rudeness, the sly comments & general ‘opinions’ that were continually thrust upon me resulted in a very short visit.
I am more than happy to accept and I do understand that not everyone likes dogs, be that an assistance dog or a pet.
I do understand that in some cultures dogs are not warmly accepted. But today the comments or actions of rudeness did not come from the here.
Today it came from,
A business woman looking down on her phone;
The art student with a VERY LARGE portfolio;
The man in the queue in Starbucks;
The woman behind me in boots who tutted at me when I asked the sales assistant to repeat herself for the 3rd time because I couldn’t hear her;
The van driver who got shirty when I waved him on because I wouldn’t cross in-front of him.
Were it not for the kindness of strangers I would have found myself fighting tears & heading for the nearest taxi.
it was thanks to ….
The window cleaner who moved his ladder so I would walk past;
Theassistant in Starbucks who offered me water for Fizz while pointing out to the rude man that assistance dog or not I had every right to enjoy coffee;
To the sales assistant in boots who guided me to a quieter area so I could hear what she was saying!
I know that I may stand in the wrong queue at times, I know that my guide dog likes to walk by the building line, which means we often walk right in front of the shop doors, I do understand that I take up more width on the pavement as I walk beside my guide, and she can’t tell me to “step in” the way a sighted person would if the path was narrow.
But at what point does vocalising your opinions change this? All it does is demoralises someone who just wants to get on. And could even stop a (less stubborn) person from going out and visiting other areas.
Today has been one of those days where I have felt isolated and hurt by the actions of others. But writing this now I am able to say that I won’t let it stop me, I share this with you now to raise awareness.
Because it can often be the ‘off-handed’ comment that you quickly forget making that can cause irreparable damage to someone. We never know what demons people are fighting; so just be kind.
It really is THAT simple.
20
May 2018
Silly ‘Blind’ Moment
I wonder about many thing.
Especially if that something is architectural or design related. One such moment of wondering that I want to share with you is ….. Disabled Toilets.
From a design point of view I can still quote the minimum measurement requirements for a disabled toilet from The Metric Handbook: Planning & Design Data. I can tell you the reasoning for the outward opening door; the height of the hand basin and so on and so on.
I can also have a discussion at length about badly positioned pull down nappy changing tables….. But the one point I find the hardest to fathom is the mirror.
Placing a mirror above the wash hand basin in common place, yet often missing in a disabled loo.
Instead there is often a LARGE floor to ceiling mirror (which covers all height differences in disability) instead. Which makes perfect sense, after all despite the outdated signage there are many people with disabilities who do not use a wheelchair.
I for one am one of them!
A room I can go into, lock the door and know not only does my guide dog have space to sit patiently for me; But I know that I can find my way around the room (regardless of lighting) to do what I need to do, then wash and dry my hands afterwards.
But I go back to ‘That Mirror’ …. Why is it always positioned directly beside or infront of the toilet?
Surely nobody wants or needs to see themselves at that point?
Or in my case, no-one needs to hear me scream when a glimpse of my reflection (which didn’t seem to actually be me) mid-visit panicked me to thinking someone was in the room with me!
Like I said at the very beginning, this was a ‘Blind’ moment or maybe it was even a ‘Blonde’ moment…. But for someone with minimal peripheral vision it was most certainly an ‘embarrassing’ moment.
Especially when fellow patrons were knocking on the door to offer assistance and asking if I needed medical attention!
19
May 2018
When riding a bike is not like riding a bike
About a month ago I bought myself something rather quite special.
I bought a tandem.
I bought it from a fellow blindie who had had a change of health and although the bike had been serviced and well looked after; it had remained sat un-ridden.
It is only through the ‘on this day’ feature of Facebook that I can tell you that it has been just under two years since I have ridden a bike.
It was when we were away on holiday with the children, it was when we were riding on site of a Haven Holiday Park. After this I am sure that there was one further bike ride back at home before my bike was left to gather cobwebs and become home to spiders in the garage.
I did not stop riding because of an injury.
I stopped because with my hearing going in addition to my sight I did not feel I was safe either for myself or for other road users.
Many would be surprised that it is only in the last two years that I haven’t ridden my bike. Thinking about it now, it was pure stubbornness that had stopped me from hanging up my riding helmet before then; in the same way I can only imagine that a car driver who is in denial about their sight feels about surrendering their driving license.
A tandem was a way of gaining back some of me.
Yes, by the very definition of it I would only be able to ride with someone else. But riding a tandem with someone else feels less of a lack of independence than riding a bicycle with another adult beside me. I think that this is because a tandem is for ANYONE. A normally sighted person can ride a tandem, it isn’t a ‘mobility aid’ in the conventional sense of the word. Even though when I think about it, in my case it kind of is just that; a mobility aid.
Anyway……
I had the bike serviced and checked over. I spoke with a few friends about coming out for a ride with me and then, earlier this week. One of them took me up on my offer.
Having spent time looking over the bike and following the workings of it I was instantly struck by the fact that as the rear peddler (the stoker in technical, bicycle jargon) I had no gears or brakes. I was to simply just peddle. (Which when you think about it sensibly it makes perfect sense, but to me as a former solo cyclist-I had always had gears and brakes)
So, if all I was to do was to peddle. When and how would I know to peddle?
How would it feel sitting behind someone else (The Pilot-more jargon) who was in control of where we went?
How fast we got there?
And in what intensity of gears we were to achieve it?
I guessed I would just have to ‘go with them’ … LITERALLY.
My faithful Climbing Partner in Crime (CPiC) Simon was my first volunteer; we have ridden together before (on individual bikes) and he more than most understands my sight loss, and more to the point my anxieties of something new.
First he took the bike for a ride to the end of the car park without me. This gave him a feel for the length of the bike and the kind of turning circle it would have. Then it was my turn to get on with him.
My first ‘odd’ feeling was that I had both my feet off the floor, on the peddles and yet the bike was still upright and stationary. This being because Simon is taller and still had his feet on the ground!
We set off; it was wobbly, but it soon became smoother as we got into a rhythmic pattern. And surprisingly; not being able to see infront of me wasn’t concerning (because all I could see was the red of his jumper) felt O.K.
It felt ‘odd’ in the sense that I didn’t feel I was peddling enough, not as much as I thought I remembered from when I had ridden my bike before. However, what I was forgetting was one simple rule;
”Double the bodies means half the power”
Easier said than done. When the pilot slowed down I felt that as the stoker it was for me to peddle more. This wasn’t the case. In fact at one point I was told very bluntly to “JUST STOP”
I began to relax into the journey, I began to feel when it was time to coast and when it was time to peddle.
I also felt the exact point where my shoulder relaxed and my anxieties of ‘letting the other rider down’ were disappearing.
I only got off the bike and walked at a point where we crossed a road on the footpath (rather than add the complication of the road junction into the mix)
And before I knew it we were heading back towards home.
I could lie and say my arse wasn’t hurting from being sat on a not so padded saddle. I could lie and say I didn’t get cramp in my thigh….. But then were would the fun be in that?
It was interesting to discover that I can suffer with ‘Elvis Leg’ when riding a bike, just as I do at points when I am climbing….. This usually comes at a point where I am concentrating so hard that (as silly as this will sound) I forget to breathe!
We managed to clock up just over 9km on our first ride. After all I live in The Highlands area, which as the name suggests is an area with many a hill; which for the most part I want to be avoiding until my bike fitness has improved somewhat.
The route was recorded on my Apple Watch and all the specifics as to times, heart rate and distances are stored within my fitness app. So next time we can follow the same route and see the improvements in it.
I wasn’t really able to talk to Simon much while we were cycling (but then there really was no need to) so when we arrived back I asked him how he felt, his answer wasn’t what I think I expected to hear;
”It felt creepy having someone riding RIGHT behind me, so close; I felt I wanted to ride to get away from them.”
…. But as he never managed it, he said it was just something he would have to get used to. And he has agreed to go out and ride with me again.
So watch this space for more tandem cycling antics.
16
May 2018
The simplest of tech can make the Biggest impact
if you have followed me for some time you will know how much I like my coffee. It’s no secret, I enjoy sitting with a nice cup and ‘people watch’ (yes even as a VI I do this!)
But of late I have really struggled.
Not so much with the people watching part; but rather the collecting my coffee part.
Just a short bus ride away from me is the lovely Whiteley Shopping Village. It is home to a great variety of shops, restaurants, cinema and yup you guessed it coffee shops!
It has the three MAJOR brand names of Costa, Nero & Starbucks, in addition to The M&S cafe.
Whitely was purpose built. Many of the storesmake use of the high ceilings and glass outer wall to add a mezzanine floor, while the cafes and restaurants leave them to create the feeling of space and ambiance.
But here in lies an issue.
Starbucks in particular……
with its solid floors, wooden traveled, coffee ba and very minimal in way of ‘soft furnitings’ the inside has an echo.
The seating is positions around the centrally placed counter that leads you around to the right where you can collect your coffee at the end of the bar, where the bar continues again to the right (and right again) to enable friends to sit on the stools while enjoying a coffe with easy access to PowerPoints that are built into the bar.
There are standard level blue benches that cover one entire wall of the store with small tables, then at the back there are simple couch like seating around low tables.
With a further bar seating in front of one of the windows and more 2 seated wooden tablespoon dotted about.
So for me, I can easily find somewhere to sit that works with the lighting, be that natural, bright sunshine that we are enjoying at the moment or artificially lit by the store itself.
So, hopefully I have set the scene for you. The fact that the coffee machine is not directly beside the till make for easy ordering and it also enables the staff to have a ‘queue’ system for drink collection.
But it is this ‘drink collection’ that has become a real struggle for me.
With the height of the ceiling, the multiple coffee machines and the general ‘noise’ of the store; even with my hearing aids I can’t hear any particular voice clearly.
These are all factors I can’t change. And I am not one to be beaten into having to avoid a store (particularly one that sells coffee) because of it.
With my visual impairment I can’t make eye contact with others, although I can thankfully usually recognise a member of staff at datrbusks by the iconic green apron they all wear.
So now, when I arrive at ‘the bar’ I politely gain the attention of a member of staff and then I show them my phone…..
And this is what they see. (Or similar depending on my order)
Where I have found that a kind member of staff then directly passes me my drink when my order is is completed. Saving them shouting out to deaf ears and saving me from tepid coffee because it has been sat too long.
Such a simple little app is ‘Notes’ which I use every day for one thing or another like many people. But one that has enabled me to keep just a little bit more of my independence (even if it is something so trivial as ordering a coffee)
I now feel more comfortable when dealing with such noisy situations.
And I don’t have to miss out … So it’s win-win situation.
