Thank you for your kindness. I do not want this post to sound ungrateful. Really I don’t:
When you see me and my working girl (guide dog) Fizz waiting patiently at the curb edge to cross the road, I do not think you rude for driving on.
Stopping and (I can only assume) flash your lights, waving at me or even tooting your horn, (this I can hear) will not make me walk out into the road.
By stopping early for the junction you are being kind. But you are also putting me in danger. If I were to cross in front of you, your engine noise could mask that of a car coming the other way, or a car behind you could decide to overtake.
Unless I am on a designated crossing, Fizz is trained to not go before you. So I will stand and I will wave you on. I will put my hand up to wave a thank you, or give you a thumbs up; but please just keep going.
(Even more so when it is dark, both me and Fizz will be in high viz, but we are both dazzled by your headlights)
When I wave the first car on, why would I then walk before the 2nd? I am not doing it to be ‘carist’ I will wave each and everyone of you on.
I am not being rude, I am ensuring my own safely. Please understand, by stopping early you are often creating traffic build up, reducing the ‘natural gaps’ that would enable me and Fizz to cross safely.
I am not alone with this, all guide dog owners are taught this, as are all (or where when I was trained) long cane users.
If I am with a friend or a kind stranger has offered to help me cross. AND if crossing in front of you would be the only option, I will drop Fizz’s harness handle (walking her just by her lead) and taking the arm of the person with me. This removes the responsibility to guide me from my guide dog and is the only time I will ‘break the rules’
This is because we have assistance from a sighted guide.
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter xx
Ratho is ingrained on my memory; it is where it all began; it is a place that until this weekend I had only ever been once before. But my memories of it didn’t disappoint me.
Although, sadly my sight and hearing did.
What is so special about Ratho I hear you ask?
Well…….
Ratho is the home to EICA or Edinburgh International Climbing Arena. It is where my journey REALLY began with my climbing. The date was 3rd September, 2016. Yes I did say 2016!
However, it would take until 9th September 2017 to really realise it. You see, this is the date that I made my second visit. The visit that was filled with mixed emotions, anxieties and fears. But for very different reasons.
And it is because of this that this visit where I felt much more so than ever before that I was alone.
Obviously I wasn’t literally alone; I was surrounded by 43 other paraclimbers, who included my best friend and CPC (Climbing Partner in Crime) in addition to about 400 other climbers, spectators, Scottish Mountainering and BMC staff.
But still I felt alone.
Wizz back to that date in 2016 and I found myself at my very first Climbing Competition; totally ill-prepared and in a much poorer condition to that of the climbers all around me.
But I had a rucksack full of nerves and a naive mindset that I wasn’t troubled by it. Again my CPC was there, he having not signed up to compete, he who subsequently volunteered to be a belay and judge for one of the climbs. Leaving me to face this adventure alone.
Although it wasn’t until Saturday I realised just how much I had taken that to heart and how much I needed to summon up the same courage I had had the previous year.
This year I KNEW Ratho would be different. Not physically (although yes the climbs would be set differently) but for me, One year later I now wear hearing aids, my sight has detereated even further and my physical and mental strength had changed.
The changes in my physical strength and my climbing capabilities are most definitely a positive and I couldn’t wait to push myself on the climbs. However with my sight and hearing changes, my mental state was in a questionable way.
It was such a way that I couldn’t face explaining or mentioning it to my CPC, Ratho this year held its own challenges for him, he didn’t need to deal with my Sh*t too!
You see, last year he started the competition at Round 2. So, although he had been to EICA before, he had never climbed or competed. This year is also the start of the competing calender for his son. Who has NEVER competed before and although he loves to climb has a great fear of heights.
My CPC needed to be their for himself and his son. Not me.
After all, I am a grown woman, I didn’t ‘physically’ need him there to partner me, as the belayers where also judges for the competition.
But for the first time in a very long time I found myself surrounded by familiar faces, yet standing alone.
This was my demon on Saturday, not the fault of anyone else, most certainly not my CPC’s, my other friends or even fellow competitors. It wasn’t even my ‘fault’ it was just a demon that was with me.
And one I was desperate to ditch before the competition began.
One ‘thing’ I have noticed is that I often only see (yes I know how ironic that sounds) the changes in my sight when I return to something or somewhere that I have been before, but not for some time.
On a day-to-day I don’t ‘notice’ the changes. It is when I go somewhere or go to do something I haven’t done in some time that I notice it. The main reason for this is and ‘perks’ to my sight is because the deteriation occurs ever so slightly, and the sight that I have left is so minimal that no change is ever obvious.
It is for this reason I have yet to return to my university town of Nottingham (that’s a whole other story though, for another time).
I dread being able to detect the changes. And if I am honest, I really didn’t think that in ONE YEAR Ratho could be so different. I had forgotten that although I was under the care of the audiology team, I was unaware of the exact change to my hearing. I most certainly was not aware that I would be needing hearing aids. So, it is no wonder that by changing the ‘sound’ of the venue, I inturn realised how this visually changed the whole venue too; before even adding in the confirmed deteriation I had been told of at last weeks eye clinic appointment!!!
I took myself away, I left my CPC and fellow competitors. I (guided by Fizz) escaped to the tranquility and safety of the gardens of Ratho. Being built within a quarry you end up entering the building at the top and walk down into it, meaning that the garden is almost level with the main climbing floor. There was the odd person about, but more importantly there was silence. There was birdsong, which I didn’t remember from last year. And there were great big slabs of rock to sit on.
And sit on the rock I did.
I sat and I cried.
I sat and I felt myself falling apart.
I sat and I reminded myself to breathe; to control my demon and just allow the emotion to wash over me, yet not allow it to control me.
I sat for far too long, I missed the start of the comp, I missed the group photo, but I was also able to leave the emotions that had gradually been bubbling under the surface behind in the garden. I was able to let them wash over me, but not control me.
I sat and I focused.
Sod not being able to see the faces of my friends.
Sod not being able to see the walls as clearly.
After all, I am a visually impaired climber, no one in the competition would be worrying about me; they were all too worried about themselves and their own performances. (It’s human nature and self-preservation)
So I took a deep breath and returned, plastered on a smile and ‘acted’ the confident climber; I ‘acted’ the inspirational climber with the shear stubborn nature that others had previously commented on.
When your climbing partner in crime suggest meeting him from work for an evening of climbing, what is a gal to do?
Other than to find out where the closest coffee shop is, and how you can get to it. As it would be an evening of climbing, the ‘have dog will travel’ attitude was altered to ‘have cane will travel’.
Train journey, easy, no problem.
Bus journey, not so easy, but still no problem.
Hedge End (where the CPiC works) has a tiny train station, yet within a short distance there are mammoth superstores of every possible concept. While other coffee places are available, I set my sights on hitting Starbucks, mainly because it has a simple pull up and park location right next to the motorway junction in the direction of Calshot.
Which in fact meant that it had a ‘quirky’ navigation on Google Maps.
The bus stop is placed directly outside the station, the bus was scheduled to tie in with the train arriving. Pure brilliance!
The bus however did not have an audio-visual display. It did have an incredibly friendly and happy to help driver, who ensured me he would notify me of my stop.
So off we went……. And sure enough, the driver true to his word, told me when we had arrived at my stop, he even explained the direction I needed to walk to arrive at Marks and Spencer’s (the major store that afforded its own bus stop!). He also waited until he had ensured I was walking in the right direction before continuing with his journey.
Only; I didn’t want to go the Marks and Spencer’s. I wanted Starbucks. Which as the crow flies is directly opposite Marks and Spencer’s (near enough) Simple enough? the only issue was the great big MASSIVE road known as Charles Watts Way – A334.
And this is where I put my faith in my iPhone and Googled my way!
The directions weren’t straight forward, which made me believe that Google was aware of the size of the road and was walking me a safer way, after all how could it possible take 7 minutes to walk such a short distance (when equating walking time, it doesn’t allow for traffic, as it would if you were driving)
So, ironically. I blindly followed its route……
….. A route that saw me walk through Marks and Spencer’s and out the other side, around the outside of Sainsburys and behind it where a worker was having a sneaky cigarette.
Still my map told me to continue, so onward I went. (I must admit, had it not been a bright afternoon, I may have had other thoughts)
Across a short path and …….. BINGO……
I had found it. The reason why Google maps was telling me it was 7 minutes.
Because in front of me was a rusty cream rail, a thin metal grate on the floor and the key to crossing Charles Watts Way.
It was the ramp, that twisted around in a loose corkscrew before evolving into a long straight path with a slight gradient for several steps, before flattening out and then rising again. It was a bridge.
In the warm sun, the shadows create by the overhanging trees made it hard to make out just how simple and easy it was to navigate.
It was a time to put my trust into my cane, because with the light; the shadows cast and the uncertainty of where I was, I felt apprehensive. I needn’t have; it really was as smooth and easy as I explained it to be.
And before I knew it, I was walking across the top of the bridge, right above all the traffic queuing beneath me. And then I was back into the shadows and the long straight declining path. Turning just once, 180 degrees to walk a similar distance again before coming to a small offset railings, a quick weave and I was on the path beside that very same traffic that I had just walked over. (I didn’t hear it moving!)
A short distance ahead and I could feel the path changing, this time it was much smoother, yet paved, not tarmac as it had previously been. I couldn’t home in on much, because although the trees were cut back, their shadows were replaced by bright glaring sun.
Faithful cane soon told me I was reaching a curb edge, the tactile paving soon enabled me to place myself in the right direction, a small road across the car park and low and behold…….
So, in recent months I have conquered a Cheese-grater, climber my arse off and began to face many of my demons. But none of these, or even all the climbing competitions I took part in last year compared to this mornings events.
Having told you all about my change of volunteer role in Scouting I did what anyone would do; in preparation for an upcoming weekend.
I bought a tent!
I had previously gone to a large outdoors shop with a friend and had a good look at all they had on show, I fell in love with a canvas Tippee. However at just under £800 it wasn’t going to be for me at the moment. I was able to walk among various sizes and layouts. But as with everything, budget was my biggest factor.
I had a check list:
To have a separate bedroom area.
To be able to stand up in (although a little crouched was ok)
Have windows.
Have a black out bedroom area.
And with all this, and the wise words of a good friend who had bought many a tent. I bought one I felt fit the bill.
I bought a Vango Beta 450 XL in blue.
It arrived yesterday, sat in its box and making me itch with excitement. The rational in me thought I should wait until I had a friend over to help me, however the ‘kid in a candy store’ won out.
And I set about putting it up!
After all, it had an assembly guide of 15 minutes. How difficult could it REALLY be?
Well………..
For a start, it took AN HOUR.
Oh and it was a tad bigger than my garden.
Also, with my garden being totally laid in patio, I wasn’t able to fully ‘pitch’ it. Although with a helping hand of my garden furniture and a few plant pots, I got pretty close!
I had watchful eyes in both Vicky and Fizz who seemed quite amused at times by my antics. They both had a thorough explore of it; both in its flat form and in its ‘pitched’ form.
I photographed my progress just for you.
In the beginning there was just a ground sheet and a flat tent.
And the instruction…..
3 poles, colour coded for ease with 1 pole longer than the other 2.
3 poles …. Check
colohr coded ….. check; if you count 2 being totally black and 1 having a grey section amongst the black colour?
1 longer than the other 2 …. Ummmm. Nope! 1 shorter (grey section) than the other 2 (totally black)
Maybe I should have stopped at that point. But given it was all out of the bag, no harm in carrying on.
So following the colour coding; or rather tiny little black or gray tabs of material on the end of the pole sleeve that I hoped was what the instructions were referring too, I carried on.
It wasn’t a easy as it should have been, not having the space to walk around the outside of the tent, it involves climbing over my garden wall (pictured about, it’s about 3f)
I also had to negotiate the poles with the shed and fence as fully extended they where pretty long (even the short one!)
And then came my garden furniture. With the help of a garden chair, a bench and some plant pots I was able to semi-secure the tent in place.
It was perfect!
The guide ropes and zip toggles are all light blue, there are tension bands on the inside and it has a ‘lip’ to save the weather getting in, should it be wet.
And the added bonus is that I only have to duck my head ever so slightly to move around.
It was hot, it was tricky; but oh wow it was fun! And I did it all by myself. I was bursting with pride, I sent the photos to a friend with the simple of caption
Look what I just did, not bad considering, am knackered now.
Woth the guide time of 15 minutes, with the advisory that first pitch may take slightly longer, I was happy when I discovered it took me and hour. Some people may not feel that is something to be proud of, but for someone who has never pitched a tenth before, who has considerably limited vision and who has no help either with reading the instructions or pointing out where the pole sleeves were…… I am totally amazed and proud with my achievement.
…… Now to take it down!
In comparison that took 30 minutes, it was a simple reverse of the pitch. I folded and rolled my tent, then the ground sheet and even managed to get it all back in the bag! It wasn’t quite as pretty as when I took it out, but with a quick sitting on to help remove the air. It was done and ready to put away for camping later next month.
Now to see how long it takes to pitch in a field !!
Watching a film earlier today with an additional audio descript soundtrack; my son asked me
What does blue look like if you can’t see?
A question that made me think, I asked him what he thinks of when he thinks of the colour blue, to me it is the sky, the sea and swimming pools.
But mum, what if you had never seen before? What would blue look like?
And so I decided to write this post, I couldn’t answer my sons questions; but I have told him I will, I just need to do a little research first !!
For as long as the written word has existed there have been ways of evoking images from it.
Abjectives, Verbs, Nouns, connotation, yet these all rely on you knowing what such objects look like. In my research of this subject I have found something, something that was buried at the back of my brain with all of my other Secondary Educational learnings; Pathetic fallacy – where the weather in the story or written word mirrors the emotion of the scene or the people in it. For example, when it is very hot the characters are agitated or when it is foggy, mystery is evoked. This is used to adds atmosphere to the writing and gives clues to the reader as to what is to come, especially if the weather is described before the event. Just as many horror movies occur on dark stormy nights.
Do you need to know what weather looks like to understand it?
No, as someone who enjoys every type of weather and the changing seasons this is one element of life that I can use my other senses to understand. Weather can be truly ‘FELT’ the hot sun on my skin, the drizzly rain, the north-easterly breeze. Fog comes with the additional sounds of fog horns (living on this coast these can be heard miles in land) Mist gives a dampness to the air that isn’t present when it rains, morning dew has a smell to it, a storm too can have its very own smell and it’s not just thunder that makes a noise.
Weather can’t explain colour or shape though, although it works very well for emotion.
So, I am back at the beginning.
How would you describe the colour blue? Without using the word, what does blue look like?
I have had sight and I have been fortunate to be able to see and remember colours, images, items.
Even though now my perception of colour is greatly altered, I can only really see the difference between orange and red when they are together and everything I see has a kind of haze or veil over it, so isn’t as vivid or true as it once were.
My hunt for answering my sons questions will continue, but for now; humour me?
Please reply to this blog post with your description of the colour blue.
No judgement will be passed, no humiliation with be sort. Just an intriguing mind looking for help.
As a girl with a visual impairment, having tech on bus journeys or train journeys are key to my ability to be independent. If such an option isn’t available then I will set myself up to use another method of knowing my location and when or where I am to get off.
so imagine my surprise and upset when half way through a bus journey yesterday evening, I find that the audio has stopped?
I was travelling to an poorly lit area, I had Fizz with me and as I got on the bus I checked with the driver that audio was on. And as we set off, the audio read out the next stop, confirming what the driver had told me. All good, I could feel safe and secure that I could just sit enjoying the ride and await my stop to be read out.
There seemed to be a long pause in the audio. I checked with another passenger sat near me and he confirmed that the screen (as the audio on buses is teamed with a visual; just like on the train) was reading the next stop, but he hadn’t been paying attention and didn’t know where we were as he was getting off at the last stop, so didn’t need to know.
it was then moments later that the audio returned, only to read out a destination that was much further along the route, a good 45 minute walk back to where I needed to be if I had got off then!
so instead I travelled back to the bus station and started the journey again.
This time, when I got on the bus I asked the driver for my specific stop and asked him to ensure that he stopped there for me, he said the bus had audio, but understood my concern following my previous journey.
The audio on this bus was on, it also continued to detail each and every stop, so I was aware of where I was and when I was due to get off.
I put it down to a glitch and having safely arrived at my destination all be it an hour later, I forgot all about it.
That was until this evening. This time I was travelling with my son home after a shopping trip. Again, it was dark but I was more aware of my surroundings as it is a journey I have done thousands of times.
Again, the bus left the station and the audio announced the next stop. This continued until just before we were due to get off the bus, we were literally around the corner and the audio stopped. I could work out roughly were we were, and having stopped at several stops to let people in and off of the bus, there were no further announcements.
Thankfully a block of flats lit the way to enable me to work out that we were approaching our stop. But again, the audio had let me down.
Memtioning it to the driver as we got off the bus he simple said “I don’t pay any attention, I couldn’t tell you it had stopped.”
So, what is a gal to do?
I shall be sending this blog to the bus company, is it just really bad luck that I have encountered this issue? Is it a relay issue with the bus audio?
I know that my hearing is going, but to hear the audio and then to not hear the audio….., that isn’t me?
I feel that I am not able to trust the audio on my bus journeys anymore, and with the dark early evenings. This is making me feel that going out after dark isn’t an option. Or do I just walk?
Lots of questions. But I am totally stuck with whatever I do.
All the climbing of 2016 has taught me so much more about myself as a climber, I am going to need to work on my technique dramatically if I am to turn my 1st place into a Team GB place.
This doesn’t mean that I am giving up on my fundraising, now more than ever I want to show my worth and EARN my Resound Hearing Aids, but with my climbing partner currently our of action, as the post title suggests ‘The Cheesegrater is going to have to wait’
Just days before Christmas, my climbing partner in crime underwent an operation for a hernia, one that has left him unable to train for a minimum of six weeks. So with him not even being able to go to the gym until mid-February, let alone climb. I have made the decision to postpone my climb.
Yes, I can climb with another partner.
No, I am not sharing my climb with ‘climbing partner in crime’.
But…… He is my motivator, my muse and my forceful “not let me down until I have reached the top” coach. It wouldn’t be right to climb without him as my belay.
The new date is looking like late March, early April. But no date is being set until the whole of ‘Team T’ is fit enough.
First a gherkin; Next a Cheesegrater !! is where I wrote about my challenge back in October, it was hoped that the climb would happen later this month, but health comes first and so, I am going to be cheeky and link you to the Crowdfunding page that has been set up for me, ‘HelpTeeHear’ where you can see why I am doing all of this.
My world is getting quieter in addition to darker and I’m not happy with it, not one little bit. I want to be able to keep me, my independence and my love of technology that helps me to do all this.
So, my shameless plug is above, please take a moment to have a look.
And in the meantime, follow me for more updates on the climb and my other adventures.
Have just had a friend call me and apologise, it was lovely to speak with her, however I was a little confused.
She was all flustered and sounded upset, I initially thought she was phoning about her mum who was very sick and that it was bad news.
So it took a few moments…. Then again she apologised, so this time I asked her why. Her answer;
Because I drove past you in my car going the opposite way and I waved to you.
I couldn’t help but chuckle at this and said I hadn’t noticed her, so surely I should be the one apologising. No, no; she continued. She had spent the rest of her drive chastising herself for it, she wanted to call me the moment she got home to apologise for being so stupid.
By this point she was getting upset again and I struggled to calm her down. I explained it wasn’t stupid and the gesture was lovely. I explained that I wouldn’t have seen her, so apologised for not responding.
We both laughed about it and then she said the words, the words I have heard many many times before;
I just didn’t think, because you don’t look blind.
To this I laughed and again, she apologised. Not that there was any need to, app of my friends know that I do not want to be treated differently, that if I need their help I will ask, so why wouldn’t she have waved to me while in her car? She would do exactly the same to her other friends.
We talked about how I wasn’t offended by her comment, that I knew she hadn’t meant it as a bad thing.
We had a good giggle about how she would walk past me in the street and wave without me even noticing her.
it is not that I am ignoring or snubbing her, but if she is t speaking I wouldn’t be able to tell who it is. And having spoken with total strangers before be chase they have waved at someone behind me!! It is a situation I can relate to.
I have tried to think of a witty title, something to grab your attention …. Words really are failing me on this post though, so just going with the simple choice.
I have been struggling for a while, I have been fortunate to be able to talk to close friends, able to ‘gauge’ the reaction. There are a few more I wanted to tell, but time and my own worry has stopped me.
Keeping it simple …… Not babbling on. So, do excuse me if this sounds unemotional. I don’t know how else to say it.
I am loosing my hearing.
So, it is said, those 5 little words and it is out there…… I have known now for a little while, it isn’t easy and I am not writing this for sympathy.
I’m writing this because it is getting harder and harder to hide it. Saying “Pardon” sometimes three or four times, not being able to hold a conversation easily as a passenger in friends’ cars.
Its confusing, I can still pick up a conversation across the room, yet not hear the person beside me. And the prognosis …. It will only get worse.
I am still awaiting my hearing aid appointment from the nhs, it could take upto another THREE months for them to book me in, I have however spoken with my consultants and they are putting appointments in place for me to confirm exactly the kind of deafness I have.
All early indications push towards it being a form of Ushers Sydrome, a condition that is part of the RP spectrum; Retinitis Pigmentosa Is the family that my eye conditions stems from. And hearing loss or ‘Deafblind’ is another strand.
Those with ushers are either born with hearing loss or sight loss and the other sensory loss occurs later.
As someone who was only categorised as ‘severely sight impaired’ 8 years ago, having been born with the condition …. I am feeling quite numb about it all at the moment.
Those close to me have noticed something is up, but I haven’t been able to tell them all in person, either because of Busy diaries or because I haven’t been able to find the words.
(which anyone who knows me, knows I am not often stuck for words!)
Just like my sight loss, I am not going to let my hearing loss take away my sense of humour or change the friend I am, it’s just not an easy time right now and it’s all a bit of a struggle.
Thank you for taking the time to read, I appreciates it.
We use cookies to optimise our website and our service.
Functional
Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes.The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.
